Thoughts on Finally not Having to Endure Xmas Music at Work

As noted before, this is my first year out of retail in over four years. And aside from having to deal with constantly being berated for not having the popular book/cd/dvd that everyone else is fucking looking for, cleaning up after women who have shit on the bathroom floor (ya'll girls is nassay!) and, well, being in retail, the greatest joy I'm currently experiencing is being in a work environment that is absent Christmas music. Even when I was at Nundini, we'd have to listen to Sunny 99.1 and the same shitty assortment of 20 songs blase enough to pacify the general masses and believe me, there were times when I thought of Van Goghing myself with the meat slicer.

Many of the recurring criticisms I have regarding most pop music (bland, boring, safe, dumbed down, void of emotion, etc.) are exacerbated when the bands pump out tired covers of the same holiday standards. Most of the time, you can hear just how disinterested the band itself is in performing these generic tunes just to score some extra cash on the novelty of it all. OMG! Rascal Flats has THEIR own stamp on "Grandma Got Runover by a Reindeer!" TAKE ME TO THE NEAREST WAL-MART AT ONCE SO I MAY MARVEL OVER IT'S BRILLIANCE!

To be fair, not all Xmas music is total shit. The Pogues "Fairytale of New York" is one of their best songs. The Boys had tons of fun (under the moniker the Yobs) shitting on some, turning other holiday classics into pornographic, misogynistic piss-takes (that are pure aural joys. There's the Sonic's "I Don't Believe in Christmas" and A Christmas Gift for You from Phillie Records album to dig. Even this Punk Rock Advent Calendar is a bit of cheeky fun.

Bob Dylan came out with his take on the genre under the very apt argument that these songs were traditional standards that endure because of modern artists interpreting them in their own way. This doesn't mean they are always successful or even tolerable more than...10% of the time. There are very fucking few exceptions to the axiom that most Christmas music is shit so please allow me to share with you the worst I've ever had to endure.

She and Him - A Very She and Him Christmas

Once I heard about this album I was immediately glad that Borders went out of business because otherwise I was sure to have to listen to this garbage on loop for 8 hours a day. I'm sorry, I just don't get the appeal of Zooey Deschanel and M. Ward's dull as fuck music. Sure, she's got a nice voice but that doesn't mean the music is worth listening to. I avoided this thing like AIDS and had been safe until yesterday when Mrs. Debauchery dragged my ass to a Kirkland's and it almost put me to sleep standing. If anyone can explain to me why people give a shit what this lame hipster who is responsible for the word "adorkable" attempts to contribute to music, I will gladly pay your bar tab. You want GOOD modern versions of AM radio pop music? You had the Pipettes and now can bask in the glory of the Pepper Pots. Even the reverse gender roles on the ultimate holiday date rape anthem couldn't hold my interest.

Josh Groban - Noel

Like clockwork, every October we'd get another copy of this CD to stuff into the player and would be mandated by the corporate geniuses who engineered Borders swirl down the toilet to put this shit on blast for four fucking months. All the good will he got from the "I'm Fucking Ben Affleck" video and trying to hip his dinosaur audience to Nick Cave (he performed a pretty asstastic version of "Straight to You" on his last album. Yes, I hate myself for being aware of that) was gone once this turd landed in my ears. Look, I get that old white ladies need vocal stimuli to get their granny panties moist for their hordes of cats to chow down on but the American king of pop-era and his PBS shilled Christmas disc makes me pine for Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct to go to town on my balls like a goddamned block of ice. Plus, he looks like a mongoloid version of Bill Fool.

Straight No Chaser - Christmas Cheer

Ooof. This is almost the worst on the list (hint: our winner involves Jesus and fancy footwear!) and is another offering pimped out by PBS. Coupled with Josh Groban (yes, that 1-2 tandem of fucking suck happened in 2010!) this makes me want to vote Republican so they defund the pricks. A fellow mall employee came by to borrow some Xmas music and I gladly yanked this shit out of the stereo and quickly shoved her out the door. She came back 20 minutes later and politely thanked me for the offering when I could tell she wanted to break the disc over my head and open my veins with the shattered remnants of the CD. What you get here is some acapella bullshit that can only be erased from your memory with copious amounts of whiskey and Slayer. Look, I hate all the bullshit machismo built around beer commercials ("GRRRRR! IF YOU DRINK LIGHT BEER YER A FAG! RAWWR! MY PROTRUDING GUT IS A TESTAMENT TO THE LENGTH OF MY COCK!") but it's clear the only sexual activity these cats enjoy is the pre-show circle jerk while harmonizing. That's not me calling them gay. They're clearly acappella-sexual. If there were women in this group one of the guys would be flicking her jelly bean in the aforementioned pre-show activities. Sorry, no embed available for this one although that might be to your benefit. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7E-47VmFopE

Aretha Franklin - This Christmas

Don't get me wrong. I fucking love Aretha and I understand aging pop stars are wont to do lazy shit like this to supplement their income instead of actually producing new music (hey, didn't Al Green release a pretty decent album a couple of years ago?). But this song right here is just straight embarrassing. So, not only is nepotism on display but Eddie's little Mariah Carey moment followed by some terrible scat/rap combo...the Queen of Soul's word salad ramblings...This was a Borders exclusive and right around liquidation they shipped us a fuckton of the album to be priced at 99 cents. It took over three years and the company going out of business to unload this diaper stain of a Christmas album.

Newsong - The Christmas Shoes

Tim Tebow could release a Christmas song lamenting sheared foreskins and aborted fetuses and I would not be able to hate it as much as "The Christmas Shoes." I would rather have married a Juggalette or my nephew grow up to be the new Chris Martin than this song exist. And to throw some more salt in the wound the little shit in the video is wearing a Red Sox hat. Fuck atheism. I am SURE there is a God now who endeared his wretched minions with the dearth to create this song and for it to become a bonafide hit JUST TO TORTURE ME BECAUSE I AM HEATHEN SCUM. 8-Bit hadn't heard this travesty of an aural abortion until a few weeks ago and I envy him. I wish I didn't spend two Christmases with this Christian rock bullshit pulsating from the overhead speakers every half hour. I hope Christopher Hitchens survives his cancer treatment and can walk up to the singer of Newsong and put his foot squarely in that cunt's nutsack! I hope Richard Dawkins writes a treatise on this song more condescending than The God Delusion and reads it to these bastards, stopping to explain every obvious scientific theorem twenty times over. Hang on, I gotta do a shot.

/downs bottle of Jameson while receiving sympathetic looks from the dogs

So, if you want the quick version of why this song is so wretched (lyrically) then check out Patton Oswalt NUKING it here. Earlier, I brought up my general complaints regarding most pop music ((bland, boring, safe, dumbed down, void of emotion, etc.) and this song fits that perfectly. I feel that criticising the music on display is a moot point considering all the assholes that love this song focus more on the lyrics than music. How else could you explain the enduring popularity of Christian pop music? What fucking parent sends his son out to get a pair of motherfucking shoes before his wife/the kids mom croaks? And the protagonist outs himself as a gaping asshole for standing in line on December 24th to buy gifts for people he could give a FUCK about. If my hardcore Baptist grandmother who is about to be put in hospice care heard this load of crap she'd have the same objections her beloved atheist grandson does: it's antithetical to the tenets of Christianity, it's a bunch of Joel Osteen buy your way into heaven propagated bunk, it's a shitty song that shouldn't be excused because it makes Glenn Beck's dick hard (okay, that last part might not be true)!

Because Jesus didn't believe in sharing I can't embed this here. Troll in the comments random people who were misguided to my blog by google.

http://youtu.be/GJcPVB-we7g

I leave you with this, my final argument on Christmas music as contradictory as it is. A lame song I enjoy due to its timeliness and stance against the general public mood.

Can We Please Quit Getting Cute with Metal?

Are you ready to have your mind blown? Not over what about you are going to listen to if you click the link below but that a group apparent music enthusiasts thought this would be a good fucking idea. Get ready for, a capella metal.

Did any of that make fucking sense to you? Me, neither. It's like Rockapella's kids grew up to realize what huge tools their fathers were and decided to bail to Europe and get metal. Except, they realized the only talent they had were for making kazoo sounds, the baritone growl of that annoying Crazy Frog fad and for making "eeeevil" and "scaaaary" faces at the camera. So, they hooked up with a goth chick and what has to be the most desperate drummer to be in a band ever and here we are.

Alright, let's break this bitch down.

0:03: Okay, if I'm watching some dude ride in on a horse it better be Game of Thrones and some motherfuckers better about to be annihilated in the goriest fashion possible.

0:05: What the fuck was that? We just jump right into the whole D&D metal theme? Here's a quick tip, Van Canto, Dragonforce are only cool for doing that shit because THEY FUCKING SHRED! Can your a capella scale solos compete with that? Let's see.

0:07: And we meet the band which seems to comprised of non-unibrow Eli Roth, a chick who wasn't fat enough to the be to Gothpera singer in Cradle of Filth, an odd Rob Halford/Anton Lavey mixture (metal points for that) and Shawn Michaels. Fucking fantastic. Let's rock this joint!

0:10: /smacks drummer over the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

NO! NO! Bad drummer! First of all, put those sticks down asshat, this ain't rockin' and second you are enabling the suck. I'm pretty sure without your presence they would've never attempted this shit Big Black style. Hopefully, you make them your kit bitch and never have to move, set up or breakdown a thing.

0:24: Ah, so we're gonna hear this chick wail a little bit. Awesome, this song could really use some more filler. In fact, I thought it was over before the...verse? Whatever ever the fuck this is that's going on now.

0:52: So, is she like telling him you can wreck this body if you find the One Ring or something? Just a vibe I'm getting.

0:54: That medieval middle school kid is like, "Fuck that noise!" You see that look in his eyes? That means tits or GTFO, lady! But, he's got no other choice, right?

1:04: Or does he? Look at him cop a feel of that statue? Okay, so pseudo date rape is what's setting the narrative to this video in motion. Whatever.

1:07: Every time they do the "dumdumdumdumdumdumdumdum" thing it makes wish that I was watching a metal version of South Park's "All About Mormons." I can't be alone in that.

1:40: Quit cutting to Shawn Michaels. I think this video might be like the one from Ringu and he's gonna pull a Sadako and come through the screen to rape me. Actually, I am so afraid of this being true it's the reason I got you to watch the video in the first place. Suckers!

2:04: YEEEESSS! Lavey/Halford! Have the kid burn the cross! Let's get METAAAAAL! Wait, why the fuck is he walking away from it? Okay, okay, I forgive you for not making it upside down. Just send him back there with a book of matches and a gas can!

2:18: Put your horns down, twat muffin. Going "ringdigityringdigityringdigityring" does not mean you are rocking a goddamned thing.

2:27: Aaaaaaand here we come to the solo. It's like 30 tracks of kindergarten kazoo playing layered on top of each other. Blink 182 called and said Van Canto uses way too many tracks.

2:30: See homechick finger pointing the guy while he is making the international hand gesture for jerking off? This is the reason Metalocalypse was created.

2:42: I'd never thought I would say this but this song really drags without the girl singing. Or is it that I glean faint entertainment from average cleavage being shamelessly sold?

2:45: HOLY FUCK! THE ELI ROTH DOUCHE JUST PLAYED AIR GUITAR TO HIS OWN BAND THAT FEATURES NO GUITAR!

2:50: It's your last test, my son. Run through the fiery vagina and you will reborn being able to proclaim stake to the chick you molested earlier in the video. It is your birthright!

3:06: Yeah, I know he's not drumming that fast but because in in THIS band...he's totally using a trigger.

3:20: Halford/Lavey just smiled. There go your metal points, bro.

3:35: Holy shit, are we really doing the whole kazoo solo thing again? Didn't it suck enough the first time?

3:38: Apparently not! They had to double down with the Thin Lizy style dual kazoo solo! It'll melt yo face off!

4:00: See how she said, "In me the wishmaster?" Totally called that she wanted to bang Young Ned of the Shire.

4:14: TOTAL VINDICATION! See, he totally grabbed her tit. And made the rest of the band go away! Unfortunately we still have a few more seconds with this song.

3:00: Nevermind. It drags just the same. Even when you factor in the cleavage.

Get Ready for the Biggest Musical Trainwreck of the Year!

Holy fucking shit. Seriously, sweet titty fucking christ I cannot believe what I just read. From the Daily Swarm:
“I recorded five joints for Michael Jackson,” [R.] Kelly said, as we sat in the intimate recording studio nestled in the basement of his Chicago mansion. “This studio here is where Michael recorded. And we had been talking on the phone about his new album, and I was going to finish what Michael was doing at the time. We’re going to get it out though. Michael liked the way I would try to sing the songs just like him.”
So, not only do we get to experience Captain EO's Chinese Democracy (which I recently proclaimed wouldn't happen. My bad.) but kid toucher/pisser R. Kelly is going to be completing it? I haven't been this stoked on failure since Sarah Palin. Anyone expecting a new MJ album to be even remotely listenable needs to pull their head outta their ass and face reality.
And let's not forget that this isn't "I Believe I Can Fly" R. Kelly at the helm. Oh no. This is batshit fucking nuts post-AIDS opera R. Kelly. He's the fucking Tommy Wiseau of R & B. We all know homeboy was dead fucking serious when he started "Trapped in Closet" and then realized we were all laughing at him and tried to play it off like it was his intention all along. In fact, he's still continuing on in that vein.

Worlds of suck are about to collide and the only one who can be legitamately excited about this impending shit sandwich is Joe Jackson who is already counting his dollars.

The Rise of Douche-core (Temporary Term Until I Come Up with Something Better)

America has an infatuation with people of the lowest common denominator. We revel in the trash tabloid antics of reality TV stars, go nuts over books and blogs dealing with insufferable, extremely ego-maniacal specimens of humanity and just can't wait until these people actually end up recording albums.
The number 1 dream of most kids is to be a pop-star (I was willing to split it about dead even with movie star but since most movie stars desperatley want to shit out a record I think my final assertion is correct) and for many who find fame via a leaked sex tape, an E! tv series or even YouTube stars this is the desired goal of all their self-inflicted humilation and vicious public dissection of personality. While their music always fucking sucked at least you knew they had to suffer somewhat before their dreams were finally crushed and they were thrown back to the confines of the Vh1 meat grinder. Now, we have bands that have bypassed that whole scene and are exploding into mainstream consciousness with some of the most dull, horrid and bafflingly popular music. It's like these people went into an A & R dickhead's office and pitched themselves and the music was tailored to fit their extra vinegary scent of failure.
Welcome to Douche-Core, people. Whereas it would make sense for some dumb cunt with big fake tits like Heidi from the Hills to drop an album (in logical terms it actually doesn't. There is no way in hell anyone should let that bitch within ten feet of even a karaoke machine. But, because these wasted souls are such attention whores looking to exploit the Us Weekly readers and gossip hounds for as much cash as possible they have to offer as much product as possible before they move on to the next pop-culture car crash) the fact that Asher Roth, Brokencyde and ThreeOh3! have shat thier wretchedness onto wax and the internet signals a new low in the human race. Not only because these bands exist but because people are eagerly wallowing in their output. Hey, I wouldn't be talking about these fucking twats unless they had made enough of a ripple to make in my radar via work (oh yeah, the popped collar crowd goes nuts for Asher and Three while the Hot Topic poodle-core kids can't get enough of Brokencyde) or random shit talking on music blogs.
When I tell friends about just how fucking appalling this shit is they immediately accuse me of self-righteous hyperbole. Well, here is Exhibit fucking A: Brokencyde:

Wow. There is so much wrong there I don't know where to begin. The Flock of Seagulls haircuts? The preponderance of hot pink and 80's day-glo attire? The bored looking skanks? The insanely disgusting misogny? Oh wait, these are aesthetic complaints and I'm here to bitch about the music exclusively. Okay. WHO THE FUCK THOUGHT ANYTHING IN THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA? It's like the beat was ripped from one of those clubs you find New Jersey guido's with orange tan and rock hard spiked hair trying to date rape some shore chicks. Let's ignore the auto-tuner because that shit has been beat into the ground and it's understandable for a bunch of white, suburban New Mexico dorks to worship and mimic anything Kanye West does but the screamo shit? YYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOW! Really? I guarantee you the band meeting when they decided to include that garbage (maybe at a later date we can imagine the one where the decided to have the mascot from Piggly Wiggly in the band) went something like this:
Poodle-core Brah #1: Brah, man that beat is so tight and yo like my rhymes about bitches and shit gettin' messay and not wantin' them dykes around cuz they fuck with my penis flow are DA BOMB but we just sound like every otha whitey shorty (high pitched voice) PLAYA PLAYA out in the game and deez streets. We gotsta set ourselves apart and pay respect that yo-core shit that is our ROOTZ, DAWG!
Poodle-core Brah #2: For reelz, homie. We be whack without something for dem hoes at Visible Changes who hooked us up with this fly dye-job and feathered spikes to get wet over. They always be clocking my shit when I'm shopping for fresh lime green and hot pink duds at da Hot Topic. Wait, that's it son! We gon do that screamin' shit like those bands they play in the store! You spits that hot fiyah and I'll go YOOOOOOOOOOW! after the verse and we'll get like all dem suburban shorties panties MOIST, PLAYA!
Poodle-core Brah #1: DAAAAAAMN! That is some smart shit son! Dad, yo pops! You bankrollin' dis here piece so what you think?
Poodle-Core Brah #1's Dad who is financing his fuck up child's retarded musical endeavor: Well son, it is always good to cross promote yourself and to diversify you're musical style so that it can attract as wide a crowd as possible.
(Poodle-core Brah's stare at each other like Stephen Hawking just delivered a speech on physics)
Poodle-core Brah #1: Soooooo? You'll still front us the cake, pops?
Dad: (sighs) Yes, Bradley. (flips the kid his check book then retreats to his bedroom to swallow a shotgun)
Now we get MTV whoring this bile out and don't the kids just love it. All three of these talentless (sorry, I expended all of my hatred on Brokencyde and do not want to suffer through Asher Roth or ThreeOH3! again) assholes are gaining in popularity and duping a generation who was weaned on Limp Bizkit into further musical idiocy. It's bands and fads like this that really make me glad the record industry is almost fucking dead.

Why are You People Freaking Out Over this Fucktard?

Usually, I wouldn't waste my hatred ranting about shit like American Idol but the whole Adam Lambert deal is just confusing the ever lovin' shit outta me. Of course, the fact that people would worship some schmuck just cause they won an arbitrary karaoke contest is beyond my comprehension but folks are treating this guy-liner sporting twat like the second coming. Weep, for the state of modern music, my friends.
So, homeboy is on the cover of the new Rolling Stone and I've had customers at work flip the fuck out over the rag even willing to pay a five dollar shipping fee since they can't make it over to pick up a copy (what are there no Stop N Go's near your house?). It's really funny to me how people seem to think this kid has an edge or is representing anything remotely close to rock 'n' roll. He's just another asshole who has servicable pipes and wants to ride the major label gravy train until the world moves onto the next big parade. When I explain this to people (usually dressed in wretched 80's throwback attire and neon) they get upset and tell me the Rolling Stone interview has a lot of juicy tidbits and sets him apart from past Idol contestants.
Spoiler, idiots, no it doesn't. He is no different than anyone else on the show and let me explain this to you point by point playing devils advocate to set up the arguments.

1. HE'S GAY!
Whoopdie shit. Is that really the most compelling thing about this asshat? The fact that he likes the cock and is open about it? Besides, you knew he was gay before he outed himself in Rolling Stone (for fucks sakes Entertainment Weekly pretty much outed him when they did a cover story on him). Is that such a big deal for you that we have a pop star that is into the same sex? Boy George, Elton John, George Michael...the list goes on forever of successful gay men who have wrecked the pop charts while never hiding their sexuality (and if you ever had a doubt about George Michael seek help). So what's the big deal about him saying, "Yeah, I'm gay," in print? How does that add to your enthusiasm for him? Does he go into detail about how prefers facials, grabs ankles and considers himself a bottom? NO. Besides, Clay Aiken did the same exact thing except he waited a few years to admit to the truth when he desperately needed publicity. Get the fuck over it.

2. He's a rocker!
No, he's not. Just because he picked good tunes (I've never seen the show but know of the songs he butchered) doesn't mean he is some devil may care rebel out to revolutionize the American Idol brand. He is a simple yes man doing whatever the puppet masters at his label impart upon him. American Idol stars' albums follow whatever trend is popular in music at the time and since Green Day is the biggest band on the planet they decided to go with the kid who likes to shriek and will appeal to the rowdy side of the teeny bopper set. Besides, Bo Bice and Chris Daughtry already did it. Oh and let's not ignore the fact the he slaughtered EVERY SINGLE FUCKING SONG he sang. He robbed "Mad World" of all it's impact and beauty with a blase cover. His Johnny Cash go? Fucking dreadfull and I'm sure the Man in Black is spinning in his grave right now. And how the fuck dare do you cover Queen. There is no way in hell you could move people the way Freddy Mercury did. That man could lift you to the top of the mountain or drag you to hell with his voice. And double fuck you since because you're gay you should know not to disgrace a pioneer like Freddy fucking Mercury.

3. OMG! An American Idol that Does Drugs? HOT!
Wow, it's almost like they want these kids to act like actual rock stars! Soccer moms be damned! Oh wait, there was some fat chick who was on Celebrity Rehab for being a coke-head and a drunk. Yeah, strike three, Adam. Fuck off and tell your cult of fans to drink the purple Kool-Aid.

And in case you were wondering, yes, I fucking hate myself for knowing this much about American Idol.

Veto! Motherfucking VETO!

I'll save you my usual bitching about bands from the 60's and 70's who haven't done fuck all aside from a swing of reunion tours deciding the time is right to pick up where the sonically left off and hit the studio. The New York Dolls and Stooges are the best (worst?) examples of what can transpire if you consider yourselves as anything more than a nostalgia act and try to recapture the insanity and nihilism of your youth.
Add one more group to the list who DIDN'T GET THE FUCKING MEMO! From punknews.org:
The legendary Sex Pistols are again hinting at a new studio album. Bassist Glen Matlock spoke to The Quietus about a 2009 album: The Sex Pistols? We've done our bit this year…we'll meet again in the new year and see what we want to do. We were not recording a new album - I think that journalists are making it up, but you can never say never. We all got ideas between us. It's a double-edged sword if you do it not good as the original, and if you don't do it people want to know why - but it's up to us. We are the masters of our own destiny.
I think we can all agree that this is a fucking horrible idea. Like, maybe worse than, say Facebook: The Movie!. Or being raped in the face. Yeah, I would prefer that than the Sex Pistols recording anything ever again. Oh, and Glen, you don't control SHIT in that band. Remember, you were the only one who could play until McClaren and Rotten decided to chuck your ass for walking calamity that was Sid Vicious. We all know Mr. Lydon is the puppet master now since you can't pull a Velvet Revolver and have people care. But, seriously, stay the fuck away from music. Thanks, humanity.