Monday, May 25, 2009

The Most Fucking Epic Request I've Gotten from a Mexico City Tourist

It's no lie that I hate the fresas (thanks, Bianca!). You know the wealthy as fuck tourists from Mexico City who come down to Texas and instantly begin to act like Euro-Trash, tossing cash around like they're PacMan Jones, treating the staff wherever they go like shit and just existing as all around examples of failed humanity.
I used to think it was the book store that got the brunt of the bullshit from these fuckers but after hanging out with fellow slaves to the Galleria (even some who used to work there a decade ago) I've found I'm not alone. We all fucking hate these people and their endless amounts of cash and excessive demands (no, cockstain, season five of Lost is not out yet) and happiness at watching their children wreck shit while screaming out for one another at the top of their lungs. But, I met one guy who made me realize maybe all the mini-fresas aren't just emo-manga-Twihard-dorks (most insane requests are made at the behest of the litte brats at home). Some of them actually know good shit. This is what I got asked for while the only other punk rocker employed at my store stood by as our jaws simultaneously dropped and turned into big Charlie Brown grins.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Two Oz Skanks Teach You How to Fuck Mediocre Bands

I don't actually know if these chicks are Austrailian or not but seeing as how they're proud of fucking's a pretty safe bet. So, here we have two pretty meh hookers giving you advice on fucking way past their prime alternative, metal or hardcore bands. Hey ladies, if you CAN'T get a guy in a hardcore band to fuck you then you just need to give up on men. Those dudes are some of the most mongoloid motherfuckers who will stick their dick in just about anything. There is no artform. Just show them your vag and if they aren't edge they will jump right on that shit.
Oh and you think it was skill with your poon that got you nailed by Scott Vogel? The dude who says shit like this on stage, "This song is a new one so if you know the words come and help me singalong it's called "Keep Your Mouth Shut!"?" You're lucky he didn't shit himself mid-coitus. And tour managers? Honey, that takes you way down on the groupie chain when you brag about fucking a tour manager. It burns my soul to think that the Madden brothers are getting laid or Jamey Jasta is wasting gash just for being in the most base hardcore band on the planet but a tour manager should never get groupie sniz. That just means you really don't believe in the primal power of your wretched cunt.
10 bucks says VH1 is gonna greenlight a bootcamp style reality show on these two syphelitic skanks.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

The Most Awesome Band Fight Ever

Sorry for the lack of updates around here but I'm just too miserable lately to try and pound out some new vapid, hostile and juvenile criticism of shitty bands and other pop culture maladies. Hopefully, after having a 3 day vacation from the utter hell that is my job (I want to carpet bomb Mexico City just so I don't have to hear a request for a motherfucking TV show that is currently airing or a movie that hasn't even been released yet) I can get my head right and keep the hate alive. With that said, here is a tiny morsel of joy.
If you've never seen Dig!, Netflix that shit pronto, children. It's not going to change your life or anything but it certainly will provide loads of entertainment wathcing two groups of competing douchebags try to cash in on the mid-90's indie scene. The singer of the Dandy Warhols pretty much made this film as revenge on Brian Jonestown Massacre's Anton Newcombe but he comes off smelling just as vinegary.
The highlight of the film comes when BJM are playing for some major label execs and then Anton gets all hurt pussy over somebody fumbling a power chord and goes fucking beserk. See that little twat with the Spock hair and pretending to be an important member of the band? That's Anton's only fucking friend and defender throughout the whole flick and even he gets a tongue lashing for failing at the maraccas. Not even Axl Rose could top an end to a band fight with a line like, "Fucking broke my si-TAR, motherfucker!"