Saturday, November 29, 2008

I Must be Drunk...I'm Kinda Siding with Axl on this One

Now, don't think for a second that I enjoyed ANY bit of the decade-plus festering piece of shit that is called Chinese Democracy. Shit was weak and Axl needs to just give the fuck up. Or at least quit issuing utter garbage that would make Tay Zonday cringe under the name Guns 'N' Roses. It was way worse than Duff's cover of Johnny Thunders' "You Can't Put Your Arms Around a Memory" which is very impressive (remember the improv line, "Oh, Johnny. I wanna put MY arms around YOUR memory.")
From The Most God Awful Music Magazine in Existence:
According to Axl Rose’s lawyer, Alan S. Gutman, things went terribly wrong: Yesterday he sent a letter to Dr Pepper CEO Larry Young saying that the soda company’s Website crashed and that “the redemption scheme your company clumsily implemented for this offer was an unmitigated disaster which defrauded consumers and, in the eyes of vocal fans, ‘ruined’ the day of Chinese Democracy’s release”.
Really, dickhead? The worst part about that day was the fact that Axl finally released the fucking thing and confirmed that he is absolutely fucking daft. Really, the only bright point of the event was that we all could score a free Dr. Pepper and it sucks that the thirsty, cheap folks who got fucked by the website didn't get their soda. In reality, Axl should've given us all free hummers for making his fans wait 15 years for a dated, terrible and fucking boring album. I'd rather listen to the Jonas Brothers than suffer through Chinese Democracy one more time. And while we're on the subject of retribution, I hope somebody paid Chuck Klosterman a shitload of cash (or at least bought a gazillion copies of his novel) to write such a pussified, Rolling Stone-style review. How in the fuck do you even rate any of the songs on this aural abortion "astonishing?" I just don't see the logic in classifying a review of this very real item as akin to reviewing a "unicorn."
Oh, and hey, it gets better. This is how the letter concludes.
"Rest assured, this misappropriation will not be free.”
What? Are the labels trying to recoupt the loss on this fucking thing or does William need a few more hair-plug dread extensions and botox injections? Look, Dr. Pepper fucking up by not giving "everyone in America" a free can of soda is nothing to sue for damages over. Just make 'em pony up for all the bitching dipshits who can't spare 50 cents (I don't give a fuck what the economy is like now. If you can get online to bitch about a fucking freebie giveaway, you can afford your own damn can of pop) but leave the threatening bullshit out of it. Or at least, quit milking the incident to drum up publicity for an album 99% of the people who cared about have already heard and the rest of the world who just wanna jam Appetite for Destruction and nothing else.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Hell Motherfuckin' Yeah!

Rob Neyer can eat a bag of dicks. No make that a bag of baby dicks.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Protest Prop 8 Tomorrow Downtown

If you want a ban on gay marriage then fuck you. Seriously. Quit with this "sanctity of marriage" bullshit. If it can be nullified within a few days or because either party didn't put out in a specific amount of time or if you just feel like fucking someone else then it is not as sacred of an institution as many Americans would like to believe.
I'm not saying that all marriages end in disaster but if it were all so rosy and simple then family law wouldn't be a hell most people don't have the stomach or heart to deal with. There is a lot of ugly shit that happens in this realm of law that has many LSAT aces so unnerved by the whole scene as to vow never to go near it. That tells me a lot about how sacred Americans view their marriages. Sweet fucking Bog, just think about the fact that Carmen Electra married Dennis Rodman for like 2 hours and tell me that gay people shouldn't be afforded the same legal rights and benefits as those two nutsacks.
So, if you can, go out and protest the passage of Prop 8 and let the government and your fellow Americans know that the civil rights struggle did not end with the election of an African American president.
Since California passed prop 8 the country is having rallies this weekend to spread awareness on the issue.
Meet at City Hall 901 Bagby, Houston, TX Scheduled to begin at 12:30pm - Saturday, November 15. We will gather in Hermann Square which is right behind City Hall.
Maps and details at: .. Fight H8 Houston
We have secured all permits required for this event. Please bring signs and posters.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

I LIVE for Schadenfreude. At Least When it Concerns Chubby Goth Twihard Fans!

Oh man. I must have watched this video like 20 fucking times in a row. I'm not joking. And I found this while perusing Fangoria of all places? Look, Tony Timpone, I know your mag is really lagging in readership (Rue Morgue has been vastly superior to Fango since their first issue) and you have to cover whatever shit sandwich Lions Gate dumps out like its the second coming of Romero but...Twilight? Come the fuck on. The only reason I flip through your mag anymore on my lunch break is to see the spoiler gore shots and since you're gonna go ahead and jump on the tween gravy train I'm just gonna have to stop. That movie has about as much to do with the horror genre (I don't give a fuck if vampires are involved) as George W. does with Mensa.
Anyhoo, let's get back to matter at hand. Laughing at future Torrid shoppers who got fucked out of shooting their T.V. eye's on the star of what Film Drunk has dubbed Dawson's Crypt.

Wow, so your birthday is ruined because you didn't get to spend a nanosecond with some limey douche with stupid hair who is playing a FICTIONAL CHARACTER that gets your twat thumpin'? It's not like you were gonna hang out for half an hour whilst sipping latte's with the gent and discussing his craft and then he would whisk you away to recreate the "epic" (and by Bog, do I even feel sick typing that word despite the quotation marks) romance that has enthralled your pre-pubescent mind.
Oh, and what the fuck is up with the guy who punched his window out? They never really make it clear if he was there to get some shit signed, checking out underage gash or what. That probably made me laugh the hardest. Punching a fucking window out? It's not like Daniel-san just whooped up on the Cobra Kai you just missed out on some tween star scribbling on a t-shirt. Keep entertaining me like this Twihard fans and I'll keep the Hounds of Hell at bay a little longer.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

This is Just Brilliant

One of my favorite things to do when I need to put a smile on my face is checking out Rock N Roll Confidential's Hall of Douchebags. It's a collection of hillariously lame band photos with some brutal descriptions following the pictures.
Someone took a collection of high school Senior Portraits and posted them online and the selections are nothing short of epic. I just hope they add more than 16. Enjoy them for yourself HERE

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

My "Intelligent" Critique of Twilight...with Limited Cursing!

"I don't disagree with you that Twilight is written horribly, and that the author is below average but do you really need to use such strong language? You could say the same insulting things in an entirely more intelligent and mature manner..." - Anonymous commenter from this post.
First of all, you are reading a blog that was born from a Xeroxed fanzine called PLEASE KILL YOURSELF written by a guy calling himself JAY DEBAUCHERY and you expect a Foucault level of couth in my discourse? Are you fucking kidding me? Shit, the slogan for this whole thing is "Jihad for Rock 'N' Roll Motherfuckers!" If you wanna read something without the cursing and horrible vindictiveness that we can all easily prescribe to our inner dialogue then stick to USA Today.
I'm assuming you did a Google search for Twilight and stumbled upon my lonely home on the internet. Thanks, for checking us out and I'm sorry you felt that my lack of discretion when it comes to expletives made you cringe.
I believe that writing is at its best when it's done honestly. No barriers, no cleaning up of the raw emotion that urges the typer to punch out their view of the world or version of the truth. And I also believe that anyone trying to tackle any wordy endeavor be it blog, print media (of which I have been paid to do) or just photo copying and passing out for free should write like they speak to everyone they end up conversing with in everyday life. In my case, sailors blush when I speak and I do end up censoring myself in certain situations (mainly work). But when it comes to my art, all reservations are checked at the door. I really don't care if anyone is personally upset about me calling Stephanie Meyer a cunt (she is one). What offends me is calling my ranting un-intellectual because of the crude manner in which I choose to convey my message.
In my initial post I commented on a trio of literary geniuses (Celine, Kerouac, Bukowski) in comparison to some shitty writer (look back up there, kids. Anonymous admits Meyer is weak) and despite my name dropping for cool points, I thought I made some very clear points about why the whole Twilight scene is lame. I'm sorry Anonymous couldn't see that through the usage of the word "fuck" every other sentence.
So, to satiate that commenter, let me reiterate my points as expressed in a previous post:
I believe that the Twilight series is a radically anti-feminist bit of schlock pulp that is written so poorly it might actually hinder our rational inclination to evolve intellectually. It tells women that they are only made strong by their man. That they can act as idiotic as possible but it's okay because their man will be there to save them. It also boasts (yes, I use that word purposely) that all a woman needs in her life is a man to be slavishly devoted to her and she should reciprocate those emotions and constantly risk her life and cede herself to his will. Oh, and squirting out a kid is the end all of their corporeal existence and that will truly satisfy them.
I had a customer today tell me that the above is all true but it's sometimes fun to indulge in the fantasy of the story. "Fantasy" is the key word here folks. And remember that Meyer is writing this whole mess from a strict Mormon background. Yes, she has managed to tie vampires (an already lame, lazy and overdone subgenre) filled with religious zeal. I told the customer that it was rather frightening to me that there was an entire generation of women (I would use "girls" here There are some insane Twilight mom's out there. Jeebus, help their offspring) who believe Bella's arc to be a parable for their life. She admitted that might be the case and strolled off. Wow.
A generation of women weakened by the pen and prescribed to be slaves to men. Thanks Stephanie Meyer.
And to Anonymous, was that fucking intellectual enough for ya?

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

John McCain Will Play This for Sarah Palin ala Say Anything Tonight

If he picked Lieberman, it would've been a race. This dumb cunt tanked his campaign. Well, we should all thank him for that.

Monday, November 3, 2008

This is What 100 Years of Suffering Will Do to Somebody

Whoah. Talk about loyalty there, sport. That tattoo is the equivalent of a Red Sox fan turning to the Evil Empire in case your not up on your baseball rivalries. As much joy and laughter as I get from that picture the fan in me still says, "Fucking' pussy."