Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Speaking of BradyFan83...

He speaks the truth.

Another Reason to Hate Cowboys Fans

There's a million of them but for fucks sake these fucking crackers leave you no choice but to pray for the Cowgirls further suckage. If you know who did this video, please kick them in the nuts HARD so that they cannot befoul the Earth by spreading their seed. This still doesn't top BradyFan's epic Tony Romo vid set to "Desperado".

About Two Months Late but Still Awesome

Back in November, it was announced that there would be an Uncle Ruckus Xmas album to be available before Jeebus day. Well, that didn't happen and who knows if we'll ever get to experience its glory. However, some kind soul posted two of the tracks on YouTube in the video you will find below. Yes, they are totally mind blowing.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Roy Oswalt: Finally Fucked by a Non-Astro

Johan Santana, one of the sickest fucking lefties I've seen, will now be playing for the New York Mets. Yes, the Sox fan in me still hates those bastards for 1986.
But, we all shouldn't be surprised that this happened. The Twins sent word that they wanted final offers from interested parties the other day and the Red Sox and Evil Empire didn't budge. Yet, the Mets didn't have to give up shit for the 2 time Cy Young winner. Of course they didn't want Johan to stay in the AL but FOR FUCKS SAKE trading the guy for nothing (an extension and physical are still pending) makes no sense.
What is more upsetting to me is the cruel realisation that Roy Oswalt will never be awarded the highest honor to pitchers in baseball. Yes, Roy O. should've gotten it back to back but with Johan Santana in the league, it seems highly unlikely that one of the greatest Astros will never get his props and that just pisses me off.
I hope they put Isiah Thomas in charge of the Mets.
P.S. Fuck you Ed Wade. We're now heading into arbitration for Valverde and Loretta which is just retarded. Loretta, epecially because we might not have a fucking shortstop due to, ya know, the government. You're about to enter a Purpura level of hatred.

In May, Road Trip AGAIN, Bitches!

Wow, whoever is pulling this shit for Emo's needs to stop. Austin is pretty weak. You got nothing but a bunch of hipsters and fashion victims and wannabe scenesters clogging up all the cool shows just to be seen. That is fucking lame. Plus, UT apparently has the highest rate of STD's out of any college in the country by far. That's why I don't fuck ladies that hail from Austin. The toxic vag juice will rip through even the strongest Trojan if those studies have held up.
Oh yeah, the New Bomb Turks (one of the best live bands I have EVER seen) are gonna re-unite on May 17th with the Quadrajets. Fuck you W for the gas prices in advance.

Rivers Cuomo Thinks You Care

Look, I dig Weezer (at least the first three albums. After that Cuomo just figured people would dig whatever shit he put out in faux-awkward geek format. But he forgot, HE'S A FUCKING ROCK STAR. No one is gonna pity you when you're making money hand over fist and getting gash thrown at you like it's candy from a pinata). I haven't checked out his new disc of demos and b-sides yet but plan to sometime. Seriously, the stack of shit I'm trying to listen to now would kill Grrr if she was sleeping under it.
Cuomo passed himself off as the Brian Wilson of my generation minus the genius (just listen to Pet Sounds) and now believes the legion of now 20 something hipsters care about the intense poetry and depth that went into writing "Buddy Holly", "Undone (The Sweater Song)", and "In the Garage" (quite possibly the most ballsy rip off of Brian Wilson since "Kokomo"). Yes, Pinkerton is one of the best albums of the 90's but that doesn't absolve Cuomo from being called out for his pretentious bullshit.
Now, the motherfucker is planning on an EIGHT VOLUME (at press time) memoir about his life past and present. If you've ever heard a Weezer song written without the keen pop sense of Matt Sharpe (read: everything post Pinkerton) you know this is a bad idea. Cuomo is a megalomaniac who will allow no one to restrain his sensitive artistic nature. Yeah, the same dude who got rich writing three minute pop tunes is writing EIGHT VOLUMES about his life. Weak.
Let me sum it up for you guys: I was a loner, I was a geek, I got famous because of Kurt Cobain, I did a bunch of coke and professed my love of young Asian chicks, I married one, I don't want to be famous anymore. THE END.
Powerfull stuff, there, Rivers!

And the news keeps coming...Saul Williams, April 1st

8Bit should hit this up with me. If he doesn't then I'm gonna be pissed. I'm VERY curious to see how his new album shakes out live and loud. In case you forgot, I love Saul on the disc but am not a fan of the Trent Reznor production. That guy stepped out of his comfort zone for Marilyn Manson's first disc but now it seems like everthing he does has to sound like NIN. Fuck that. Hopefully, my boy Wheeler will be working the show and getting us sloshed.

Road Trip in August, Bitches!

Last night my buddy Travis posted about a Power Pop fest happening at Emo's in Austin on August 29th. It involves the Clorox Girls (they fucking rule), the Boss Martians (the last time they came to Houston was to play at the hippie fleabag joint Super Happy Funland and I encouraged them to bail when they had a band meeting to decide what to do) and the Cute Lepers (the Briefs side project). That's cool enough but THE MOTHERFUCKING BOYS (UK not USA) are gonna play. Holy shit, this is gonna slay. Check out these videos and wipe the drool from your chin, yo.
The Boys
The Boss Martians

Sunday, January 27, 2008

So THIS is What Happened to Tim Cappello

If it wasn't for the mullets or the fact that this was, in essence, a "Corey" flick, we would only remember the Lost Boys for that cringe inducing scene on the boardwalk. You know what I'm talking about. The scene with the greased up, ripped motherfucker rocking out on the saxophone saying something about still believing. It was a great moment of unintentional comedy in what was otherwise (as far as 80's tween horror flicks go) a solid movie. Well, Please Kill Yourself has learned that Tim Cappello has resurfaced in Europe only to bring his new musical stylings in an equally frightening direction like those of the 80's.
Of course, the dude could just give it up, sport some denim cutoffs and work security for Turbonegro. That seems like it could be a good fit.

Friday, January 25, 2008

He Likes Turtles

There's a pretty good conversation over at about the best old ballpark around. It's between Fenway and Wrigley and while I've never been to Wrigley (and desperately want to go just to dress up like a black cat and run onto the field sticking up my middle fingers. Yeah, the Red Sox fan in me wants the die-hard Cubbie fans to experience the same awesome elation I did in 2004 but just not before the Astros when it all. Which is when I can die happy. Oh and fuck the White Sox) which way do you think I'm leaning? Fenway rules, the atmosphere is like nothing I've ever experienced at a ballpark. It's like fucking Mardi Gras for baseball outside the gates and it is intimate. What a ballpark should be. But, boy do I miss the Dome.
Anyhoo, before I grub down and head off to upsell motherfuckers coming in to by the Juno soundtrack on Mott the Hoople, I figured I'd share this with you and it makes me almost piss myself everytime I watch it.
If you want some perspecitve on Wrigley, ask my brother in law. I think he's been there.

Thursday, January 24, 2008


If you're a fan of sports blogs, get ready. The man, the myth, the legend, Stephen A. Smith has just joined the interweb. That's right, the same smug, always screaming douche bag (who had a shitty talk show on ESPN that got quickly cancelled) who condemned the blogosphere a few weeks ago has decided that he as an immutable gift which he must continue to share with us.
I guess his appearances on ESPN, or Meet the Press (what the fuck is up with that? This dude doesn't even understand the differences between different sports contracts, something he is supposedly paid for slight expertise in, but expects us to buy he knows fuck all about politics?) weren't sufficient enough since his delicate prose, often created via BlackBerry, has vanished from the Philadelphia Inquirer.
This is gonna be fucking epic. And in honor of this momentous occasion, I bring you...The Stephen A. Smith Society of Heckling Gentlemen at last years NBA Draft. Check out the 2006 video for extra hilarity.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Just to remind everyone, the man featured in this video will be pitching for the Astros this season. And Jeebus wept.

The Only Man Who Literally "ROCKED" the Mullet

He fucked Iggy Pop and Mick Jagger. You can stop your internal dialogue now.

Coolest. Video. EVER!

How can you top some chick who looks like Blaze or Lazer or Blazer from the original American Gladiators (but with tits) in zebra-print spandex getting whisked away by GOD (aka Lemmy Kilmeister). You just can't.
But GOD doesn't stop there. He's gotta rock that Harley across town, grabbing his chicks ass occasionaly as if to say, "It's okay, doll. I'm gonna bust the pile driver on you as soon as these fucking pigs quit busting buckshot at me."
And if the ending of this triumph doesn't seal the deal that Lemmy is GOD, well at best he's Jeebus. The motherfucker drives outta the grave! Strike that Jeebus bit. Jeebus could never be that cool. All hail, Lemmy!

Viva La Japan!

Any country that contributes to the output of Takashi Miike is aces with me. Now we get this latest blessing from the land of the rising sun...the Machine Girl. This might out-Miike Miike in terms of total bat shit insanity. Fucking someone up with tempura? Genius.

The Bro-mance is Over

Andy Pettitte is making strides to further distance himself from former boyfriend Roger Clemens. From New York Newsday
Andy Pettitte is said by friends to be upset with Roger Clemens because of Clemens' aggressive defense to the charges leveled against him in the Mitchell Report. Most of all, Pettitte didn't care for Clemens' public airing of his taped phone call with accuser Brian McNamee, which accomplished little. Among its many unexpected consequences, the Mitchell Report has magnified just how different Clemens and Pettitte are. And with the two men set to share a table at Capitol Hill's Rayburn Hall next month, it's as good a time as any to point out that this supposed mentor-protege's relationship has been overblown by the media - with this space as guilty as anyone else. "They were never as close as they were made out to be," a friend of both said on the condition of anonymity. "They just sort of went along with it in the media, because it was a good story."
Pettitte taking a hardline stance here makes me hate him just a little less (hey, he's still wearing pinstripes). Of course, this now confirms what we ALL new the whole time: the lefty from Deer Park was the bitch in the relationship. However, when a new HEB offer comes up he might stop being all hurt pussy about the whole Mitchell Report fiasco and smile for the cameras once again.

Lupe Fiasco has Restored My Faith in Hip-Hop

One of my buddies at work flipped out Lupe Fiasco's new album, the Cool, and after checking out the disc last night I understand why. I'm giving that motherfucker a hug tomorrow.
I generally listen to what most hip-hop heads would consider "backpack rap": shit you jam on your iPod that would never get spun in a club. Think Kool Keith to gain perspective on that assessment. And the reason for this particular musical proclivity is because rap music has become all about ego and I find that pathetic. I could give two shits less that you feel artistically impulsed to brag about how much money, women or cars you have. Chris Rock put it best (and I'm paraphrasing), you used to be able to intellectualize this genre. And then N.W.A. happened.
So when I first listened to the Cool, it was like a revelation. For all of the praise Kanye West gets he acts like a bitch a little too much since he doesn't get all the shine. I believe that undermines some of the messages he tries to convey through his music which is why I have heavy reservations whenever his new disc drops. Don't get to wowed with Kanye because as soon as MTV decides he ain't worth a VMA nod, he'll act like a little spoiled brat and cry about it. So the fuck what if you don't get the Vitamin Water endorsement 50 Cent got? You're doing more for hip-hop than that douche bag ever will. Lupe Fiasco is doing what Kanye West strains, and yet miserably fails, to accomplish: bringing back the credibility to a staid and weak genre. And yes, there are a couple bangers on the disc.
My favorite track is hands down "Dumb it Down." It's a well reasoned and never out right vicious critique of what friends and foes of hip-hop have come to expect and why he won't stoop to pacifying Lil Wayne fans or upper crust crackers who love rap music for encouraging lowered expectations. Saul Williams addresses this head on and ferociously, but while I dig both I think that Lupe will win out since he's utilizing more subtle methods that won't instantly turn off those he's trying to convert. Plus, the Cool doesn't sound like a Nine Inch Nails album.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Epic Fuck Ups: THE Hoff and Kitt Share the Stage

Maybe this could just cover the entire musical output of THE Hoff since it's all pretty atrocious. You don't know sadness unless you have listened to his cover of "Country Roads." But those crazy Germans eat his shit up. They had the motherfucker sing near the rubble as the Berlin Wall came down. So let's breakdown why this a larger failure than usual for THE Hoff.
Okay so why in the hell is he starting this off on his knees? Was he paying homage to Satan for granting him a lucrative career of pop bile? And what's up with the perfectly torn jeans? He should've, you know, worn those bad boys out until they got wrecked like the Ramones did.
And just when it seems like things can't get more hilariously tragic there comes...the kick. It looks like THE Hoff dislocated his hip or something and then he breaks into this epileptic fit of dancing. It's almost as if he didn't get the memo that Ian Curtis was the only one that could rock that shit and look cool.
Next, you can kinda see KITT in the corner (I'm not asking that you pinpoint every detail like the Zabruder film) before BAM he's in full focus. And his lights are running. If you remember Knight Rider you will know that means KITT is talking. But THE Hoff muted his mic and put on the parking break so KITT couldn't say, "I'm afraid I can't let you do this, Michael. This is completely weak shit, bro. It looks like I have to run you over 50 times as punishment for this crime against humanity...hey what the fuck? I can't move!" THE HOFF heard these silent cries and decided to get revenge on his buddy by bringing the party to his hood. Listen carefully and you can hear KITT howl, "You bastard, Michael! No! No! Don't come dance on me, Michael. Take the suck elsewhere."
What the fuck is wrong with German people?

Friday, January 18, 2008

Further Proof that Cowboys Fans are Assholes - FIXED!

UPDATE: I was told the vid wasn't working anymore and now it is fixed. Enjoy.
How can you argue that headline when I bring Hitler into the mix? And somebody please make a video of this involving Darth Steinbrenner and the Yankees. That would ALMOST make up for about 20 years of suffering. Go Red Sox!

Thursday, January 17, 2008


If some divine being strikes these motherfuckers down before this shit happens I will become a believer. Ugh. From According to the report, Johnny Rotten (John Lydon), Glen Matlock, Steve Jones, and Paul Cook hope to start recording their new material in the first half of this year. Drummer Paul Cook cautions, however: There's talk of new material. The only problem is that it's a bit hard to work on anything as John and Steve are in America and Glen and I are in the UK. So, it's a case of finding the time to get together. We might not pull together an album but hopefully there will be some new stuff in time for the summer. Am I the only who still considers Never Mind the Bollocks to be a classic yet still utterly despises Johnny Rotten more and more each day. Look, the record is killer but their whole "we didn't know how to play myth" is as foul as the entire back historty of N.W.A.. Just hearing that self-aggrandizing asshole say, "To me the Ramones were never punk" (let's not forget Mr. Rotten thought the Ramones were gonna fuck him up for sneaking into their first London show which kick started UK punk)or "If I'd grown up rich just think how more fabulous I would be now" (you didn't grow up poor either, asshole) makes my blood boil. This is how much I hate John Lydon: If I could give Steve Perry's throat cancer to him only to suffer an eternity of hearing "Don't Stop Believing" performed live at every Astros game, I'd sign off on that shit in a heartbeat. Whew! Let me compose myself. The bigger problem with the lucre lovin' Sex Pistols (well, not Lydon, he married rich and never has to worry about money for 50 million generations) is that they haven't realised the fucking stupidity of trying to modernize your legacy. It just ain't gonna work, pals. The last New York Dolls record was a travesty, the Stooges comeback was flat out awful, and dear sweet jebus the further we go down the rabbit hole the worse it gets. Look, if you wanna hold onto your rapidly dissolving fame and rightful place in music history just play 10 shows in California and the UK year for $1,000 a ticket so the people who haven't figured out how tired and weak your shtick is can say, "Johnny Rotten spit on me! Steve Jones nutted on my girlfriend! And they covered the Stooges but acted like it was their own song!" I'm gonna start drinking just in case news breaks that the Pogues have decided to hit the studio again.

One Man's Tribute to George Jones

Usually, I abstain from posting videos of drunken retards (which I, too, agree is a little odd) but this one gives me cause to tell one of my favorite country music stories ever.
Back in the late 60's George Jones got married to Tammy Wynette. He was a pretty epic alcoholic by that point but she tried to tough it out. Of course, one day she got so sick of George being shitfaced all the time that she hid the keys to all TEN of his cars so he couldn't go to the liquor store. George said fuck that and got on his riding lawnmower and drove the bastard 10 miles laughing his ass off just to get another bottle of hooch. If that ain't dedication to your vices, I don't know what is. It's good to know I'm not the only one who remembers treasured music history.

How Norbit Made me Understand the Duality of Man

This is no bullshit post, here, brothers and sisters. I had a revelation the other night. I got home from work, took a shot, and sat down with In Search of Captain Zero (a brilliant fucking gonzo-surfer cum drug smuggler book), but I just couldn't concentrate on the thing. You see, I still had shit running through my head that I couldn't purge thus making it possible to entirely focus on this batshit crazy memoir. I did what I usually do in those instances: turn on the TV. I've found over the years that if I consciously try to absorb two things at once the one more deserving of my interest will win out. This is the reason why I watch so much Celebreality while reading. I scanned the channels looking for something that would feed my lust for lame pop-culture excess, disgusting so rapidly that I could thrust myself back into the aforementioned literary triumph. But it was odd. There was no bullshit on the basic channels so I skipped on over to cable and BAM...there was Norbit. My salvation. I clicked on the channel, sparked a Camel Light and cracked the spine of my book. But then Thandie Newton appeared on screen. I kinda have a thing for the chick even though she has done fuck all with her career aside from Gridlock'd (a very underrated junkie movie and overall fuck you to the public health system). Yet, I find myself drawn to her presence. It's as inexplicable as much as my willingness to defend the back end of Liz Phair's catalog. I attempt to dig back into the tome but my viddies keep creeping onto the screen so often I end up just saying fuck it and end up watching (cumulatively) 15 minutes of an absolute disgrace to mankind. At some point, Thandie appeared in a bikini at a swim park and I was transfixed to the television...while she was sitting next to Eddie Murphy decked out like Madea had eaten 20 Star Jones' and in a snug two piece. And that's when it hit me. My personal and collective unconsciousness' said "Bang! It's war!" I called up brother and told him I'd figured out the "Jung-ian thing" as Private Joker calls it. I was at once sporting a semi while simultaneously wanting to vomit my guts out until nothing was left but bile. To be at once entranced and sickened is a truly awesome feeling but in the end all I learned was that I should just read in my study with Pet Sounds on in the background. Still, I am progressing.

Son. Of. A. Bitch.

SCOTTSDALE, Ariz. -- Bud Selig was given a three-year extension as baseball commissioner through the 2012 season. Retirement will have to wait now that 73-year-old Bud Selig has committed to another three years as baseball's commissioner. The unanimous decision made at Thursday's owners' meeting came two days after Selig and union head Donald Fehr testified before a congressional committee that both criticized baseball for its steroids problem and praised the sport for strides made during the past three years. Copyright 2008 by The Associated Press
Well. I used to be a fan of baseball...
I don't get this. I mean I understand how a convoluted, drug riddled, owner driven, money hungry sport just re-upped one of their own to keep whats left of the POS jalopy chuggin' on down the road...
Seriously, Fehr and Selig both need to go. You two ushered in the 'roid era. You two allowed it to proliferate. You two played dumb to its existence when called to task. You negotiated between the two of you as to how much of a slap on the wrist it would be for the players who were caught cheating. (Admit it- that's what it was. There was no three strike policy. Try ten. They just recently reigned you guys into something reasonable- and it is still to lax.)
It is all about the money. 1.6 to 6 billion? Nice increase. I guess all the juicing puts asses in the seats. Chicks dig the long ball y'know.
Man. I was looking forward to the fall. Well keep up the mediocre to below average job of policing your sport, Bud.
Hell- as long as those bandwagon soccer mom fans that show up in the 3rd and leave in the 6th keep shilling out the $$$ to see homers- it's all good huh, Bud?
You are doing to baseball what ESPN has done to sports and MTV did to music.
Single-handedly ruining it.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Nick Cave Shall Continue to Rock Yo Vajay-jay's

We've still gotta wait about 2 months (or at least until the motherfucker gets leaked online) but that didn't stop MUTE from posting the title track via video for the Bad Seeds new disc, Dig! Lazarus! Dig! It's sure to be epic.
By the way, I'm really not sure what made Nick the Stripper decide to grow a "motherfucker" (I'm talking about his nefarious looking porn-stache) but, kudos. And it distracts from his receding hairline but we all know that even if Nick Cave looked like this guy he'd still fucking rule.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Oh, one more thing, America. Please show love to Jesse Malin

Ryan Adams is a multi-platinum superstar and he's best friends with the excellent Jesse Malin. I don't understand what more you people need to hear. DGeneration was a great throwback to the glam-punk days and now's he's writing awesome songs that get the Boss to guest on his records. What more do you fucking people need? Just check the vidz and go buy all the old DGen records and the three discs Malin has put out solo so far. You're welcome in advance.

Make up for missing it the first time America

If you were one of the pathetic few who sat and watched the CNN style news broadcast of the Golden Globe Awards (hey I check in to see what it was like. Fuck you. I had time to kill before the Wire started) then you probably scratched your head when your heard Ricky Gervais' show Extras won an award. And for the more pop-culturally challenged of you, you just scratched your head and said, "Who the fuck is that fat Limey on the screen?" Shame on you all. If you worship the American version of the Office, I implore you to check out the original which was created by Gervais and way more evil, cynical and whole lot less happy go lucky than its counterpart across the pond. The brilliant bastard topped himself when he unleashed Extras on HBO a year or two ago and show just recently aired its finale (come see me at work and you can buy the whole collection!). It's about a couple of film extras trying to break into show biz, which certainly provides enough (often un)intentional comedy but it's the cameos that made the show something truly special. Stars from the UK and USA lined to up shatter their carefully crafted public images just for the sake of some brutal laughs. Whether it be Clive Owen (who is still the man no matter how awful his treatment of a certain female extra is) or my personal favorite: Daniel Radcliffe aka Harry Potter. Dig it.

Monday, January 14, 2008

A True Classic: The Best of Mike Tyson

Every so often me and Black Nathan will get sloshed and start getting into discussions over Mike Tyson. Most people stare on and wonder whether or not we're sane. The bulk of our conversations consists of quotes from this true poet.

mAss Effect. Now With More Sodomy...

If you thought the last conservative reaction to Mass Effect's incredibly tame sex scene was hilarious, then prepare to have your sides literally burst at the seams with Kevin McCullough, a blogger who has accused Mass Effect of allowing teenage boys to practice sodomy in the game. While I didn't want to focus on people like this again for a while, I had to share the latest insanity with you, it's too good to pass up:
It’s called “Mass Effect” and it allows its players … to engage in the most realistic sex acts ever conceived. One can custom design the shape, form, bodies, race, hair style, breast size of the images they wish to “engage” and then watch in crystal clear, LCD, 54 inch screen, HD clarity as the video game “persons” hump in every form, format, multiple, gender-oriented possibility they can think of …
… And because of the digital chip age in which we live - “Mass Effect” can be customized to sodomize whatever, whoever, however, the game player wishes.
I would pay $100 for the version of Mass Effect he played. $200. Come on BioWare, cough it up. Of course the version of the game McCullough played doesn't exist, mainly because he obviously didn't touch the game. I am assuming he saw the article on Cybercast, seeing as in terms of video game blogs Mass Effect isn't exactly in the spotlight at the moment, and pounced on it in order to prove how important the issue of game censorship should be to the current crop of presidential hopefuls.
That the man rants for two pages about a game that he didn't even bother to read up on is completely amazing to me. What's more amazing is that this asshat has his own book out, and it isn't called "Rambling On About Shit I Know Nothing About." I'm thinking that was the original title and his publisher thought it was too edgy. Yes, I am being a bit harsh, but come on.
Um? "Digital chip" age? "Hump in every form?" Were we playing the same Mass Effect? Because I don't remember it being the videogame equivalent of a Russ Meyer movie. I wish it was, I might have actually enjoyed it. If "the most realistic sex acts ever conceived," involve five seconds of fumbling with a blue alien, then on what planet have I actually been living for the past thirty years?
Are people really like this in the year 2008? Back when the Earth was thought to be flat, one could imagine multitudes of ignorant, uneducated paupers being frightened of sex, technology and their own shadow, but the fact that people still feel like this is somewhat worrying. You think the human race has evolved, and it can't even handle sex in a videogame without displaying its immaturity. Still, this man gets points for being absolutely hilarious. Sodomy indeed. Of the cerebral cortex.
I can't go on. Seriously. Go read the article and see for yourself. Complete and utter propagandizing bullshit. The sad thing? You just know someone reading it is going to buy it hook, line, and sinker. Sadness.
And as usual... and props to (great site btw...) for calling this douchebag out for the attention grabbing shill of a "reporter" that he is.
Here is a Russ Meyer gem for your viewing pleasure (or displeasure, perhaps.) As a point of reference, I give you: Mondo Topless!!!

Yes, We Were All Rooting for THIS Guy

My dad thinks Eli Manning always looks confused. I think he looks like someone who never wanted to play football. Y'know, he was probably super into the Fame TV series and Staying Alive when he was a kid and all he wanted to be was a dancer. Or maybe run a sheep farm. But his dad made forced him into football just in case Peyton went out in his senior season ala Varsity Blues. You remember that part, right? When the starter takes a wicked (and legal) hit and then the camera dramatically zooms into the face of the kids redneck father as his lower lip trembles and he says, "Oh God, don't you dare do this to me." That shit was funny.
But anyways, I now have something to look forward to every football season: the inevitable Tony Romo implosion (damn, that's a pretty cool band name). Eli, check your phone, I think Jessica might be calling soon.'s Mmmy Quarterback...

I used to be a 'boys fan. Emphasis on used to be. Thanks T.O. Maybe you should shed a few tears from the passes you dropped. Thank god for Bret Favre.
Way to put all the attention on you. Too bad the Golden Globes are done. Of course, I don't think they have a category called "Douche Chill Inducing Whiner"... Look at that bottom lip. Hey Kanye called- he wants his glasses back!

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Still Underated

Since Jay wants to bring up saul williams I thought I would bring one of the great indie movies of the 90's. Slam directed by Mark Levin and starring said Willams is a fucking great movie. If you didn't see it in film or english class go rent it. Williams is awesome he brings a reality to the underappeciated art form. Though the show stopper of the fil is Beau Sia who just owns the scene he is in. Unless you watched Def Poetry Jam you probaly don't know about him. He has the best book making fun of Jewel you will ever read. A great film and fuck Mark Levin for Whiteboyz

Why your Movie Collection Sucks

Now I know that you have a wide variety of classic and new films adorning your wall in your loft apartment, but you stil don't have the necessary opus to impress the likes of this movie buff. Look around, you probally have a huge selection of a single genre of movies. Maybe action is your thing, well how many times can you watch Cammando before you start to lust after Alyssa Milano. She is like 10 in that movie you peterass. What about romantic comedies, now I know that your girlfriend (or ex depending on the day) left them at your palce but who really needs to own Bed Of Roses. Just maybe you can explain Out of Africa to me with the whole Sydney Pollack directed it and he was in Eyes Wide Shut. But chances are you left your dignity at the cheap bin in Wal-Mart. Oh the scifi freaks have fun buying the new Blade Runner to us as we berate at the next kegger. "We get 10 extra minutes and it was only 10 more dollars than the one I already own." Worth every penny. The avant garde in us all loves the Kurosawa but only the box set. Oh I see Ran over there good job he did win an Oscar for that one. Understand I don't want tell you stop buying that genre but expand on it. Take comedy if you love it and just bought Superbad why not give The Jerk a try too. Probally just a few dollars more.... get it. For a while now everyone wanted to tell you this but come on give it a try. We all know you loved The Boondock Saints but that was like 9 years ago, and I was the guy who told you to watch it the first palce. Let it go the stuff you like will probaly be remade five times exactly the way it was the first time. If hippies care what you out in your body through your mouth we care what you put in your eyes and ears. so make a good day and go watch Juno or There will be Blood. Oh and add Throne of Blood and Junebug to Netflix

Friday, January 11, 2008

This is for you, 8Bit

My brother in law is currently pulling mad hours on the late shift. This is for him. And yes I do really dig the tune.

Yes, I Still Want to Fuck Kim Deal

I'm not ashamed at all. In fact she is one of the coolest indie iconoclasts I've ever met. Her sis, (the one withtout talent that is lucky the Breeders happened) well that's a whole other story.
I hold the Pixies up as high as I do the Ramones: whenever I hear 'em, I KNOW everything will be alright. Plus, the 2004 playoffs where I saw Jeff Kent bring the Astros close to the World Series and then saw Frank Black and Kim Deal slay Houston while being fed continuous shots of whiskey so I didn't murder the Killers. That ruled and I fucking despise the fat fucks in the Pixies for havin what I dont; a chin.

Epic Fuck Ups: The Darkness

Apparently the only people across the pond who didn't get the memo about Apocalypse Dudes were the Darkness. Yeah, I was gonna write more but then realized that a shit-talking tune in falsetto doesn't deserve the words. Why Ginger from the Wildhearts is friends with these douchebags, I'll never understand.

Movie News...

Aside from: Go. See. Juno. Now.
Here is a trailer for Teeth. Hmmm.... A cute chick who already has trouble bedding fellows comes to find she has teeth in her vag.
That sucks!
I hope she does too for their sake. Huzza!

Thursday, January 10, 2008

It Might Just Be a Good Year in Music

Aside from my 2008 forecast, word just broke that Danger Mouse (Gnarls Barkley, Gorillaz, the Good, the Bad and the Queen) will be producing the new Black Keys album. Well, this has just skipped the queue to number 2 on my most anticipated list. And for future reference, nothing will knock Speedo out of the top slot. Here's why:

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

A True Classic

A few years ago, while I was still working for Star Pizza, my buddy Mikey and myself decided to head down to the Aurora Picture Show between shifts for a "Heavy Metal Short Film" collection. There were some true gems in there whose titles I can no longer remember but aside from screening the awe-inspiring Heavy Metal Parking Lot we were treated to this, simply known as Metallica Drummer with the only tag line in the program being, "He's talented! He's obsessed! He's Canadian." That's pretty much all you need to know. Enjoy. Heavy metal drummer

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All I Can Say is...Wow.

Jugend Humpday is Back!

Well, tonight at least because we have a band playing. They'e called Moral Decline and from America's wang, Florida. A band with a name like that seems pretty perfect for a Jugend Night what with all the Jager (only 3 bux!) shots, cursing, yelling and rampant homo-eroticism. Oh and I'm DJing the shindig as usual. Expect to hear some good tunes.
It all kicks off around 10 and I have no fucking clue when the band goes on so just show up early to get sloshed by the time they hit the stage. Sport yer denim.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

The Saint Semen Apprecation Post

I've been trying to get my brother to write for Please Kill Yourself since I started it back in 2004. He was down but never got around to doing anything. I forgive him because he does way more important shit for a living than I do.
And since I've been getting back in the groove of writing lately I decided to give mon frere a call and let him know about his forthcoming appreciation post. This is how it went down for the most part:
SS: Hey Debauchery!
JD: Hey, bro. So, I've decided to do a Saint Semen Appreciation Post on the blog and wanted some direction on it.
SS: Bro, that is awesome.
JD: Yeah, I was thinking about posting Limp Wrist's video for "The Oath" cause that song always makes me think about you. But, I wanted to know if you had a preference.
SS: I like Limp Wrist even though they scream too much but I dunno...
and from there the conversation turned towards my brother partying in L.A. and telling me they were gonna have a Jay Debauchery Appreciation dinner. I still feel like I'm doing the greater good.
If you are ever fortunate enough to meet my brother you will find one of the most smart, charming and incredibly dynamic human beings to ever grace this befouled planet. So, here I am, trying to figure out what perfectly demonstrates one of the people I love the most in the world and this is what I came up with...I just hope he isn't disappointed.

Memorial High School: The Music Video

Yeah, I spent four years in that place either starting fights with older kids cause they talked shit about my sis, getting called a fag cause I liked punk rock or getting kicked out of class by embarassing the teachers that catered to the snobby "my shit don't stink, I'll tell my daddy" crowd that I despise. I am still very proud that I made some of those cunts cry. I suspect this video was shot by Koby Clemens while the Roidcket was outta town getting stuck in the ass. Whether by needle, or Pettitte I have no idea.

Mr. Reznor, Let Me Call You a WHAAmbulance

Radiohead weren't the only people to take a stab at the "donate what you will" download deal. Trent Reznor has spent the last couple of years blasting the music industry and openly encouraging his fans to illegally download Nine Inch Nails tunes to fuck his label over. I always liked the guy and when he decided to collaborate with the awesome Saul Williams, I was stoked. Then Reznor added that the duo would drop the album ala In Rainbows. Now, The Inevitable Rise and Liberation of NiggyTardust! is available with one version free to download and another of higher audio quality available for just 5 bucks (both versions include the album art and other accoutrement's).
Well apparently only 1 in 5 listeners felt that the album was worth the purchase price and Trent seems to be all hurt pussy over it saying, "I'm not sure what I was expecting but that percentage - primarily from fans - seems disheartening."
Whoa, whoa, whoa, there. I'm a Saul Williams fan and downloaded both versions available (paid for the high quality) and don't see too big of a difference between the two. And furthermore, I think that it was you, Mr. Reznor, who is to blame. Your production on this album was pretty weak. In the end it didn't sound like Saul Williams but a Nine Inch Nails album with some Williams' vocals (that seem eerily similar to Trent's own). And the album overall isn't that great compared to the artists previous work. His cover of "Sunday, Bloody, Sunday" is excellent, "Raised to Be Lowered" is just ferocious (and I get chills every time I hear the line, "To throw away the pen and pad/ and simply be the poem") and "Tr(n)igger" is one of the best hip-hop songs I've heard in a decade but overall it is the production that cripples it.
Mr. NIN does happen to see the good in this experiment noting, "But... Saul's music in in more people's iPods than ever before and people are interested in him." BOOM! That's what you should be giddy over: your ability to cheaply expose a brilliant artist while allowing him to profit more from his albums than ever before. So quit your crying. Oh and, did you stop to think for a second that most of the people who downloaded the disc just didn't dig it and therefore were not compelled to drop 5 dollars on the product? Isn't that what the digital age has allowed us web savvy music fans to do? Check out a record without paying for it and then deciding whether or not it's worth our money. You did a really good thing here, Mr. Reznor and it will have a ripple effect even if you don't see all the returns immediately. The message here is that tactics like this are effective in destroying the current music industry model. But, they need to be tweaked to figure out their full efficacy. Let's all just be patient.

You Want it 8Bit, You Got It

If you don't want to read the entire rant (and I'm sure some of you will. Hi Julie!) here is the bottom line:
Roger Clemens is an absolute piece of shit and I hope he spends an eternity getting DBDA'd (if you can't figure out why "B" has replaced "V" then...) by Hitler, Malcolm McClaren, Ike Turner and Ty Cobb.
You see, O.J. didn't even stoop as low as the Roidcket did Monday with that fucking evil, exploitative and vicious phone call. Man, that really says something about the character of the motherfucker trying to champion morality and ethics, but above all, the truth. But what Chris Rock said about the Juice applies equally to Clemens, "I'm not saying he should've killed 'em...but I understand."
If I was in number 22's shoes I'd be going down swinging, too. But I also wouldn't act like a total shitbird to someone who was desperately trying to make right with me. That's what I heard in McNamee's 18 minute (fuckin' A right I listened to the whole thing) phone call with his fake friend on the other end. It was infuriating. Sure, McNamee didn't seem like he was squeaky clean when he kept asking, "What do you want me to do?" but then again this is a guy who has a checkered past with the law. That doesn't make him a saint but it certainly doesn't make him seem like a bullshit liar spinning stories for the Feds. Follow the paper trail and you'll see that McNamee was more than helpful in alerting Roger's camp to the coming storm. For Clemens to throw someone who is obviously eroding on the inside after doing the right thing which was the wrong thing (for #22) to someone he really cares about and admires is worse than kicking puppies.
I think we've all had those brutal, over-emotional and heartfelt conversations in the past when we were grasping at straws to save a friendship. Think back to your own and imagine if the person on the other line were to be coached along by their dickpig lawyers, speak with total insincerity while feigning concern, and then unleashed it on the world in a pathetic and desperate attempt to display you as the King of All Fuck-Ups. It's just disgusting.
Maybe the silver lining in this whole shabang is that even the doubters are now finally able to see Roger Clemens as he always has been: a self-serving mercenary. A sycophantic asshole. A bully who will use whatever tools, be they financial or physical or chemical, to bury an opponent. And doesn't that just sum up America?
You want an inch of respect, Rocket? You were given 10 feet but chose to sit on your ass while having your legal team carefully orchestrate this whole fiasco that has now blown up in your fucking face. The more you try to scrub off the stain on your forever tarnished image the more we see that you are only trying to kid yourself. Did anybody else hear Dan Patrick on Monday talk about how Clemens' attorney's administered their own lie-detector test that he bombed? It's all going to come out and if you had just done the honorable thing like your boyfriend Pettitte did (I don't believe he only used HGH twice, however) none of this would be happening. Even the Steinbrenner's want nothing more to do with you, bro.
That chopped to shit interview on 60 Minutes where you said, "Guilty before proven innocent?" Man, you should've stepped back for a second and realised that this country eagerly desires honesty and is willing to forgive its politicians, celebrities, and athletes when they own up and admit they fucked up. Marion Jones isn't getting the same grief as you now is she? And it's because she told the truth.
That's all you had to do, Roger, but your ego got in the way. Fuck you. J

The Calm Before the Storm?

Since I am no longer giving the Clemens ordeal any of my already limited brain capacity to devote to blogging, debating, or even just the mere thought of... I figured that Jay would of already laid in to "The Roidket" (as he calls him,) by now.
Nothing yet? Hmmmm. Well hold on to your hats because I am sure it is coming. I guess the dude is thwarting off manga-teens and pointing people in the direction of Josh Groban's new album. Or he is like me and just woke up from the coma inducing bowl season we just wrapped up. Boy, what a let down those were...
Should of been LSU and Georgia. It should really be a playoff. But you have a better chance of seeing the former before the latter, and that is still a snowball's chance.
Ok. Well- everyone have a good what's left of the week. Keep checking back for JD's impending tirade and I'll be back later on this weekend with a gaming gem. A LTTP Bioshock review...
You kids be good now.

Monday, January 7, 2008

Next showing today at 4 at the GRB. Come on down...

Well... Sunday came and went. As I was sitting there at the bar at Dennis' watching the Clemens interview with my wife and in-laws I found that what I stated weeks ago had occurred.
I don't care.
Did he do it? Is he lying? My mother-in-law seems to be in her neighbor Roger's corner. But, she also thinks that T-Mac and Yao are a formidable duo in the NBA... so she is suspect. I did not get my father-in-law's take, but he bleeds pinstripes. My wife could, much like myself, give two shits. But she did not care from the onset. I personally think that if he went so far as to file a defamation lawsuit and is willing to testify in front of Congress under oath gives him more ground than his trainer right now.
He did come off as a whiny lil' bitch in the interview though. 25 years and we don't give you benefit of the doubt? Boo hoo Roger. Why don't you wipe your tears on one of the millions of dollars you have made in your career throwing a ball at a high velocity? That is all you do sir. Oh yeah- Rog, way to kinda sorta maybe retire again for the fourth time. You are aware that there is not a Cooperstown record for THAT right?
You don't cure anything. You don't fight anything. You don't put your life on the line for anything or anyone. You serve us, the general public, to entertain us by throwing a ball and participating in a GAME. That is it. Nothing more- nothing less. The only difference between you and Charlie Sheen is the fact that he is actually entertaining to watch. If you cheated you cheated. So be it. I don't care.
This scandal, along with the sheer brilliance of your boy Bud at the helm, has done nothing but tarnish baseball further (not that it needed any help getting out of that strike laden hole it had been attempting to get out of or anything...) and confirm the national pastime as FOOTBALL. 'Roids help bring the game back with the homerun chase. Now they are about to ruin the sport for what could be years to come.
Roger, good luck in your fight to clear your name. I wish you the best. But I blame you and everyone else under suspicion for ruining the game I grew up loving and wanting to participate in on your level. Why? Because everyone rode the cronnieism bus to Bigstown by turning a blind eye to the matter (George W. and Bud- I'm looking at you...) and allowing it to fester into the shitstorm of a hurricane that has now manifested in the Gulf in the way of the Mitchell Report. If you guys had nipped this in the bud (no pun intended,) back when this first reared it's ugly head- you might not be in position you are in now. But it is to late for it now. Now- everyone and their mother is getting thrown under that bus that you were all so happily riding all through the nineties...
Sucks don't it?
Well- at least your ongoing drama will be more entertaining than the Astros' season. Come on Dynamo! Do you think that perhaps your PR work with the 'stros could include beating the shit out of McClain? The words youth, farm, and talent don't exist in that codger's vocabulary. The city would thank you kindly. Juiced up or not. I don't really think we'd care at this point either.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Waiting for Sunday

Sunday is going to a be a pretty interesting day for Roger Clemens' legal staff. They'll be scouring every utterance in the upcoming 60 Minutes interview to see if something other than a needle filled with Decadurabolin can come back to bite him in the ass. As I wrote before here a few days ago (which now seems to be surfacing on the major sports sites today. Wierd. It's not like I didn't just rip that shit from an MLB sponsored website.), McNamee is going to take legal action against the Roidcket if he spouts the same bullshit he's been spouting since the Mitchell Report broke. But wait, the journalistic savior known as Mike Wallace will surely ask the hard hitting questions and won't hesitate to make Roger squirm. Right? Well, Gene Wojciechowski of doesn't think it's gonna turn out that way. Or at least he has an inkling Wallace will not cave to his bro-mantic feelings for Clemens. And I completely agree. Wojo thinks it might end up a little like this (oh and props to a sports writer not named Bill Simmons for dropping ridiculous pop-culture references in the middle of a rant. More of you fuckers need to start doing that): Wallace: "Remember that time in 1998, when you were pitching for the Toronto Blue Jays, and you started 6-6, and then all of a sudden you finished 14-0 for the rest of the season, and your ERA dropped from 3.27 to 2.29, and that guy McNamee was your trainer?" Clemens: "Yeah. So what?" Wallace: "That was awwwwwwsome." Mike Wallace is pretty much the brother from another mother to Suzyn Waldman. Anyone who spends that much time in Darth Steinbrenner's luxury suite in the Bronx should really not be the one to interview someone with the same bonerific affection for the Evil Empire (remember kids, the Roidcket won't show up for his now iffy Cooperstown induction if he ain't got a Yanks hat on the plaque). Apparently, when Clemens and his attorney's were trying to figure out who could suck his dick, stroke his ego and never think to question his bullshit defense (B-12 and a painkiller) they WERE going to go with Waldman. Of course, they realised that something like this might happen and that would only exacerbate the absurdness that is to appear onscreen.

Top 10 Albums of 2007...

Here are mine and how they presently pan out. I don't claim to be a music aficionado. I'm the game / tech nerd guy around here. I love music, but I'm not the uberfan of the unheard of, unknown greatness like Jay. These are in no particular order. Here you go:
1. Sex, Love, and Rock and Roll- Social Distortion. They are my favorite of all time next to Zeppelin and Marley (if that is not the musical trifecta of a drunken stoner...) I am glad to see them back in the studio with what is perhaps their best album since Somewhere Between Heaven and Hell. Not as good as their Self Titled ("Ball and Chain,""Ring of Fire," "Story of My Life"...) but damn close. Now if Mike and the gang would just tour outside of SoCal. Choice Cut: "Don't Take Me For Granted".
2. Whiskey on a Sunday- Flogging Molly. I know there is Live Behind the Green Door, but this is WAY better. Dave King may look like Timothy Bussfield, but he is as Dubblin as they come- and has no problem getting sloshed to rock. For anyone new to the wonderment that is Flogging Molly, or anyone who just LOVES them (like me,) this CD/DVD combo is a great look into the pub-filling popularity they began with that has evolved into the arena packing events that are FM shows. There is a good chance that your's truly will be getting tatted up with the boys when they come through town in March. Stop reading this right now and go to Cactus (they are back- so support 'em,) and buy this. Now! Choice Cut: "Black Friday Rule"
3. Radiohead- In Rainbows. Unless you have been living under a rock somewhere, then you might of heard that Thom and the boys are back. This album does not get a vote of confidence from the crowd that left in mass exodus after OK Computer. Why? Because this album takes the experimental interludes and unknown songs from the afore mentioned tours (Kid A and a massive North American hiatus included,) and melds them into the synthetic synthesized goodness that is In Rainbows. No it is not a return to Pablo Honey. No it does not sound like The Bends. Nothing that they have done recently, or anything they will do will ever sound like that again. Yorke and Greenwood have clearly stated this. Sorry. Choice Cut: "All I Need"
4. Systematic Chaos- Dream Theater. It is at this point where JD and I finish our pints, exit, shake hands outside the Pub called Musical Tastes, and head our separate ways. I am a fan of prog. rock/ metal. I am a former metal head. Metal begot punk, so there is a link in that regard (the Enlightenment occurred my freshman year in high school.) These fellas have opened for Maiden and have had Metallica (back when Metallica was still relevant) open for them. They have the chops and have paid their dues. As a former drummer, I put Mike Portnoy up there as one of the best drummers of all time. He's no Bonham, Moon, or Peart, but he is DAMN good. I guess with American Idiot, Green Day opened the floodgates on the anti-current administration concept albums, and now everyone has to follow suit. This is their's. This is not a fault of the album and, unless you research the lyrics, ostensibly you can't tell this from just listening to the music. Eighteen albums in a twenty-two year career. Chalk up another solid release for the boys from Boston. Choice Cut: "The Dark Eternal Night"
5. Graduation- Kanye West. Though he’s lyrically as petulant and immodest as ever, Kanye West held out until Graduation to pull out the stops on his production powers. These aren’t just unique rhyming twists or spot-on guest appearances, it’s West shining as a composer. As grand as Graduation is, though, speculation as to what he may do next almost overshadows all the new worlds he explores here. Almost, but not exactly. Choice Cut: "Flashing Lights." The "Harder Better Faster Stronger" Daft Punk samplefest is brilliant as well.
6. Random Spirit Lover- Sunset Rubdown. Spencer Krug is the greatest living songwriter—or at least the songwriter whose songs are the most alive. And with Sunset Rubdown, as with Wolf Parade and any of the other 34 bands he’s currently in, he’s making music that strikes a chord so deep within you that it first weakens your knees, then brings you to them. But what of the other dozen or so albums he releases every year? It’s true that his output rivals that of a Toyota plant. Even when he misses—which is rare—the results are spectacular. And every song here hits its mark. Choice Cut: "The Courtesan Has Sung"
7. Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga- Spoon. If Spoon is a band that simply has great taste, their selection of aesthetics -- both in terms of production and performance -- are reflections of that taste. This is a great record because the band making it is selective enough to allow only choice sounds to float to the surface. To wit, I remember being in my wife's truck when "I Turn My Camera On" came on the radio, (90.1 FTW!!!) The crackly noise at the end was clarified shortly afterwards during a short interview with Britt Daniels: "I don't know, it's just something I came up with on my computer. That part felt like it needed something." That little insight doesn't change or invalidate that he felt that the song needed something, and it did, and he put something in, and it sounds awesome. Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga has about three thousand of these moments, waiting to have a drop cloth torn down to reveal that they're exactly what you suspected they were all along. As a band, Spoon is absolutely fascinating and engrossing. They have a sound that grabs you and does not let go until the last track is over. Then and only then, do you hit play again. Especially in this case. Austin's music scene is wrecked with wannabes and cover bands that think they are the second coming of these cats. Stop trying please. I have had enough of that. I cannot get enough of this album though. Choice Cut: "Don't You Evah"
8. Cease to Begin- Band of Horses. BoH proves in their follow up to Everything All the Time (EATT) moving cross country and losing founding member Mat Brooke... all is not lost. The bottom vid is for "The Funeral" which is found on EATT. I actually discovered these guys earlier this year by playing a video game. They are on the soundtrack of the equally impressive EA release, skate.. I entered the Regs skate shop in the game and heard "The Funeral" for the fist time. That's all it took. The melodic voices and soft muted tones of the melodies are a stark contrast to the garage-y / backwoods look of the boys. They are a band full of playoff beards. Then you hear the rest of their arsenal. Solid guitar driven succulent harmonies abound. I must not be alone. They are featured in a car commercial now. Hell- it worked for JD's gal Feist. The top vid is for "Ode to LRC" from Cease to Begin. Damn catchy tune too. Additional kudos, they have a damn fine website as well. Props to their webmaster. Choice Cut: Previously stated from EATT: "The Funeral." Cease to Begin: "Ode to LRC"
9. †- Justice. (Had to copy and paste that one. You try to find the "†" key!) The album is otherwise known as Cross to the uninitiated. As someone who inherently, due to predisposed DNA configurations within my genetic code, hates any and all things French- I excuse this duo. Any band that makes a song about the King of Pop and dedicates it to the lusus naturae that is Michael Jackson is a winner in my book. D.A.N.C.E. (the tribute,) is a highpoint in this rather franticly inconsistent fuzz and fluster fit of an album. Niche? Yes. Good? Yes. Epileptic seizures inducing? Yeah, just take your meds before ingesting this wonder. Choice Cut: Stress. You sample Devo, you win.
10. The Soundtrack to Rock Band. Is this a cop out? WTF?!?! No- I can think of plenty albums to put here(Icky Thump, Neon Bible, Children Running Through, 8 Diagrams, Float, Back to Black...) but being that I am the uberfan of the gaming realm for this site, I had to give props to my pick for Game Of The Year. It just so happens it is the best music/ rhythm game ever made that touts a solid soundtrack. With even more songs coming weekly for download via Xbox Live. So, I find that it can squeak in here. With offerings from every decade possible, the game has managed to really bring together mainly original songs (with some covers,) that make for the best soundtrack to a game that I have seen since GTA Vice City. From the blistering solos in "Green Grass and High Tides" by the Outlaws, to the spot on drumming required for "Blackend" by Metallica, the game puts you on stage and to the test. This experience is only multiplied infinitely when you are with your friends. At $179.00, it is definitely the must expensive offering on my list. But, as I have stated previously- it is worth every penny. All 17,900 of them. Choice Cut: It was "Gimme Shelter" until last night. Then I played "N.I.B." Rock on!
That's it. Now let the illegal file sharing commence!

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

John Cusack = Kevin Spacey??? Not Quite...

I really like John Cusack as an actor, freaky no talent sis and all. If there was ever going to be a movie made about my oh so average doldrum life I'd want John to play me. I loved Say Anything just like everyone else at the time. I loved Being John Malkovich, Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil (my wife's favorite movie,) Grosse Pointe Blank, High Fidelity, The Grifters, True Colors, Stand by Me, One Crazy Summer, The Thin Red Line, the best film he ever did- Better Off Dead ("I want my two dollars!",) Sixteen Candles... I could go on and on. He did have that WTF stint in '01 with Serendipity and America's Sweethearts though, among some other polished turds in his career. But I still admire him though.
The girl in the video conducting the interview, like most film students (I should know- I was one,) is a pretentious all-knowing (in her own mind,) twat. Only problem is she has somehow confused John Cusack for Kevin Spacey. How on God's green earth you manage to do this is beyond me. Maybe after two bottles of Meridia, some Lipitor and a four pack of Red Bulls and a shot of Jager...but, really? Really?
And mad props to him. You can tell he is a little pissed with the body language and tone...but golf clap sir. That dingy twit was wasting your time and you held it together. He could of been an absolute jerk, but he kept his cool. I think a Crowe-esque phone bashing of her cranium would of spiked the hits of this on YouTube to epic proportions and been absolutely merited. But the show of restraint is nice.
I have been in that broad's shoes for junkets. You get like 30 seconds to ask the same damn questions that they just got done answering from the last schlep that asked them, and they don't want to be there as much as you do. This is not the time for you to flaunt your clearly ignorant and vastly unknowing catalog of a said actors movie career. I'd think he'd know if he'd been in a movie or not. Pretty good source if you ask me. Why don't you ask him how is was to work with Spielberg as a kid on ET? Or how he felt dancing in Footloose would typecast him for the rest of his career? No. I got it! Ask him how it felt to play Johnny Cash, and if that was really him singing! You are FILM STUDENT! Kudos Cusack. Although I think you should of throttled the broad. Not to knock Spacey (Usual Suspects is celluloid gold,) but come on chick... know your stuff before you sit down.
This is not Ms. South Carolina caliber, but it is pretty good.
Enjoy kids...
Oh...and so you all don't think that my current man crush is in fact John (it's not, that title is being held steady by Jason Lee, as it has been for YEARS...) Spacey can out act Cusack any day, anywhere, any time. I'd taken what happened as a compliment.

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Jay Debauchery's Top 10 Albums of 2007

10. The Pipettes - We Are the Pipettes
Sure, I heard this about two years ago and have been preaching its brilliance ever since. However, it was unleashed on an undeserving (and ultimately uncaring) American public in 07, so I will further pimp it here. The Pipettes debut LP may be far from perfect (it's the production that kills it. Synth strings just suck) but the gals golden voices more than make up for the neo-tech fuck ups.
9. Feist - The Reminder
Despite it's proliferation on iTunes commercials this is an exquisitely crafted pop album with raw tunes that don't need any fluff to the make it nice and comfy.
8. Career Suicide - S/T
Holy shit, a hardcore album that is acutally true to the roots of the genre instead of just giving them lip service in pseudo-rap hyperbole! There is no talk about crews, being hard, or policing your scene on this record. And every motherfucking hardcore band on this Earth needs to etch that psalm into their fresh tattoos like it came from the Bible written by HR.
7. P.J. Harvey - White Chalk
So, apparently she took a year off songwriting to teach herself how to play piano. I don't buy it. I think she started fucking Nick Cave again and from his ensuing spunk being laid all up in her snizz this album happened. It's awesome and I thank you, Mr. Cave.
6. The Woggles - Rock 'N' Roll Backlash
When I'm 100 I hope to be in a band as cool as this. Oh, and if you freaked out over the new Hives disc and didn't check out this album, fuck you.
5. Henry Fiat's Open Sore - Mondo Blotto
FINALLY, they're back! But with a way more polished sound. Eh, I don't dig it as much as the earlier shit but the songs are what counts. And they do deliver. If the Dwarves had a sense of humor instead of just kiddie porn lusts they would be HFOS. 4. Goodnight Loving - Crooked Lake
Picking up where Rhet Miller left off (in a douchey, pretentious pursuit of Hanna Montana like pop-stardom) the best band I saw at SXSW last year keeps their game strong. Great folky cow-punk rolled in pop traditions. Wilco might be a critic fav because of "Yes, I am trying to break your heart" but people who actually listen to music know that they suck and Goodnight Loving should be recieving ALL the praise.
3. Apples in Stereo - New Magnetic Wonder
They have OD'd a million times over on Pet Sounds but that doesn't stop this group from being a constant North Star like beacon in pop music.
2. Grinderman - Grinderman
Nick Cave decided to pull a few buddies out the Bad Seeds and make the Stooges reunion album. The only problem was the Stooges decided to get back together and release a total piece of shit while Grinderman's post-Funhouse deconstruction masterpiece was left to languish until the "Best of" lists came out. First Sum 41 and then the Weirdness? Fuck you, Iggy.
1. Carbon/Silicon - Last Post Mick Jones is on a fucking roll. Unleashing the Libertines on the world and then this. Last Post is a minimalist Clash (or BAD, depending on how you hear it) album with superb pop hooks, a little electro and raw fury. Sorry, I know I should write like an epic fucking paragraph for my album of the year but I've said what I need to say. Just check out the vid.

New Year = New Death Pool

Ok everybody, it's that time of year again! Time to play God (of sorts) and roll the craps dice on some expendable celebrity souls. Or the souls of anyone in the public eye for that matter.
RULES: You get 10 slots. Fill these slots with the sorry suckers that you think are going to be meeting their maker (L. Ron Hubbard for some,) this year. You can put how you think they will die and the month as well. If they die in the manner you describe +50 bonus points. If they die in the month predicted +100 bonus points. Once a person is on a list, that's it. No dupes. If Black Nathan says Britney Spears by OD'ing on coke snorted off a midget stripper's ass, Jay can't have Brit kicking the bucket by choking on a trany porno cock. Once they are on a list- that's it.
You get 100 pts. for every death straight up with no when or how. Everything else is gravy. December 31, 2008 a winner will be declared.
If you are blogger here- post yours as a blog. If you are just visiting, or want in- leave a comment on this post with your list. I'll update once people start dropping. Have fun with it.
Or not.
Here are mine: 1. Dick Cheney (come on- this son of a bitch has been two stepping with death since the Nixon administration. Of course, with him being Satan- he might have an angle on this whole death thing): I want to say he'll drop dead from bullet to the head, but that is just wishful thinking. So I'll chalk up his bad ticker puttering out on his ass. March. The sooner the better.
2. Ernest Borgnine (I loved Airwolf as much as the next guy, but he is getting up there. Unless he is a Dick Clark/ Bob Hope hybrid, his time should be drawing near. Come on 90...): Heart attack, aneurysm. May. Potential coma- then August.
3. Angela Lansbury (I was walking to work this morning and saw some dirt blowing in the breeze. So it made me think of this one, seeing as she probably has a few decades on the dirt): Drops dead of a heart attack when she is handed a script for a cameo appearance on Ghost Whisperer. The role calls for her to play as the actual ghost who is an inspiration to an aspiring murder mystery writer. June.
4. Al Pacino: Head explodes while filming a scene in Dali & I: The Surreal Story with him speaking to Faruk Malidi. Al finds out the hard way that yelling the lines or not, Faruk cannot hear him, because he is deaf. November.
5. George Steinbrenner (Oh holy shit...don't tell my father in law): Suffers a heart attack after the '08 season. After making it into the playoffs by the skin of their teeth by winning the wild card in a one game playoff, they are swept by the Bo Sox with Asexual A-Rod hitting .156 with 2 RBIs (.068 with runners in scoring positon,) and 3 for his last 38 including the regular season. Rivera's ERA will rival Jim Leyritz's blood alcohol level, and Petitte's mysterious midseason shoulder problem will render him useless for the post season stint. It is not this that troubles him as much as the fact that Fall Classic is a Red Sox v. L.A. Dodgers matchup. Should of reconsidered how you treated Torre, Jorge! By Christmas.
6. Amy Winehouse: With the gaps in her memory rivaling those in her teeth, she Lohan's her way through another rehab stint only to OD on an eight ball laced with fecal traced black tar heroin and irony. This Tuesday.
7. Nickelback (yes- not just Calgarian fucktard Chad Kroeger, but the whole perfecta of douche chills that is the band, Nickelback.): Plane crash. Please. Pretty please. Seriously, If Everyone Cared really, then you repetitious frat rock retards would of never sored to the level of played out mediocrity that you are so comfortably stuck at right now behind Linkin Park, and in front of Maroon 5. April.
8. Nichole Richie ( I think out of the two brilliant minds that gave us A Simple Life that Paris has learned her lesson. Remember she is looking for a smart boyfriend now. This one on the other hand...not so much. As #4 on my list would say..."I"M JUST GETTIN' STARTED!!!"): Initial reports claim that she dies from lack of nutrition, and failure to eat. But once a CSI Miami-esque autopsy is performed on the frail body of the former star, it is discovered that she has severe bruising and that the cause of death is in fact blunt force trauma. Lionel is charged within two weeks. Confesses to attempting to beat some sense into her. He, in turn, dies in prison after being shanked in the yard in retaliation to his beating a fellow cell mate to death with a clay bust of himself after the cell mate kept asking him to sing Dancing on the Ceiling. Nichole: February. Ex-Commodore's prison yard shanking: July.
9. Will Forte (It's been a while since we lost a casty from SNL, and this guy is the biggest hack on the show(that's not saying much...)- so why not?): Only the real talented ones die from their own foolish behavior, so I say he trips on an extension cord hooked to a light rigging that falls on his head. Please bring back Tina Fey. At least it was still kinda funny then. Not soon enough. September.
10. Keith Richards (This 750 year old drug saturated Skeksis has been on my list for the past three years. It is bound to happen at some point): With the effects of global warming reaching the levels they are, Richards has difficulty capturing the planets raw energy to keep him alive. Plays a day show at Wembley Stadium and withers away on stage while playing the solo to Gimme Shelter ironically. Open.