Tuesday, January 1, 2008

New Year = New Death Pool

Ok everybody, it's that time of year again! Time to play God (of sorts) and roll the craps dice on some expendable celebrity souls. Or the souls of anyone in the public eye for that matter.
RULES: You get 10 slots. Fill these slots with the sorry suckers that you think are going to be meeting their maker (L. Ron Hubbard for some,) this year. You can put how you think they will die and the month as well. If they die in the manner you describe +50 bonus points. If they die in the month predicted +100 bonus points. Once a person is on a list, that's it. No dupes. If Black Nathan says Britney Spears by OD'ing on coke snorted off a midget stripper's ass, Jay can't have Brit kicking the bucket by choking on a trany porno cock. Once they are on a list- that's it.
You get 100 pts. for every death straight up with no when or how. Everything else is gravy. December 31, 2008 a winner will be declared.
If you are blogger here- post yours as a blog. If you are just visiting, or want in- leave a comment on this post with your list. I'll update once people start dropping. Have fun with it.
Or not.
Here are mine: 1. Dick Cheney (come on- this son of a bitch has been two stepping with death since the Nixon administration. Of course, with him being Satan- he might have an angle on this whole death thing): I want to say he'll drop dead from bullet to the head, but that is just wishful thinking. So I'll chalk up his bad ticker puttering out on his ass. March. The sooner the better.
2. Ernest Borgnine (I loved Airwolf as much as the next guy, but he is getting up there. Unless he is a Dick Clark/ Bob Hope hybrid, his time should be drawing near. Come on 90...): Heart attack, aneurysm. May. Potential coma- then August.
3. Angela Lansbury (I was walking to work this morning and saw some dirt blowing in the breeze. So it made me think of this one, seeing as she probably has a few decades on the dirt): Drops dead of a heart attack when she is handed a script for a cameo appearance on Ghost Whisperer. The role calls for her to play as the actual ghost who is an inspiration to an aspiring murder mystery writer. June.
4. Al Pacino: Head explodes while filming a scene in Dali & I: The Surreal Story with him speaking to Faruk Malidi. Al finds out the hard way that yelling the lines or not, Faruk cannot hear him, because he is deaf. November.
5. George Steinbrenner (Oh holy shit...don't tell my father in law): Suffers a heart attack after the '08 season. After making it into the playoffs by the skin of their teeth by winning the wild card in a one game playoff, they are swept by the Bo Sox with Asexual A-Rod hitting .156 with 2 RBIs (.068 with runners in scoring positon,) and 3 for his last 38 including the regular season. Rivera's ERA will rival Jim Leyritz's blood alcohol level, and Petitte's mysterious midseason shoulder problem will render him useless for the post season stint. It is not this that troubles him as much as the fact that Fall Classic is a Red Sox v. L.A. Dodgers matchup. Should of reconsidered how you treated Torre, Jorge! By Christmas.
6. Amy Winehouse: With the gaps in her memory rivaling those in her teeth, she Lohan's her way through another rehab stint only to OD on an eight ball laced with fecal traced black tar heroin and irony. This Tuesday.
7. Nickelback (yes- not just Calgarian fucktard Chad Kroeger, but the whole perfecta of douche chills that is the band, Nickelback.): Plane crash. Please. Pretty please. Seriously, If Everyone Cared really, then you repetitious frat rock retards would of never sored to the level of played out mediocrity that you are so comfortably stuck at right now behind Linkin Park, and in front of Maroon 5. April.
8. Nichole Richie ( I think out of the two brilliant minds that gave us A Simple Life that Paris has learned her lesson. Remember she is looking for a smart boyfriend now. This one on the other hand...not so much. As #4 on my list would say..."I"M JUST GETTIN' STARTED!!!"): Initial reports claim that she dies from lack of nutrition, and failure to eat. But once a CSI Miami-esque autopsy is performed on the frail body of the former star, it is discovered that she has severe bruising and that the cause of death is in fact blunt force trauma. Lionel is charged within two weeks. Confesses to attempting to beat some sense into her. He, in turn, dies in prison after being shanked in the yard in retaliation to his beating a fellow cell mate to death with a clay bust of himself after the cell mate kept asking him to sing Dancing on the Ceiling. Nichole: February. Ex-Commodore's prison yard shanking: July.
9. Will Forte (It's been a while since we lost a casty from SNL, and this guy is the biggest hack on the show(that's not saying much...)- so why not?): Only the real talented ones die from their own foolish behavior, so I say he trips on an extension cord hooked to a light rigging that falls on his head. Please bring back Tina Fey. At least it was still kinda funny then. Not soon enough. September.
10. Keith Richards (This 750 year old drug saturated Skeksis has been on my list for the past three years. It is bound to happen at some point): With the effects of global warming reaching the levels they are, Richards has difficulty capturing the planets raw energy to keep him alive. Plays a day show at Wembley Stadium and withers away on stage while playing the solo to Gimme Shelter ironically. Open.

1 comment:

The 8Bit Chris said...

Sorry for the cluster formatting. I don't know what is up with the site. I'll attempt to rectify the wall o' text.