Thursday, June 21, 2012

The Time I Learned About Being "White Girl Wasted" While at Work

Interior: the inventory area for a local cancer hospital. There is a customer service window at the front of the room and just behind that are two co-workers seated at computers working quietly. One is a young man (in the dialog he will be named Me) and the other a middle aged woman. 

Around 6:00 a.m. a nurse approaches the window needing supplies for her floor. 

The middle aged woman takes the order and begins scouring the inventory room for the requested supplies. To kill the time, the nurse decides to engage the younger man in casual conversation interrupting the tranquility of listening to Pandora and sipping a triple espresso.

Nurse: How you doin' today, darlin'?!?!
Me, taking my earbuds out and waaaaaay less enthusiastic: I'm good. It's Friday and I've got a three day weekend.

Her eyes almost explode with excitement. 

Nurse: ME TOOO! And boy, let me tell you, I'ma gonna get FUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKED UP this weekend! I'm talking dawn 'til dusk, starting early and ending late! Shit, I might get so fucking crunk this I'll take another couple days off after Monday! Whatchyou think 'bout THAT?!?!?

The young man is aghast someone would be professing their intense alcoholism so casually and eagerly to a complete stranger, yet, he feels a strange kinship with this nurse.

Me:Uuhhhhh, that sounds cool. Doin' it big, huh? Any special occasion?
Nurse: HEEEEEEEELLLL FUCK NO! I ain't need no reason! I'm just lookin' to get my swerve on! You feel me?

The young man quickly abandons his work, utterly captivated by this enchantress.

Me: Oh, I feel ya! You going out or staying home?
Nurse: Sheeeeeet! I'm tearin' this motha fuckin' city DOWN! I'm gonna get so twisted Ima get WHITE GIRL WASTUD!

She now has the young mans full attention and Jedi-like concentration

Me: What's "white girl wasted?" I mean, I can imagine, I know a lot of white women who like to pound booze and I'm married to an Irish girl but are we talking broken heels, puking in the trashcan of the bathroom with smeared make up and raccoon eyes?
Nurse: Nah, nah, nah. Lemme tell you 'bout WHITE GIRL WASTED. Okay, I was in the club and was with a friend and we tipping back drinks and then she introduces me to this thing called....uhhhhh...Praeger...uhhhh...Wager...uhhh....
Me: Jagermeister?
Nurse: YEEEEEAAAHHHH! That, uhh, Jagermester! Boy, that shit will FUCK you up!
Me: I've had my experiences.
Nurse: Anyway, so my girl orders a round of those Jagerbombs. And her son orders a round of Jagerbombs. And her daughter in law orders a round Jagerbombs. And I order a round of Jagerbombs...
Me: Over the course of the night?
Nurse: FUCK NO! In an HOUR!

The young man's jaw is gaping upon this revelation. 

Me: Wow. Did you end up leaving early?
Nurse: NOOOOO! That's the thing. That Jagermeister don't hit you quick. It sneaks up on yo ass! And the whole time I was banging rum and cokes! We went like that all night and just got TORE UP!
Me: I can imagine.
Nurse: Oh, no you can't! We were all staggering out of the club 2:15 and shit and I'm wobbling on the sidewalk...

At this point the Nurse begins demonstrating her wobbling. It looks like an overweight epileptic having an epic seizure meets a Tickle Me Elmo doll. 

Nurse: ...So my girl and her people get in their call and peel off. And I fall into my car and then the spins start to hit. I can't even put my key in the ignition and I think I'm about to throw up allover my new car and just drop across the seats. So, I call my son. And he's like, "MOM! I know you ain't fucked up again! Goddamnit, I told you I wouldn't pick up if you kept doin' this shit!" And I'm like, "Fuck you! I brought you into this world and I will swerve my ass down to the house and take you out of it with this fucking car! Get your ass down here and pick your mama up!" And so he comes. 
Me: And?
Nurse: Shit! I ain't never been that fucked up or hungover in my life. Took me DAYS to work through that shit! And so, I asked my girl, "That how ya'll people do it?" And she says, "Every. Damn. Night." And I was like whoa! 

As her story seems to come to a conclusion that will only lead the young man to ask more questions because he is fascinated by this one story the nurse has about drunken lunacy the middle aged woman arrives back at the window with the requested supplies. The nurse grabs the bags and turns to walk away. 

Nurse: And that's getting white girl wasted. All right, baby, you have a good weekend! 
Middle Aged Woman: "White girl wasted?"
Me: You would not fucking believe what I was just told. 

And scene.