The Absolute Worst Shit Borders Forced Upon My Ears Last Year

My four years spent at Borders weren't all bad. I made some great friends, I have some stories I can dine out on for years but most of the music that corporate would mandate we play in the store was just straight up ass. True, there were some good selections at times like Sharon Jones, Flogging Molly, Trombone Shorty, Johnny Cash, Yo La Tengo and even MGMT's good record...and that's the best I can come up with over that stretch. It does little to diminish the psychic torment inflicted upon me by the likes of Celine Dion, Enya and motherfucking Coldplay. One day, I might mine my brain for the truly and utter shite (even though the Christmas music could arguably be considered the worst) but for now I will focus on the non-seasonal albums of 2011 that uber-tards in charge of the company demanded in constant rotation.

Glee - Whatever Fucking Piece of Shit Volume of the Soundtrack

Yeah, I'm getting this fucking garbage out of the way first. Fuck Glee, fuck Ryan Murphy and fuck you if you're a Gleek (I realize this includes some of my friends but I will not recant that statement). Look, I give the show credit for trying to bring a discussion about bullying and not shitting your pants whenever a gay person is around into the to pop-culture stew...but trying is all they accomplished. You want proof: SANTORUM, BITCHES! No matter how up his own ass Ryan Murphy gets about this neon-yellow bilious stream of excrement and it's social commentary the fact is the only thing people ever gave a shit about (aside from the writing staff at Entertainment Weekly)is the music. That's why the show was able to break the Beatles' Billboard record (and we, as a nation, should weep over being alive to witness and have our fellow Americans contribute to that) and no matter how big a pop-song they covered, the auto-tuned weasels almost always outsold and out shined the original artist. Here's the Cliff's Notes so I don't waste more time ranting on this rapidly dying rectal wart of a television show: the music is absolutely ghastly.

First, let's acknowledge that the people behind this aural terrorism do actually choose some fantastic songs...that shouldn't be covered. Ever. "River Deep, Mountain High" are you fucking kidding me? You dolts are going to have your group of expertly coiffed, under-talented and studio magic assisted rented mules try to tackle an Ike and Tina song? Get fucked. Or how bout the aforementioned Beatles or the Stones. And then there's totally misconstruing the actual meaning of a fucking song because it can be easily shoehorned into your contrived plots and the songwriters are eager for a fat check? All Glee does is lazily take pop songs down the Radio Disney or Kidz Bop! route and the aftermath is a successive stream of wet farts into the ears of people who have actual musical taste.

And, to be sure, Murphy loves to stroke his own ego and act like his show is the only way that kids will get into music and if your band says, "Fuck that noise. Glee is fucking lame" or "I don't want my music on that shit, I'd rather sell if to a gum company" he will troll you hard. Thankfully, Dave Grohl shut him the fuck up. And, hey, if you want to kids stoked about music and starting a band and rejecting mainstream norms than maybe you should've done an episode dedicated to Care Bears on Fire instead of Lady Gaga.

Lastly, FUCK YOU RYAN MURPHY FOR MAKING ME HAVE TO SIDE WITH THE KINGS OF LEON OVER ANYTHING!

(no video included because I will not have a clip or cover from Glee disgrace this blog)

Michael Buble - Crazy Love

Look, pop-stars are also meant to appeal to the masses on a superficial level to muck up the brain in case they have an aversion to whatever music they release. I get that middle-aged wino chicks need someone to get their granny panties lubed up before marathons of Sex and the City, but this fifth rate Harry Connick Jr. hoser is who they've picked? Come on ladies, Tom Jones is STILL dripping with tanning oil, a hearty musk of Brute, aged gash and can still make your vulvas thump! I'm sure at one point Buble was an actual crooner, wrote his own songs...okay that's just so ridiculous I can't even finish typing my previous musing. He's a total corporate stooge who finally built a large enough audience to be forced down the throats of the people who wake up to VH-1 every morning. That's why he went total Peter Cetera instead of raping more Sinatra tunes. Well, I guess we can be glad for that.

Susan Boyle - All of Them

Okay, so this mongoloid didn't release her new album until after Borders was shuffled loose this mortal coil but I'm including her previous records here because they were so insufferable I wish she'd turn into Katrina Bowden overnight so people would quit giving her credit for being extremely mediocre in every way possible.

Here is the scenario for every avowed Boyle-tard when they first saw her (no one ever heard voice before taking in her visage): " Okay, time to watch a bunch of misguided tools belt their brains out in front of under qualified, semi-successful record industry lemmings. Oh, my brain is tired. Let's let the TV talking heads tell me which record to buy next."

/sees Susan Boyle walk into camera view

"OH MY GOD! IT'S LIKE SLOTH FROM GOONIES RAPED AYN RAND BUT THE PLACENTA FUSED ITSELF ONTO THE CHILD'S FACE! KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!"

/Boyle begins to sing, lulling these easily duped twats into a state of total pacification with the heightened urge to buy her record.

And scene. Anyone who regards Susan Boyle with any consideration beyond being a lamentable pop-culture skid mark like William Hung or Fred Durst has no sense of art, creativity or life.

Brad Paisley - This is Country Music

Holy fuck this album is torture. But let's ignore the obvious musical shortcomings of Mr. Paisely (who should be resigned to making mediocre surf music) to focus on the lyrical content. The title track is so offensive to anyone who doesn't have their head up the Tea Party's ass. Let's break it down:

You're not supposed to say the word "cancer" in a song.

Really, why not? Who the fuck said you can't discuss cancer in music? I wish this line was, "You're not supposed to talk about/how Muslims are trying to kill us all" because at least you could justify such idiocy under the auspices of lame prejudice.

And telling folks Jesus is the answer can rub them wrong.

Well, yeah, I don't prefer to hear that shit in my music. But, then again, I still adore people like Mahalia Jackson and Johnny Cash. Of course, Richard Dawkins would probably become apoplectic over hearing about the glory of the lord if he gave two shits about pop music. Honestly, I don't see too many fans of modern country music being hardcore atheists. But go on, tortured white Christians, and keep thinking our vile secularist nation is oppressing you.

It ain't hip to sing about tractors, trucks, little towns and mama, yeah that might be true. But this is country music and we do.

No, dude, this is VERY hip right now. Not, hip, like, people in Brooklyn wearing over-sized glasses and retro NBA jerseys. Well, both groups are huge, gaping assholes. But looking at the state politics,it seems that blowing people who eat religiously at some monstrosity called a Pizza Ranch (I hear complimentary ranch dressing is served in beer pitchers) while eagerly awaiting to lick Rick Santorum's taint seems pretty en vouge. It's not like your extolling the virtues of a black president and lamenting the loss of Christopher Hitchens. Now, THAT would be very unhip.

And if there's anyone that still/ Has pride and memory of those/ That died defending the old red, white and blue/ This is country music and we do.

Oh really, asshole? The person that got this etched permanently on their body is who I imagine you are courting with these lyrics.

Well, let me retort to just about all your previous claims with this one song that features ruminations on religion, war, patriotism and love.

I firmly believe that country music, as a relevant musical (not social) genre died after Urban Cowboy. Sure, there are some great bands out now that are keeping the traditions of country music alive for those who regard Hank Williams with more love and devotion than Faith Hill or some asshat like Tobey Keith. Those Darlins' first record is a good example, I'm a very big fan of Sean Reefer but in general, country music has been diffused into nothing more than pop music for the Tea Party set.

Brad Paisley's album is the ultimate bullshit image of a divided America. It's just such a ridiculous, egregiously fake, Norman Rockwell painted narrative that it makes me wretch. And to be sure, there are plenty of oh so horrible songs to be singled out for righteous scorn but, in line with my aforementioned theory, the main offender has to be "Camouflage." To sum up this brilliant rhapsody of redneck decor, aside from being able to shoot stars and stripes out of your asshole on command, the next best act as a patriot you can perform is not donating to the Wounded Warrior Project, joining the military or volunteering at a VFW. No, it's painting your bad ass, shit-kicker, mean muddin' machine in camouflage! In fact, here are BradleyCoolDude's thoughts in the YouTube page for this aural atrocity: If you don't like camouflage, then your a communist and should leave the good ole' America.

I hope Brad Paisley gets gored to death by a bull at the rodeo this year.

Original Motion Picture Soundtrack - Country Strong

I've already spewed enough venom on modern country but when you add Gwyneth Paltrow into the mix and you have to hear it on loop for 8 hours a day then what you have is the audio equivalent of waterboarding.

Bonnie's Power Mix - A Liquidation Mix Made by My Last General Manager

I wasn't a fan of my last GM. She pushed out some good people, would NEVER go to bat for the employees or insert herself into a problem with an unruly customer and generally made liquidation SUCK OUT LOUD even more. But her mix CD (by the time Armageddon was in full swing we were allowed to play our own mix CD's) was pretty awful for reasons beyond some of the musical choices. Snap's "I Got the Power," Twisted Sister's "We're Not Gonna Take It" and even the motherfucking Rocky theme were included. I fail to see how those tunes will inspire power within me when I'm being berated by dumbass motherfuckers who can't read the fine print of an e-mail or don't get that they can no longer treat us like a public library and the fucking person in charge can't drag her ass away from kissing the liquidators ball sack to tell these people to leave her employees the fuck alone. Every day when I opened I would pull this disc out of the mix replace it with the Disney song collection (no joke) someone else came up with. Yes, listening to Robing Williams rap was more pleasurable than hearing the jarring switch from 80's pop relics to "Flight of the Valkyries." And she would return it to its place. I'm GLAD you were tortured by my morose Tom Waits mix. But the true turd burned to disc was that horrible Daniel Powter song that became a hit because it was featured on the show most likely to give your ears AIDS, American Idol.

Who in their right fucking mind would choose to play this FOR THE BENEFIT OF THEIR EMPLOYEES EMOTIONS that are facing unemployment, unrepentant bargain hunters literally tearing your store apart, and non-stop lines of people bitching, "Oh that's all you're gonna take off of that? That's not worth it to me. I'll come back when the prices go down." Wait, who in their right fucking mind with kindergarten level social skills and a comprehension of basic human emotion would drop a buck on that shit on iTunes? Yeah, go fuck yourself Bonnie. Hey at least, I played something positive in my mix CD instead of what I really wanted to put on loop, which would've been this:

Jay Debauchery's Top 10 Records of 2011, Part Deux

5. Tom Waits - Bad as Me (Anti)

"Listen to the general! Every goddamn word," Waits growls on his first studio album in seven years and one that just might outshine his previous, 2004's cult classic Real Gone (well, aren't they all cult classics? Sure, Waits is in the the R 'N' R Hall of Fame but do you really see people giving this man as much credit or love as Bono? Glad we can all agree on that. FUCK BONO!). Tom Waits said his wife told him to crank out the tunes fast and furious and to be short and concise and it is a glorious collection of from one of the most interesting and continually innovative American artists of all time. Weaved within the howlers like the title track, "Hell Broke Luce" and "Get Lost" are quieter tracks, like "Back in the Crowd" that showcase just how powerful Wait's voice can be when he isn't hammering your brain with his carnival barker rasp (note: this is not complaint nor criticism). Plus, Keith Richards plays guitar on this. How the fuck can you go wrong with Keef if someone like Waits is cracking the whip? Everett True quoted a friend on Facebook describing this album as, "the best kind of 'more of the same.' Spot on. Oh and I arbitrarily ranked it this high because the lone official video released has no emu's in it.Anti gets Tom some emu's, like they did before, and in 2012 I switch all this shit up. Got it?

4. Thee Oh Sees - Carrion Crawler/The Dream (In the Red)

Not content to release one awe inspiring psychedelic skull-fuck this year, John Dwyer and co. pumped this record out (originally conceived as two E.P.'s) about six months after the sunshine-pop filled, deliriously trippy, Castlemania and I struggled about which record would retain this spot for a bit. In fact, all I did on my Xmas shift at the hospital was bounce back and forth between the two, nodding my head uncontrollably, receiving concerned glares from my co-workers who are most certainly not accustomed to acid-flashback inspiring garage rock excellence. In the end, Carrion Crawler/The Dream wins out because the band drifts off into unexpected realms, leaving the music totally unpredictable. Plus, it's the noisier of the two. It's a fantastic record and it might be their masterpiece.

3. P.J. Harvey - Let England Shake (Vagrant)

Holy fuck, people, this record is unbelievably brilliant and incredibly difficult for me to write about without hyperbole. Bottom line, Polly Jean is still on the minimalist kick and along with Mick Harvey and John Parish she has crafted a wicked political album that is probably the most haunting and acerbic (well, lyrically at least) of her career. You just can't shake some of the images she splashes across your brain. Let England Shake is the most pleasurable musical punch to the balls you'd ever like to receive. She truly is the Patti Smith of her generation.

2. Mind Spiders - S/T (Dirtnap)

This is another record I was shocked (to almost violent rage) that didn't make it on almost ANY top 10 list. Are you fucking kidding me? Mark Ryan (of the amazing, criminally underrated, Marked Men) pumps out an amazing garage-pop album and just because it's released in January and not blown by the blogosphere like Bon Iver or whatever other horseshit was stylistically calculated to appease lazy music writers searching for a quick write up, this rad piece of wax gets relegated to the metaphorical dustbin? Fuck that noise. The Marked Men were, from the get go, one of the best bands on the planet and Ryan has carried that tradition on while managing to get weird at times while maintaining their obsession for 60's pop. If you don't see hope for the future of pop music in this band then Van Gogh yourself...twice!

1. Fucked Up - David Comes to Life (Matador)

If this is the end of Fucked Up, then they've gone out on an incredibly high note. Few bands can successfully do the concept album and when you throw in hardcore punk bands to the mix the odds get exponentially lower. However, these cats managed to magnificently pull it off, plotting the beats of their "rock opera" in a Toronto food court while retooling the music to coincide with it. Alongside the album, they released singles coloring the fictional town the story takes place in that run the gamut from the could have been on a KBD comp, "My Old Man's a Ginger" to the dreamy 90's alt-rock on, "Light Rain" or even the garage-pop on, "It's Hard to Be a Dad".

But, what is first and foremost here is the music on the album itself. I've been a total fanboy for Fucked Up ever since I heard Epics in Minutes. I've been thrilled to see the band progress beyond the second coming of Black Flag label that was thrust upon them, deservedly so, earlier in their career. Mike Haliecheck, the architect of this group's brilliant brand of sonic assault, deserves much of the credit for the records' success but it's frontman Damien Abraham's ripped-throat snarl that ferociously delivers the many emotional gut punches perfectly placed throughout the record. And despite the incredibly high bar this records sets for Fucked Up, I'm sure whatever it is they unleash upon us next will be at the very least, on par with David Comes to Life.

EP of the Year - Tie

Future of the Left - Polymers are Forever (Xtra Mile)

So, they dropped the bassist that has been with Andy Falkous since mclusky and added a second guitarist and yet, the proper question is, how fucking more awesome could this band get? Waaaaay more rad, folks.

Trash Talk - Awake (True Panther)

If Cerebral Ballzy weren't so drunk (not a complaint) and more into metal.

Jay Debauchery's Top 10 Records of 2011, Part Une

Alright, here we go. Some of these have popped up (deservedly so) in every possible corner of the internet and print media. Some have not. I stand by my list until next year when I look it over, go back through all the records I neglected to mention and end up hammering my asshole with a meat tenderizer.

10. Police Teeth - Awesomer Than the Devil (Latest Flame)

I copped this off of Shiny Grey Montone (I have a physical copy now, thank you) at the suggestion of Soulless Brother #1 (aka Black Nathan) and it fucking blew me away. Imagine if Superchunk went full on balls out with the volume cranked, hints of Future of the Left, Seaweed and Fugazi and you've got this kick ass bit of wax. "Summertime Bruise" hasn't left my head since I heard it.

9. Smith Westerns - Dye it Blonde (Fat Possum)

These kids are just so goddamned good. Much more polished this time around, the Smith Westerns are still obsessed with Marc Bolan, Teenage Fanclub and I Should Coco era Supergrass (just listen to "Weekend" or "Imagine, Pt. 3" and tell me I'm wrong) and seem to effortlessly craft sublime pop songs. I was surprised to see these guys land on so few year end lists but I guess that's what happens when you can't hype a band beyond their first record and the follow up comes out at the beginning of the year. Go back and listen to this along with their self-titled and tell me your not stoked about what they'll lay on us next.

8. Lords of Altamont - Midnight to 666 (Fargo) The Lords don't reinvent themselves or their scuzzed up 60's inspired (duh) psych/biker punk but unlike their previous release, The Altamont Sin, the band cranks the fuzz and Farfisa up to 11 with a nice thick sound to muddy your ears. Maybe it's the addition of members of the Fuzztones and Cramps that brought the band back to their former glory (Lords Have Mercy). Bonus points are awarded for their cover of the Dead Boys' "Ain't it Fun."

7. Davila 666 - Tan Bajo (In the Red)

Let's put off the critical discussion for a moment and go into total fanboy territory. First, you need to listen to this. And then this track from the Pepper Pots. If they hook up we are assured some bad ass pop music in the future. Anyhoo, the finest group of garage enthusiasts out of Puerto Rico have returned with a lo-fi compilation of punked up Richie Valens tunes that will provide the perfect soundtrack to your summer bar-b-cue. In between the hepped up rockers ("Patitas") there are some straight Phil Spector ballads ("Eso Que Me Haces"). I love this record so much I included one of the songs on my ill fated wedding playlist which you can dig below.

6. The Gaye Blades - S/T (Norton)

This spot should've been reserved for the Night Beats LP (and hey, I can still change my mind but I wanna at least get half of this list up tonight) but this was a last minute listen that really hit me hard. Pretty much what you get is the Black Lips meets Gentleman Jesse and that's because it's Jared Swilley and Jesse Smith (who also slays in the Carbonas) and it results in the only band that can be mentioned alongside greats like Shoes, the Action and the Exploding Hearts. No, this won't shake your world like Guitar Romantic but it will remind you to have faith that power-pop ,in America, will eventually burst through to the mainstream once again. Sure, the production and vocals are (intentionally) raw but it just makes the album more endearing and highlights the strengths of the songwriting. So what if they don't harmonize perfect and the guitar is slightly out of tune? This is going to be stuck in your head for eons. Essentially, it's a long lost Bomp! record released in 2011. We should all be happy as a pig in shit for that.

The Top Ten Songs I Didn't Hear at Jay Debauchery's Wedding

So, as mentioned in an earlier post by Mr. Debauchery, I have been invited to take time away from my literary blog, Poppycock Press (I know, I know, shameless self-promotion, but hey, I got a following to build), to come write a top ten list for 2011 in Please Kill Yourself (If you are reading this now, you have not followed instructions very well, now have you?). My main problem in constructing an idea for a top ten list is that I have spent much of the year listening to old records that I haven't pulled out in years (the only new album I payed any attention to was Fucked Up's "David Comes to Life"), reading old literature while almost finishing off David Foster Wallace's entire collection of books (my new favorite author--wish I had discovered him before he offed himself), and generally avoiding Television--aside from Breaking Bad and Mad Men--like the digital rays are going to form a phallic wave and skull-fuck mindaids directly into my cerebral cortex (Hey, you never know with modern technology. I'm pretty sure my cell phone could cook me breakfast if I found the right app.). You could say I am not hip to the current cultural landscape. The kids would not find me cool, fresh, dope, groovy, chill, or whatever funky new nickname they call it these days. However, I did attend a special event this year, the union of Mr. and Mrs. Debauchery. Of course, side-note here, Can Mr. Jay Debauchery still call himself "Debauchery" now that he is married and has a real job? (Ed note: Yes. Yes we can. The absolute scumbaggery that happened at my bachelor means that I can claim my Mark Twain for life). I vote that we rechristen our old friend--perhaps the cliched "The blogger formerly known as Jay Debauchery," or if I can throw my suggestion into the box, I like "Jay Homeowner." It has a nice ring to it. Of course, any other suggestions should be posted in the comments section of this post and we'll vote on it later. For now, being that this is the end of 2011, we'll give him a few more days of pride in his last name and continue to refer to him as "Mr. Debauchery" from here on out in this post, but when 2012 comes it's Mr. Homeowner all the way. Alas, I digress, the whole point of this long-winded introduction was to say that certain promises were made and horribly broken regarding this wedding, and no I am not talking about the strippers (Tweedle Fat and Tweedle Crackhead) at his bachelor party. That's another story altogether. I was referring to a certain auditory environment that was promised to his longtime friends and sharers in the tradition of ultra-music-snobbery. Instead, we were treated to the same old doldrums of shitty overplayed Sinatra tunes and fore some reason this...

So without further adieu, I present my contribution to Please Kill Yourself's Best of 2011...

The Top Ten Songs I Didn't Hear at Jay Debauchery's Wedding

10) The Dwarves - I Wanna Be Your Pimp

For a man that lists his new bride under the name "Bottom Bitch" in his iPhone (if you aren't familiar with the terminology, you should read this book), certainly I should have been treated to Blag Dahlia's ruminations on love and Greyhound buses. If the Dwarves were considered too aggressive for the mass contingent of Aggies at Jay's wedding then certainly a Houston classic could have fit the bill perfectly, which brings me to...

9) UGK - International Players Anthem

Aside from the aforementioned labeling of Mr. Debauchery's one and only, what more could you want to hear at a wedding of two native Houstonians, other than the H-Town duo of Bun B and Pimp C featuring the lyrical stylings of none other than Outkast's Andre 3000 and Big Boi over the Motown Classic "I Choose You" by Willie Hutch? If you can't get your ass moving on the dance floor to this, then you either have no ass or hate good music. And speaking of great Houston artists, we should switch up the genres here and wonder why no...

8) Townes Van Zandt - If I Needed You

We're in Texas. I think we're entitled to at least one slow country love song that doesn't make white people look like toddlers discovering their legs for the first time when they try to dance. I mean, seriously, all the shitty modern pop that was played at his wedding left the dance floor a choppy ocean of maroon during hurricane season. Also, with a self-appointed moniker like "Debauchery," how could we not have honored one of the forefathers of drunken buffoonery? And speaking of drunken buffoonery, I would have loved to hear this...

7) Danny Boy

Who qualifies as bigger drunks than the Irish? For a man who so brazenly declares his Irish heritage every 20 seconds or so, we couldn't listen to the Irish American national anthem. Yes, in the end, we did get some Pogues and some Dropkick Murphys after Mr. Debauchery finally yelled at the two numskull deejays who seemed perfect for any Jewish kid's bar mitzvah (I think I may have gotten their card), and yes, it's more of a funeral hymn, but like I questioned his nickname earlier, I do feel that marriage is kind of the funeral for us debaucherous souls.

OK, OK, so honestly, this is Soulless Brother #1's contribution to the post. We just wanted a chance to include some Coen Brothers. As Soulless Brother #1 would say, "Go Minnesota!" And speaking of talented Minnesotans, really?!, none of this either...

6) The Replacements - Can't Hardly Wait

(Ed note: This did in fact play but was what gave the DJ's cold feet about my play list. Fuck them! Mikey, we were out smoking at the time)>Considering Mr. Debauchery lists this song himself at the very top of his own wedding playlist, I was quite surprised to not hear one of the ultimate punk rock love songs at the wedding. When I hear this song, I think of mix-tapes for girls in high school, I get the old butterflies in my stomach from thoughts of old love affairs, and bonus, because of the 90's tradition of shitty high school party films, I can envision my high school infatuation with Jennifer Love Hewitt's breasts because of the crappy movie which ripped off it's title from this song. And while we're on the ultimate punk rock love songs, we definitely should have been treated to some of this...

5) The Dead Boys - All This and More

My vote is that this song should have been played close to the end. A little sexy, a little raunchy, perfect for working up a young couple ready to consecrate their marriage. Of course, as I mentioned earlier, there weren't just punk music snobs at the wedding. The contingent of Aggies and typical white folks was quite high so the wedding playlist certainly had to appease these members of the crowd as well. But if the deejays were only going to play shitty standards, then they could have at least allowed us to hear some of the songs we ironically love like...

4) Elvis Presley - Suspicious Minds

Now, this isn't exactly a happy-go-lucky love song, but it would serve as a solid reminder to the bride and groom that their relationship from here on out must be free of jealousy. No, Mr. and Mrs. Debauchery, you cannot go on together with suspicious minds. Your relationship must be built on trust if it is to last. Besides, Courtney, if you knew how much fun your husband didn't have at his own bachelor party, you'd love him forever on that alone. Additionally, this is one of two Elvis songs that I'll actually stand behind (the other of course being "In the Ghetto" but that's not exactly wedding material), and if you saw the crowd at that wedding, there must have been at least a couple of Elvis diehards. Besides, you try not to have a blast singing along to the chorus of this song. It's impossible. Now, we shouldn't spend too much time ironically listening to music, as is the case that if the wedding deejays had done their job by playing a nice mix of shitty standard wedding music and the elusive wedding playlist of the groom, or if Mr. Debauchery had done us all a favor and threatened to withhold their pay, we would have no need for this here post. But we do, so I'll add one more to the tally...

3) Blowfly - I Wanna Be Fellated

It's a parody of one of Mr. Debauchery's favorite bands, and I just kind of always wanted to hear a Blowfly track played at a wedding. I know it's a little much to ask, but fuck it, it's my list and I'll bitch if I want to. But now, for a serious addition...

2) Tom Waits - Sea of Love

While this isn't a Waits original, it's certainly an amazing rendition, and if we're to be honest here, Tom Waits original material on love isn't exactly the most hopeful wedding music. But certainly Mr. Debauchery, like most music snobs, has Tom Waits on his Mount Rushmore of songwriters, and we should have subjected the normal folk to his gravelly, haunting, and ultimately perfect and beautiful voice. It is truly a travesty that no Tom Waits was played at the wedding. No joking here. And now the unveiling, of the one song, without a doubt that we will all regret missing out on at Jay "My Life is All Picket Fences, Children, and the Farewell of my Youthful Dreams from Here on Out" Debauchery's (1981-2011) wedding...

1) Lil John - Get Low

Oh wait, Nevermind! We totally heard this at his wedding. Oh, skeet skeet skeet motherfucker! I mean, seriously, did Mr. Debauchery really pick this out? I will agree that there is nothing more debaucherous than spilling semen all over your beloveds face till the sweat drips from your balls, but it still seems more of a honeymoon track to me. Oh, skeet skeet skeet motherfucker! Of course, I can't say I'm completely disappointed either. I'm not sure if Soulless Brother #1's masturbatory gestures in plain view of the bride's entire family were more amusing or the dance floor flooded with white Aggie bridesmaids cheering for their own desecration. Oh skeet skeet skeet motherfucker...whoop! Oh skeet skeet skeet whoop! Hey, I kind of like that addition. Oh, another side-note here, I did a little debauchery of my own at the wedding, and let's just say that dried up skeet on a maroon dress kind of turns into a burnt orange color. Who knew? I don't know if we can use this covert information as some sort of new clothing line to bring Aggies and Longhorns back together. You know, like the bloods and the crips "Crosscolors" line in the early 90's.

So, there you have it...The Top Ten Songs I Didn't Hear at Jay Debauchery's Wedding. In all seriousness, I wish you and Courtney the best in your marriage and am truly sorry for you guys about all the hiccups with the idiots at the wedding venue. In the immortal words of Wu Tang Clan, I hope one day you get to find those deejays, sew their assholes shut, and keep feeding them and feeding them and feeding them. With that, I'm out! Oh skeet skeet skeet motherfuckers!

Quick Update on Things to Come

Appy-polly-logies for the lack of updates lately. Me and Mrs. just honeymooned it in New Orleans and I work the Xmas holiday and fucking slacked on shopping for everyone and I'm still super bummed about Hitch's death while the Kardashians continue to draw breath and, hey, I'm trying to get back on track with the whole blog/zine (yes, we ARE coming back in print) thing. So, to get your jeans super tight/wet, here are some things coming down the pipe that have been actively worked on thus far.

*Best of 2011 lists. Not just from me, as per usual (except for last year when I wanted to hermetically seal myself in Debauchery Central due to some retail trauma), but I reached out to some friends to give you a different perspective. 8BitChris, hopefully, will turn something in and if not I will walk across the hall at work and smack him in the face with a vaginal dilator. Oh, you best believe I'm planning on using a number 8! Soulless Brother #1, (cause he's a ginger, see) Black Nathan has tepidly committed to producing something as well. And I've also reached out to my good friend Mike Hilbig of the awesome Poppycock Press to contribute. Hopefully, he'll get out of the habit of doing real, serious, artistic and soul searching writing to come fuck around these parts.

*Inspired by hearing Skrillex for the first time (and probably the first time that twat-hat has inspired anything other than bilious shit/vomit) I will do a list compiling the worst albums I heard this year. Now, don't think I got all super duper music journo or anything. There was plenty of shit that I was aware of this year that made people's top 10 or 2,000 lists that I had absolutely no interest in listening to. This is more a compilation of the audio diarrhea unwillingly squirted through my ears by the now deceased corporate overlords at Borders. You will weep for me when you read what I was subjected to endure (and the Glee albums weren't even fucking close to the worst).

*A treatise on Kickstarter and how it seems to be a shit deal when it comes to music for the fans. This is inspired by a previously popular third wave ska band raising over $50K to record a new album. That is some straight up BULLSHIT, brothers and sisters.

*If Mrs. Debauchery signs off on it a patchwork of our honeymoon in New Orleans. Hopefully, Mr. and Mrs. GFN will be cool with being included.

*And speaking of the GFN, thoughts on the Down 'N' Dirties reunion and review of their set at Liberty Station before I got shithoused.

*Loads of praise for Heights Vinyl, the fucking coolest record store on the block!

*I don't know what's gonna happen this year but I'm predicting an epic rant on the asshole Santa's that fuck up the 30footFALL Xmas show every year. They can get hit by pick-up trucks leaving Jimmy's Place for all I care.

*And some other shit I'm sure I'll pull out of my ass in a drunken stupor when I get on a writing jag. Like, really, I thought about outlining my plan to pacify the GOP when it comes to gay rights and immigration. Long story short: Gay people marry illegal immigrants of the opposite sex. EVERYBODY WINS!

Thoughts on Finally not Having to Endure Xmas Music at Work

As noted before, this is my first year out of retail in over four years. And aside from having to deal with constantly being berated for not having the popular book/cd/dvd that everyone else is fucking looking for, cleaning up after women who have shit on the bathroom floor (ya'll girls is nassay!) and, well, being in retail, the greatest joy I'm currently experiencing is being in a work environment that is absent Christmas music. Even when I was at Nundini, we'd have to listen to Sunny 99.1 and the same shitty assortment of 20 songs blase enough to pacify the general masses and believe me, there were times when I thought of Van Goghing myself with the meat slicer.

Many of the recurring criticisms I have regarding most pop music (bland, boring, safe, dumbed down, void of emotion, etc.) are exacerbated when the bands pump out tired covers of the same holiday standards. Most of the time, you can hear just how disinterested the band itself is in performing these generic tunes just to score some extra cash on the novelty of it all. OMG! Rascal Flats has THEIR own stamp on "Grandma Got Runover by a Reindeer!" TAKE ME TO THE NEAREST WAL-MART AT ONCE SO I MAY MARVEL OVER IT'S BRILLIANCE!

To be fair, not all Xmas music is total shit. The Pogues "Fairytale of New York" is one of their best songs. The Boys had tons of fun (under the moniker the Yobs) shitting on some, turning other holiday classics into pornographic, misogynistic piss-takes (that are pure aural joys. There's the Sonic's "I Don't Believe in Christmas" and A Christmas Gift for You from Phillie Records album to dig. Even this Punk Rock Advent Calendar is a bit of cheeky fun.

Bob Dylan came out with his take on the genre under the very apt argument that these songs were traditional standards that endure because of modern artists interpreting them in their own way. This doesn't mean they are always successful or even tolerable more than...10% of the time. There are very fucking few exceptions to the axiom that most Christmas music is shit so please allow me to share with you the worst I've ever had to endure.

She and Him - A Very She and Him Christmas

Once I heard about this album I was immediately glad that Borders went out of business because otherwise I was sure to have to listen to this garbage on loop for 8 hours a day. I'm sorry, I just don't get the appeal of Zooey Deschanel and M. Ward's dull as fuck music. Sure, she's got a nice voice but that doesn't mean the music is worth listening to. I avoided this thing like AIDS and had been safe until yesterday when Mrs. Debauchery dragged my ass to a Kirkland's and it almost put me to sleep standing. If anyone can explain to me why people give a shit what this lame hipster who is responsible for the word "adorkable" attempts to contribute to music, I will gladly pay your bar tab. You want GOOD modern versions of AM radio pop music? You had the Pipettes and now can bask in the glory of the Pepper Pots. Even the reverse gender roles on the ultimate holiday date rape anthem couldn't hold my interest.

Josh Groban - Noel

Like clockwork, every October we'd get another copy of this CD to stuff into the player and would be mandated by the corporate geniuses who engineered Borders swirl down the toilet to put this shit on blast for four fucking months. All the good will he got from the "I'm Fucking Ben Affleck" video and trying to hip his dinosaur audience to Nick Cave (he performed a pretty asstastic version of "Straight to You" on his last album. Yes, I hate myself for being aware of that) was gone once this turd landed in my ears. Look, I get that old white ladies need vocal stimuli to get their granny panties moist for their hordes of cats to chow down on but the American king of pop-era and his PBS shilled Christmas disc makes me pine for Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct to go to town on my balls like a goddamned block of ice. Plus, he looks like a mongoloid version of Bill Fool.

Straight No Chaser - Christmas Cheer

Ooof. This is almost the worst on the list (hint: our winner involves Jesus and fancy footwear!) and is another offering pimped out by PBS. Coupled with Josh Groban (yes, that 1-2 tandem of fucking suck happened in 2010!) this makes me want to vote Republican so they defund the pricks. A fellow mall employee came by to borrow some Xmas music and I gladly yanked this shit out of the stereo and quickly shoved her out the door. She came back 20 minutes later and politely thanked me for the offering when I could tell she wanted to break the disc over my head and open my veins with the shattered remnants of the CD. What you get here is some acapella bullshit that can only be erased from your memory with copious amounts of whiskey and Slayer. Look, I hate all the bullshit machismo built around beer commercials ("GRRRRR! IF YOU DRINK LIGHT BEER YER A FAG! RAWWR! MY PROTRUDING GUT IS A TESTAMENT TO THE LENGTH OF MY COCK!") but it's clear the only sexual activity these cats enjoy is the pre-show circle jerk while harmonizing. That's not me calling them gay. They're clearly acappella-sexual. If there were women in this group one of the guys would be flicking her jelly bean in the aforementioned pre-show activities. Sorry, no embed available for this one although that might be to your benefit. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7E-47VmFopE

Aretha Franklin - This Christmas

Don't get me wrong. I fucking love Aretha and I understand aging pop stars are wont to do lazy shit like this to supplement their income instead of actually producing new music (hey, didn't Al Green release a pretty decent album a couple of years ago?). But this song right here is just straight embarrassing. So, not only is nepotism on display but Eddie's little Mariah Carey moment followed by some terrible scat/rap combo...the Queen of Soul's word salad ramblings...This was a Borders exclusive and right around liquidation they shipped us a fuckton of the album to be priced at 99 cents. It took over three years and the company going out of business to unload this diaper stain of a Christmas album.

Newsong - The Christmas Shoes

Tim Tebow could release a Christmas song lamenting sheared foreskins and aborted fetuses and I would not be able to hate it as much as "The Christmas Shoes." I would rather have married a Juggalette or my nephew grow up to be the new Chris Martin than this song exist. And to throw some more salt in the wound the little shit in the video is wearing a Red Sox hat. Fuck atheism. I am SURE there is a God now who endeared his wretched minions with the dearth to create this song and for it to become a bonafide hit JUST TO TORTURE ME BECAUSE I AM HEATHEN SCUM. 8-Bit hadn't heard this travesty of an aural abortion until a few weeks ago and I envy him. I wish I didn't spend two Christmases with this Christian rock bullshit pulsating from the overhead speakers every half hour. I hope Christopher Hitchens survives his cancer treatment and can walk up to the singer of Newsong and put his foot squarely in that cunt's nutsack! I hope Richard Dawkins writes a treatise on this song more condescending than The God Delusion and reads it to these bastards, stopping to explain every obvious scientific theorem twenty times over. Hang on, I gotta do a shot.

/downs bottle of Jameson while receiving sympathetic looks from the dogs

So, if you want the quick version of why this song is so wretched (lyrically) then check out Patton Oswalt NUKING it here. Earlier, I brought up my general complaints regarding most pop music ((bland, boring, safe, dumbed down, void of emotion, etc.) and this song fits that perfectly. I feel that criticising the music on display is a moot point considering all the assholes that love this song focus more on the lyrics than music. How else could you explain the enduring popularity of Christian pop music? What fucking parent sends his son out to get a pair of motherfucking shoes before his wife/the kids mom croaks? And the protagonist outs himself as a gaping asshole for standing in line on December 24th to buy gifts for people he could give a FUCK about. If my hardcore Baptist grandmother who is about to be put in hospice care heard this load of crap she'd have the same objections her beloved atheist grandson does: it's antithetical to the tenets of Christianity, it's a bunch of Joel Osteen buy your way into heaven propagated bunk, it's a shitty song that shouldn't be excused because it makes Glenn Beck's dick hard (okay, that last part might not be true)!

Because Jesus didn't believe in sharing I can't embed this here. Troll in the comments random people who were misguided to my blog by google.

http://youtu.be/GJcPVB-we7g

I leave you with this, my final argument on Christmas music as contradictory as it is. A lame song I enjoy due to its timeliness and stance against the general public mood.