WATCH! Ned Beatty's Progeny Practice His Rape Squeal!

We'll be back shortly.

And Here is My Introduction to the World of Podcasts

A couple of weeks ago I met up with Black Nathan and Tyson to record a podcast that I'm told has something to do 1560 the Game. A few highlights to entice you to listen:
* I deconstruct the bullshit Glee usage of songs. You know, their total disregard for the ACTUAL meaning of the songs in favor of dramatic bullshit?
* Nathan rags on my previous journalism.
* I, once more, lament about how much it sucks to work in a bookstore.
* Tim Tebow's appearance at the ESPY's leads us all into a rant about religion in sports.
* Mel Gibson.

And so much more!
Hopefully, Tyson will bring me back for more cursing and chaos so until then, enjoy!

http://p1podcastpalooza.podbean.com/2010/07/25/please-kill-yourselfafter-you-listen/

Man, I Should've Vacationed Here

Yeah, that's the Hoff's party bus. Go ahead give me one good reason why being on that mobile raunch machine would suck? Can you imagine how much booze, Wendy's Baconaters and Kraut-tang (or Sauer-gash) are loaded onto that motherfucker?

Internet, Meet Giampaolo Nundini

For a few years now, Sneaky Pete and I have threatened to unleash the awesomeness that is Giampaolo to these interwebs. Pete still works for this magnanimous and uncouth bastard and I did too for a little bit and these videos are posted to share our joys (and occasional horrors) of working for a bat-shit crazy, foul-mouthed, good-hearted and easily loveable Italian who dubs himself, The Godfather of Food. Expect more in the future.

Terrorists, Please Aim at Cave Rock, Illinois

ICP is a band that for some reason has a ravenous fanbase that laps up whatever shit sandwich they're served. These troglodytes (the Houston chapter has left death threats on my phone over an article I wrote in the Daily Cougar years ago ragging on them), who are known as Juggalos, celebrate their collective stupidity, inbreeding and lack of shame with an annual festival called The Gathering of the Juggalos. You might think it's odd that white trash horrorcore-rap enthusiasts would cop a term from hippies for their event but keep in mind these people make the hygene, appearance and overall IQ at a Phish concert seem like a party in a fucking Jane Austen novel.
The internet has had scores of fun with the grease-paint kids over the video for their idols Jeebus-centric and impressively moronic "Miracles" (which, actually confirms EVERYTHING Christopher Hitchens and Richard Dawkins have written about Christians) and last years viral promotion for the aforementioned gathering and now it's time to do it all over again.

While promoting their latest album, Devo said that their music was a response to witnessing the devolution of society and after watching that fucking 18 minute trailer can you believe that over two decades later we're still getting dumber as a populace?
I mean, who in their right fucking mind associates Gallagher with comedy? Or would pay him money to smash watermelons? Coolio, the "Because I got High" dude (well, that makes sense considering that is how most of the Juggalos were skeeted into existence) ? AHAHAHAHAHA TONE LOC! And motherfucking Vanilla Ice? That dude still gets booked to perform a yo-core version of "Ice, Ice, Baby?" Oh shit, Ron Jeremy is gonna be there too!!! OOOOH! Maybe they'll duke it out over the Hedgehog stabbing Rob Van Winkle in the back on the Surreal Life. /fart noise
I called Black Nathan up after subjecting my glazzies to this shit and told him that there were actually a few bands booked that were good. I doubt anyone dumb enough to devote themselves to the Insane Clown Posse (reread that sentence and let that sink in for a bit)would be stoked on seeing Rob Base, Above the Law, Slick Rick or members of the Wu-Tang Clan. Yup, Method Man and Redman are performing and that does sadden me. That's fucking Cheese from the Wire. Does he really need the cash that bad to subject himself to this fucking asstastic excuse for a festival? You're off the team, homie. Rza, man, you know what you gotta do. Wu-Tang is for the children and you'd be failing them if you didn't recreate this:

Al Qaeda, Hezbollah, Ahmadinejad, L. Ron Hubbard, please aim your nukes at these fucking dolts. Or, airdrop more condoms than South Africa handed out for the World Cup.

We're Back

Expect some new posts soon and a link to myself talking mad shit on a Podcast. But, since I'm going on vacation and am about to walk out on my job (hopefully getting another doing something I'm stoked on), I've got plenty of ranting to do. An aside, fucking die Ryan Murphy. So, hang tight. The Jihad continues shortly.

On Constantly Dealing with Mouth Breathers, Part One

Working in a bookstore can be an odd gig because you get a steady stream of people who are looking for something to recieve information from yet don't seem to be capable of tying their own shoes or wiping their ass properly (I clean the bathrooms. This is a fair fucking assessment). The most constant request the staff recieve goes something like this. Customer: Hi, I'm looking for a book. Me: Sure, which one? Customer: Here's the thing. I don't know the title, I don't know the author but I know it has a blue cover! Well, why the fuck didn't you say so?!?! Let me take you right where we put ALL the blue books! Shit no, we don't organize these alphabetically by something as random as the author! We color cordinate these bitches so your mongoloid ass can find the 48 Laws of Power without having to exert the precious mental capabilities you barely possess to comprehend the simplistic bullshit Robert Greene is throwing at you. Me: Uh, I'm gonna need a little more information like, maybe, could you tell me what it's about. Customer: I don't know except I think I saw it on TV but it's definitely blue. Me: Sorry, without information beyond the color of the cover I can't help you find that book. Customer: Really? YES! YES, YOU FUCKING MORON! I CAN'T JUST PULL BLUE BOOKS OUTTA MY ASS AS OFTEN AS I HAVE PRAYED FOR THE ABILITY. So, I go through that about 50 times a day but it's the phone customers that really take the cake in their idiocy. Yesterday, after fielding inquiries from dolt after dolt I got two phone calls that made my right palm kiss my forehead. Here we go.

The I'm in Desperate Need of Help Scoring Gash but I'm too Embarassed to come in pick up The Game Asshole

Me: Generic Tomes in the Galleria how can I help you?

Customer: Uh, uh, yeah. I tried calling that store downtown ya'll had.

Me: Yeah, it closed at the end of last month.

Customer: YEAH! Did ya'll buy 'em out?

Me: What? No, we're the same company they just decided that joint wasn't making enough money.

Customer: Oh, okay. Hey, let me ask you something. If there was a book I was looking for would you be able to tell me if you had it?

This happens all the fucking time. At times, I'm tempted to just say no and let the idiot go back to playing with their poop. But, I never do. How in the fuck do you think we could keep track of all the shit we have in the store if we didn't have the ability to search and see if it existed without the aid of computers? Back to the conversation.

Me: Yeah, what do you want?

Customer: Uh, well, there's this book by a guy named Neil Strauss called...

Me: The Game. You're looking for the how to pick up chicks book.

Customer: WHAT? Uh, uh, is that what it's about?

Me: Yeah, man. The book is about how to score with random chicks. Hang on and I'll grab a copy.

In the interim I proceed to make fun of this asshat with my co-workers for a few minutes even though the book is 5 feet away. I always fuck with people who come in and ask for the Game. They should all be sterilized except none of them are ever going to sniff vag even if they read the book and execute all strategies to full efficacy. If you have to buy a book that helps you dupe some poor lass into opening up her gash then let me save you the trouble and help you find a croaker for roofies. There is slightly less dignity in that.

Me: Okay, I've got the book who should I put it on hold for?

Customer: Let me ask you something first. Are you IN the Galleria or NEAR the Galleria or AROUND the Galleria or BY the Galleria?

Me: Like I said when I answered the phone, we're in the Galleria.

I'm not always this big of a dick when people ask this question (and boy is it a popular one) but I have a special brand of hatred reserved for people coming in for The Game.

Customer: Let me ask you something. Could I find this book online?

Me: Yes, through the wonders of technology almost anything available in our store is just a mouse click away from being yours!

Customer: So, I would just, like, search Neil Strauss and The Game and I'd be able to find it?

Me: Yup! Just like magic! Now who should I put the book on hold for?

Customer: Uh, do you have, like, a lot of them? Or is that the last one?

Me: We surprisingly have a good number of the title.

Customer: Uh, oh, well, then I'll just come by when it's not as busy and get it.

I hang up the phone. Thank you for wasting 10 minutes of my time. If that's the effort you're going to exert towards getting laid just go ahead and by a Fleshlight. It'll save the humiliation.

Rock n Roll Finally Gets a Win in 2010!

Punknews.org is reporting that the pretentious snoozefest known as the Killers will be going on "indefinite hiatus" (just fucking break up...or better yet, drink a bottle of bleach and vomit allover your past masters) following a couple of shows in Austrailia. Usually, this would be enough for me to go "FUCK YEAH!" and leave it at that. But no, these cockbags had to put out a pretentious little explanation that I will now go FireJoeMorgan style on.
From guitarist (they have one of those in that band?)Dave Keuning:
I'm not sure if people are aware of it but these are probably our last shows for a while.
I'm not sure people still cared you were a band since they've now been told by Rolling Stone and Spin that the Kings of Leon are where they are to herded. But thanks for letting us know the location of the final shows so I can finally let Anwar al-Awlaki know what he has to do get his 40 virgins.
We haven't had a break in quite a while. It's just been touring and making records and on and on and on.
Wow, sounds like a total bummer. You know, getting to travel across the globe with your friends while getting paid for being the soundtrack to Ecstacy overdoes and date rapes, all the groupies lining up from dawn til dusk to blow you pathetic New Order wannabes and then having to take a break from it all to get paid to shit out 12 tracks on a synthesizer over 6 moths must really be taking its toll your ability to enjoy life! Won't somebody leave these geniuses alone to nurture their tortured souls!
It's been like six years just kind of connected together.
You mean like being in a band? And one that tours? Yeah, I think that's what he means. However, we could always hope they'd had been connected like this and we never would've had to suffer Hot Mess or whatever the fuck that record was called.
It's like people just expect us to do that non-stop till we die,
No, no, no, you got that wrong, bro. We just want you to stop AND die. You don't have to do both at the same time but whenever your ready, sporto!
but we just want a little bit of time off, just to be myself and do what I want to do for a little bit.
So you didn't want to be in a band, make records, tour, live in the shadows of that blowhard dicksmoker Brandon Flowers? Then why didn't you quit? I know, you'd lose the ability to score hipster/yuppie tang and all but if that's really how you've felt about the last six years in your band then the music you have produced makes a helluva lot more fucking sense.

Jay Debauchery's Top 10 Records of 2009

Sorry this is a tad late but...whatever.
10. Vee Dee - Public Mental Health System (Criminal IQ)
I've dug everything this Chicago band has put out so far but those albums and singles were pretty much straight ahead fuzzed out punk with the songs clocking in around the 2 minute mark. With Public Mental Health System these guys have gone into full on Stooges overload with a heavy dose of psychedelia thrown in for good measure. I still think Furthur is still tops but I dig where these guys are going and can't wait to hear what's next.


9. Obits - I Blame You (Sub Pop)
So, Hot Snakes are kaput but at least John Reis started another band (The Night Marchers, who are killer but I sure would like another Sultans record) but what about partner in crime (Drive Like Jehu, Pitchfork) Rick Froberg? He started Obits and their record has been one of the most criminally ignored albums of last year.


8. Social Circkle - City Shock (No Way)
Awesome, snotty 80's style hardcore punk.


7. Smith Westerns - ST (HoZac)
Like a glorious mix of shoegazer and early Bomp! records material. The Smith Westerns are pretty young (between 17-19 when this was recorded) which is pretty shocking that, you know, teenagers now want to ape Nuggets-style rock instead of Owl City. Thank the fuck christ for that.


6. The Spits - IV (Thriftstore)
The Spits never disappoint. I think this might be their best record of synth drenched Killed by Death punk weirdness yet.


5. Thee Oh Sees - Help (In the Red)
John Dwyer fucking rules. Pink and Brown, Coachwhips (come on John, the last record was killer so give us just one more), and the Hospitals are all rad bands this man is responsible for. And now he ventures into less noisy, brit-psychedelic terrain and it's just killer.


4. Them Crooked Vultures - ST (DGC)
Dave Grohl, Josh Homme and John Paul Jones have successfuly created the first rock supergroup that doesn't suck donkey balls. This record fucking slays.


3. Pissed Jeans - King of Jeans (Sub Pop)
Everyone was on this bands nutsack when Hope for Men came out and now no one cares. Why? Pissed Jeans are one of the few bands around doing justice to the Jesus Lizard's sound.


2. Marked Men - Ghosts (Dirtnap)
This is bittersweet because it is probably the last Marked Men album we're ever going to get. Sure, you can say "indefinite hiatus" but I don't buy it. And I'm super bummed because the Marked Men have been one of the best bands around for the 00's not to mention the best band spawned from Texas.


1. Future of the Left - Travels with Myself and Another (4AD)
mclusky is one of my favorite bands of all time so when Falco and co. put a new record out, no matter what the band is named, you can bet your ass I'll be the first one to throw some cash down. Buddyhead sums it up the best:"There are very few bands out there that are writing songs this well-constructed and instantly memorable and there are NO bands out there that sound this fucking punk while doing it. Take notes kids, this band has being rad down to a science."

This is Fucking Awesome

What can I say about the absolute cockbag known as Mike Love that this video left out? NOTHING! Remember, kids, this is the fucktard that actually thinks "Kokomo" is not only a good song but one worthy of having "The Beach Boys" being associated with hits horridness. Fuck him with a gun.

Benefit for Tim O'Brien

I've known Tim O'Brien since the Stay Sick column ran at the Daily Cougar and he has always been one of the most sincere and kind music journalists I've ever met. This guy lives rock 'n' roll, never hesitates to help bands out and continually supports young writers and bands. That's how we met.
Tim had read my column and Please Kill Yourself and we became friends fastly over our mutual love of Guitar Wolf. I don't think I would've ever had word one printed in the Houston Press or elsewhere afterward if it weren't for Tim. Not only did he constantly encourage my (often times) juvenile piss and vinegar literary onslaughts but he helped me to become a better writer. When Please Kills Yourself was in it's infancy, Tim was always willing to lend a column or two to beef up the rag and to add to its credibility. His enjoyment and faith in me as a writer helped me keep things moving.
So, I got this flyer to show you and therefore ask for your help in aiding one of the most passionate and talented music writers Houston has unleashed upon the world.
I'll make you folks a deal in case a list of rad bands and a noble cause doesn't peel your banana: come out, pay the cover and you get a beer and a shot on me, Jay Debauchery. Of course, you've got to mention PKY (or else I will have every other asshole asking for a free beer and a shot) cause I ain't made of money. But, if my weak stab at baiting can convince you to throw a few extra bucks towards Tim, his family and his health then I'm down with that and will gladly foot the bill.