Sunday, July 18, 2010

Terrorists, Please Aim at Cave Rock, Illinois

ICP is a band that for some reason has a ravenous fanbase that laps up whatever shit sandwich they're served. These troglodytes (the Houston chapter has left death threats on my phone over an article I wrote in the Daily Cougar years ago ragging on them), who are known as Juggalos, celebrate their collective stupidity, inbreeding and lack of shame with an annual festival called The Gathering of the Juggalos. You might think it's odd that white trash horrorcore-rap enthusiasts would cop a term from hippies for their event but keep in mind these people make the hygene, appearance and overall IQ at a Phish concert seem like a party in a fucking Jane Austen novel.
The internet has had scores of fun with the grease-paint kids over the video for their idols Jeebus-centric and impressively moronic "Miracles" (which, actually confirms EVERYTHING Christopher Hitchens and Richard Dawkins have written about Christians) and last years viral promotion for the aforementioned gathering and now it's time to do it all over again.

While promoting their latest album, Devo said that their music was a response to witnessing the devolution of society and after watching that fucking 18 minute trailer can you believe that over two decades later we're still getting dumber as a populace?
I mean, who in their right fucking mind associates Gallagher with comedy? Or would pay him money to smash watermelons? Coolio, the "Because I got High" dude (well, that makes sense considering that is how most of the Juggalos were skeeted into existence) ? AHAHAHAHAHA TONE LOC! And motherfucking Vanilla Ice? That dude still gets booked to perform a yo-core version of "Ice, Ice, Baby?" Oh shit, Ron Jeremy is gonna be there too!!! OOOOH! Maybe they'll duke it out over the Hedgehog stabbing Rob Van Winkle in the back on the Surreal Life. /fart noise
I called Black Nathan up after subjecting my glazzies to this shit and told him that there were actually a few bands booked that were good. I doubt anyone dumb enough to devote themselves to the Insane Clown Posse (reread that sentence and let that sink in for a bit)would be stoked on seeing Rob Base, Above the Law, Slick Rick or members of the Wu-Tang Clan. Yup, Method Man and Redman are performing and that does sadden me. That's fucking Cheese from the Wire. Does he really need the cash that bad to subject himself to this fucking asstastic excuse for a festival? You're off the team, homie. Rza, man, you know what you gotta do. Wu-Tang is for the children and you'd be failing them if you didn't recreate this:

Al Qaeda, Hezbollah, Ahmadinejad, L. Ron Hubbard, please aim your nukes at these fucking dolts. Or, airdrop more condoms than South Africa handed out for the World Cup.

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