Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Thank the FUCK Christ...Blender is No More

Whew. It's like the Jihad for Rock 'N' Roll has won a small victory in that Blender Magazine will no longer be defiling music journalism. Yeah, those fuckers have folded and it really is for the best. Just look at all that garbage written on the cover (not to mention WHO is on the cover) and tell me Blender didn't need to go the way of the DoDo.
While it is good to have as many music mags out there covering different genres and styles and trying to spread what the writers feel is good music to the massess...Blender just wasn't one of them.
They focused more on hopping on trendy artists and spent way too much being celebutard starfuckers to ever write anything substantial about music. Nothing but endless bullshit lists, flavor of the month pop-culture stars (usually chicks with big tits...seriously, if you ever put Tila Tequila on your magazine cover you immediately lose all credibility in covering music and well, anything), and reviews so trite and pointless it often made you wonder whether the critics had ever actually listened to the disc in the first place.
Oh, yeah and they declared Perez Hilton the new Pitchfork once upon a time. That's not saying I like Pitchfork at all (I really fucking hate that site) but at least their writers are somewhat informed on music and aren't just sucking the corporate cock on new pop divas.
Blender was the bastard son of Maxim but for people who desperately wanted to be a part of the Abercrombie hipster music snob set and the world is a better place for its demise.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

You Would Assume I Would Write Something Totally Harsh and Fucking Cruel About A-Rod Before This...But...Here We Are

A. He has stuck his dick in post-Warren Beatty Madonna (and that ain't saying much).
B. He is on the most despised team in all of sports (American, that is).
C. His fans even can't stand his no-clutch performances in the post-season.
D. Heir Selig annointed him as the Golden Boy to save the game from the curse of Barry Bonds, the Roidcket and Big Mac and he comes up as guilty as the rest of them.
E. And then pictures like these.

Followed by his desperate success in quashing the revelation of what his favorite Madonna song is so he doesn't get hurt pussy in visiting stadiums.
What else could I say about this complete, total and utter twat-muffin? Alex Rodriguez bonds himself to narcissistically compulsive acts of wanton douchedom like AIDS bonds itself to T-Cells.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Disembowel Yourselves with Wooden Hooking Spoons, Otaku Enthusiasts

I cannot fucking stand Otaku. These, for those thankfully unaware, are manga (Japanese comic book) fanatics who are pretty much the bane of my existence at work.
Look, I'm an unapologetic nerd and have respect for other peoples genre fandom (except for the Twihards. Fucking die.) but these douchetards are some of the lamest motherfuckers ever to grace the planet. Should you be an avid reader of Naruto, Fruit's Basket, or anything resembling that retardedness here is why I hate the fact that your are in my bookstore.
Just like comics, records, baseball cards and your dad's subscription to Playboy, there are people who have collections of manga because they are so jazzed on the genre. Don't ask me why. Given that, please don't get upset when I tell you that you can't take the entire 57 book run of Tentacle Rape Happy Time Explosion off to TRY and finish before we close up shop. Yeah, folks. We have a couple of kids who spend just about 10 hours every fucking day in the store just reading manga. Of course, they don't work which is why they treat us like Manga Library Central but my hatred and obvious contempt for these losers is actually starting to drive them away.
Anyways, the reason I will allow to have two books off the shelf at a time is that there are people who come into the store and want to buy a series in bulks of 5 or 6. If Stunted Emotional Growth in My Chemical Romance Fan's 10-15 are in your pile while you're still reading #2, well, we don't get that money and the customer is upset. Oh, what is that? You're a customer? NO YOU ARE NOT. Customers come in with the potential to purchase items. You come in knowing damn well you'll never spend a fucking dime in the bookstore and only read our books because:
A. Comic shops kick your little emo assess out if they even catch you glancing at a page for more than a second (this is why with ALL series runs they only carry the first and last three). And
B. The public library (I'm told) has a shitty selection of manga.
So, from here on out you can pretty much guess I treat these kids like the cheap little creeps they are. It isn't just because they don't buy anything (shit, we get regulars in all the time who do the same that I don't mind), it's the fact that they horde shit people want to buy. Oh, and the fact that most of the kids are thieves.
When we received our loss results for the year we were all shocked to learn that books were higher than multimedia. I am confident most of that came from manga kids. Why? Because I find our (lame) security devices and shrink wrap and coding stickers for manga allover the goddamn store, tucked away in the darkest corners of a bookshelf. We have caught and banned more people for trying to rip manga or other Otaku product (toys, snacks, posters) than we have for stealing CD's. That's fucking impressive. Oh, and it's not just the Otaku shit they steal. These wretched souls have a strong preclivity for stealing sex books too. That, I can live with. At least they are getting some form of erotic stimulation other than a bare twat school girl getting her vag pounded by some ancient demons billion tentacle looking phallus.
And let's not forget that these kids damage fucking collectibles. No one is gonna buy a manga that has the front cover bent, the spine broken and grease and Bog knows what else smearing the pages. Recently, I've noticed a few of our regular beings with human similarities abusing these books and I'm now allowed to tell 'em that they have to buy the book or get out of the store...for good.
Unfortunately, I haven't had the chance to do that yet since these manga kids are so into their addiction they can't risk giving up a free score. But, they'll slip up and my world for 8 hours a day will be brighter. My advice to them is to grow the fuck up, start buying the shit they like or just move onto some new free form of avarice. There's always Internet porn.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009