Monday, November 28, 2011

Some Thoughts on Black Friday

For the first time in over 4 years I did not have to work Black Friday in retail. I'm really glad about that because this year, it seems, released the most batshit insane, caustic and totally irrational fucktard shoppers upon constantly berated retail workers. Yes, I'm still bitter about my experiences in retail but at least I worked in a store that didn't feature door buster deals and swarms of mouth-breathing "bargain hunters" who seem to value slightly marked down electronics over being decent human beings.
To be fair, this year we didn't have an employee trampled to death but there was still plenty of disgusting behavior on display to leave me thanking my lucky fucking stars that I was out of that game. The worst incident reported (aside from the usual parking lot robberies) was obviously the wretched cunt who pepper sprayed a crowd of people at a California Wal-Mart just to get at some goddamned discounted video games. When I read that from the comfort of my desk at work I instantly wished that she was either robbed in the parking lot for all her shit or when eventually identified smacked with an assault charge for every customer who got hit with the spray (you might think I'm being a little extreme here but if you haven't been hit with mace before than you don't know just how agonizing it is). Nope, she got to make her purchases and leave without being caught. Sure, she turned herself in (almost 24 hours after the incident and probably because she figured it would lessen her punishment when her identity was eventually discovered) but that doesn't mitigate the fact that she decided the best way to get a "competitive shopping advantage" was to douse a crowd with a chemical weapon. Even more troubling about that was that she had her fucking kids with her! What a great example to set there, mom.
Of course, we shouldn't forget that a shopper died in a Target and was casually stepped over by the throngs of price conscious jackals. That's not as shocking to me as the pepper spray incident because after going through a liquidation you would not believe how narcissistic, entitled and inhumane these types of people can be. I had plenty of customers who were unable (or unwilling?) to read the fine print on going out of business deals and instantly lay into my poor co-workers when they pointed out the actual discount. Like, shouting at the top of their lungs, telling us to enjoy our unemployment, cursing, expressing joy in everyone losing their jobs...just truly awful examples of humanity. After experiencing all that and more I totally believe and I guess expect Black Friday shoppers to view the corpse of a man in the middle of a big box store only to shrug and head straight for the 550 inch plasma HD-TV without a second thought.
Bill Hicks once said on the subject of humanity that "We're a virus with shoes" and viewing our shopping behavior during Black Friday seems to confirm that assessment. So, allow me to rant about the bevy of assholes that make Black Friday one of the most embarrassing annual displays of greed that could only happen in America.
First off, you're an asshole if you go shopping on Black Friday. Hey, don't get mad. I just called a few of my friends, relatives and co-workers assholes, so please don't take that statement of fact personally. Retail is soul crushing, often thankless and just brutal fucking work. The holidays bring extra dread to everyone punching that clock. You swarming malls and stores like ravenous zombies all at once just makes everything worse for the workers. We all know we get less patient when amongst crowds and combine that with the hyper-competitive deal hunting that is encouraged via less than stellar sales and you get total fucking chaos.
Look at this video of people tearing into a fucking pallet of memory cards and cameras. Listen to the people blame the store (they're sort of right, more on how the stores fuck you and the employees over in a bit) and constantly push and shove to get just an inch closer during what must have been an unbearable four minute wait to get some shitty merchandise. A coworker who ventured out to a Wal-Mart said people were sneaking up to the pallets that had been dragged out and cutting them open early creating complete bedlam in the store. Considering that, I'm in total shock that somebody didn't get stabbed during Black Friday. And, of course, the customers take out all their frustrations at missing out on the ten video game bundles 2,000 other people wanted on the employees. Like it's their fault you missed out on a doorbuster deal.
But beyond the fact that Black Friday shoppers are in general all assholes we have to add special consideration for the ignorant fucktasters who bring their kids with them on these exciting turkey hangover excursions. We've already addressed the huge gash who pepper sprayed people with her future sociopaths in tow but what about the rest of these morons?
Every year it is well documented how violent, aggressive and uncaring the crowds are so why on Earth would you think it is acceptable to expose your children to this shit? There was a grandfather who got his face slammed into the ground trying to protect the kid from the crowds. In Houston, a two year old kid was apparently punched in the face by some shopaholic cunt. You'd think parents would leave their kids out of this wasteland of humanity.
The retailers are also to blame for how fucked up this society has become in regards to Black Friday but not for the reasons you might think. The day after Thanksgiving is the biggest shopping day of the year in America and knowing that people would be willing to buy a bag of dogshit at a .0001% discount just because it was available (or someone else was moving towards it) motivates the retail industry to offer marginal discounts on already jacked up merchandise in hopes of herding the sheep into their stores. They just tend to up the competitive spirit of the day but advertising 10 motherfucking TV's that 2,000 will show up to fight for knowing that they'll stick around and buy at least something not marked down.
And look at how Wal-Mart, the greatest criminal in this whole fiasco handled their stores. They trucked out wrapped pallets of highly coveted merchandise and dropped it on the floor expecting the early shoppers to patiently wait. What fucking planet are the upper management goons who came up with this game plan living on? Isn't it obvious that if you put something out on the sales floor it should be immediately available to the customers or else you end up creating a mob mentality? Fuck this entire day and everything it represents.
Let's face it, this country is pretty fucked right now. Even menial retail jobs are becoming harder to lock down and when we choose to force ourselves upon people who would rather be chilling with their families so that their mega-corps can gain a competitive advantage over a rival we're essentially encouraging them to keep cutting back basic perks while never upping salaries or the payroll hours expended. Wal-Mart, Target et. all will still reap huge rewards from this ludicrous group think that the best deals will ONLY be featured on Black Friday. So, as a former retail worker with many friends still toiling in its minefield, I plead with you to just stay the fuck home next Black Friday. Or shop Amazon. Because after the biggest Black Friday ever it seems pretty goddamned clear that you fucking jackals aren't going to stop acting like decent human beings anytime soon especially when that cuntrag with the pepper spray was excused for acting in self defense.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Someone Get Me Some Acid So I Can Enjoy the New Thee Oh Sees Record Properly

This band can do no wrong.


Let's skip the intro and bullshit and get right down to it: this woman is awesome and she needs some help. I hope the few readers of this blog can get down with that. For the details, I pass it on to Mrs. Carmen Reddy:
Carmen was able to get some awesome bands together and it should turn out to be a pretty righteous show. Add to that you've got the first Down 'N' Dirties show in 3 years! All you kids who are hip to Chris Gray and his love of the Hell City Kings better show up and check that shit out. My thanks goes out to everyone who pitched in and donated to aid Jasmine in her time of need. If you can't attend and want to send something over the internet message me and I will pass your info along to Mrs. Reddy.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Wedding DJ's are the Scum of the Earth: An Essay of Rage, Disappointment, and Pure Hatred

So, I got married last night. That was awesome. And from the outset Mrs. Debauchery said that the music duties would be handled by me and I was to fuck off from anything else involving the wedding (when her dietary issues came up along with the flux of vegetarian guests, I had to step up with the menu). I worked my ass off on making something that would work for all of our guests. And boy do they enjoy different music.
At a shower thrown by her aunt and uncle, we were subjected to Journey, Styx and all sorts of other horribleness that I've drank out of my memory. I was given specific requests that I felt I met very well. In addition, many of my friends insisted I not play too much punk or rowdy rock 'n' roll and include some soul and R & B. This was planned from the beginning along with country and rockabilly. I came up with 200 songs I was stoked for and was told by Mrs. Debauchery to narrow it down to 50 and for the last 3 days before the wedding, I tweaked the list and was very happy with the outcome. Would the guests at our wedding? We never got to find that out.
You see, the fuckhead DJ's took it upon themselves to decide what was best for our wedding and because of that, I hope they burn in Rock 'N' Roll Hell, listening to nothing but Lil' John, Nelly and the Black Eyed Peas. All of that horrible shit they inflicted upon my wedding guests.
Let's forget about them fucking up our exit from the ceremony and go ahead to the introduction of the parties. See, my groomsmen were supposed to be introduced to Turbonegro's "Get It On" which was super tits of Mrs. Debauchery to allow. Well, at the last minute the dipshits in charge of our wedding decided the parties should be combined and go in together. Knowing the bridesmaids would not enjoy walking into a reception to Death Punk, I told the fucktards at the DJ booth to just pick something random and to still play the entrance music for me and my bride. When the moment of truth music. So my boys and girls get lead in with no introduction to a crowd that doesn't realize they need to focus on them. A total clusterfuck. Mrs. Debauchery is pissed but I try to assure her us walking into Joey Ramone covering "What a Wonderful World" will rule and make everyone forget that bullshit and when the doors were flung upon...silence. These asshats just had to hit fucking play on a goddamn iPod and they fucked that up.
So, we walk in and all of a sudden the butt dumplings behind the DJ booth are fumbling around with my iPod and I figure, "Oh! Awesome. I'm about to hear the 'Mats and then the Undertones!" Yeah, instead, it was our first dance song. NO ONE told us that shit was going to happen. And then there was a shitload of Sinatra, which, I dig, BUT when those shitbirds played "New York, New York" I almost lost it (ya know, the whole Red Sox thing).
I stayed outside, chain smoking, until I finally heard a guitar that signified that the Runaways were on which meant my iPod had been activated. I rush inside and am confronted with the crushing reality of the Black Eyed Peas being played until Mrs. Debauchery rushed over and told them to cut that song off. This, is why we're married.
As many times as I tried to remind the pair of genital wart infested nutsacks that they needed to bounce back between my iPod and Mrs. Debauchery's list, I was constantly ignored. Instead of hearing Cheap Trick or Jerry Lee Lewis or Buddy Holly, we were subjected to a song about jizzing in chicks faces. Great, assholes. I saw you looking at my playlist with confusion but could you not just do your fucking jobs and just press play on the motherfucking iPod? Not only were our guests turned off by their musical choices, my mom begrudged the lack of Ramones and punk rock at my wedding. Mrs. Debauchery should've let me play some Turquoise Jeep if that's the hip-hop she wanted. At least it would've been listenable. I'm not even getting into the rancid modern country slop they spread across my ears.
Eventually, after the fifth fucking time I told them to play my wedding list they actually did! For ten minutes! When pressed, the DJ's said they were trying to keep the dance-floor filled and that they didn't think my music choices were conducive to a proper wedding reception. Oh really, dick for brains? How do you know what my guests will enjoy? I mean, I'm the one that knows them and their tastes not you! How do you know they aren't all hardcore Baptists who came from a town where a car full of teenagers died in a wreck on their way home from dancing? What if they had Parkinson's and didn't want to risk a fit on floor? Or maybe, just maybe, there are people who attend weddings who could give a fuck less about dancing. Y'know, enjoy meeting family, seeing old friends, hitting the bar and all that jazz. These DJ's were so full of shit that my friend, Rebecca went up and laid into them and said, "Can I get your information so I don't book you for my wedding?"
Bottom line is, wedding DJ's, assholes that you are: Your one job was to hit fucking play on my iPod. That's easy money. You were able to somewhat accommodate my bride but You don't have to think about what the guests want to hear because the people paying you could not care less about it. You are mere monkeys that only had to hit play. You proved yourselves incapable of performing that meager task when you skipped ahead midway through "Tessie" and then backtracked and started it over. What that says to me is that you don't know how to work an iPod. The fuck, guys? That is your chosen profession and you suck at that in such epic amounts it can't be fully understood by the public in this mere blog rant.
But the main reason I was so pissed about the DJ fuck ups wasn't because I didn't look cool because the music was lame. No, it's that I picked a very specific set of songs that I have strong personal attachments to in regards to my wife and friends. I didn't just throw shit onto a playlist to make me look like the god of music and I didn't flippantly ignore the fact that my musical tastes are way off base from most of the people at my wedding. I worked hard to create that balance and some cheesy asshat motherfuckin' cocksuckers who thought it'd be cute to have the theme from Rocky (I am not joking) playing while I removed my wife's garter (I would've chosen Joan Jett's "Do You Wanna Touch Me") didn't let my guests be the final judge. If people had streamlined up to the DJ booth to complain I would have understood that and dealt with it but instead they filed out the fucking door.
And the worst part was after I finally got them to play "The Body of an American" they got on board and played songs by bands who were actually on my playlist! I told them that and they just gave me blank looks. And no one bitched for the rest of the night. Kudos for vindicating me you pair of felch fiends and you and your ilk can all eat a bowl of fuck!
Here is the wedding playlist as it was intended. You can tell me if it would have ruined the evening or upset the vacant dance floor (save for the bridesmaids):
The Replacements - Can't Hardly Wait
The Undertones - Teenage Kicks
Small Faces - Sha-La-La-La-Lee
New York Dolls - Looking for a Kiss
The Ramones - She's the One
Nobunny - I am a Girlfriend
The Runaways - You Drive Me Wild
Sweet - Wig Wam Bam
Big Star - When My Baby's Beside Me
Alice Cooper - Be My Lover
Cheap Trick - Southern Girls
Jerry Lee Lewis - Lovin' Up a Storm
Buddy Holly - Rave On
The Cramps - Trapped Love
The Pogues - The Body of an American
Dropkick Murphys - Tessie
The Clash - Train in Vain (Stand by Me)
King Khan and the Shrines - Burnin' Inside
Johnny Thunders and the Heartbreakers - I Love You
The Devil Dogs - I'm Gonna Make You Mine
The Beach Boys - God Only Knows (1967 Rehearsal)
Sam Cooke - (What a) Wonderful World
Jimmy Cliff - Come Into My Life
Al Green - You Ought to be with Me
Sharon Jones and the Dap-Kings - I'll Still Be True
King Khan and the Shrines - Welfare Bread
Black Keys - Your Touch
The Pixies - Gigantic
The Action - She's Got My Heart
The Only Ones - Another Girl, Another Planet
Exploding Hearts - I'm a Pretender
Damone - On My Mind
The Wildhearts - Someone That Won't Let Me Go
The Muffs - A Little Luxury
The Queers - I Always Knew
The Unlovables - Doot Da Doot
Jawbreaker - Into You Like a Train
Generation X - Kiss Me Deadly
Davila 666 - Yo Seira Otro
Mark Sultan - Sweeter Than Wine
Buddy Holly - You've Got Love
Patsy Cline - You Belong to Me
Old 97's - You Belong to My Heart
T. Rex - Ballroom of Mars
The National - Bloodbuzz Ohio
The Phaetons - I Love My Baby
The Sonics - Do You Love Me
The Jam - Non Stop Dancing
Electric Six - Danger! High Voltage
Blondie - Atomic