Monday, November 28, 2011

Some Thoughts on Black Friday

For the first time in over 4 years I did not have to work Black Friday in retail. I'm really glad about that because this year, it seems, released the most batshit insane, caustic and totally irrational fucktard shoppers upon constantly berated retail workers. Yes, I'm still bitter about my experiences in retail but at least I worked in a store that didn't feature door buster deals and swarms of mouth-breathing "bargain hunters" who seem to value slightly marked down electronics over being decent human beings.
To be fair, this year we didn't have an employee trampled to death but there was still plenty of disgusting behavior on display to leave me thanking my lucky fucking stars that I was out of that game. The worst incident reported (aside from the usual parking lot robberies) was obviously the wretched cunt who pepper sprayed a crowd of people at a California Wal-Mart just to get at some goddamned discounted video games. When I read that from the comfort of my desk at work I instantly wished that she was either robbed in the parking lot for all her shit or when eventually identified smacked with an assault charge for every customer who got hit with the spray (you might think I'm being a little extreme here but if you haven't been hit with mace before than you don't know just how agonizing it is). Nope, she got to make her purchases and leave without being caught. Sure, she turned herself in (almost 24 hours after the incident and probably because she figured it would lessen her punishment when her identity was eventually discovered) but that doesn't mitigate the fact that she decided the best way to get a "competitive shopping advantage" was to douse a crowd with a chemical weapon. Even more troubling about that was that she had her fucking kids with her! What a great example to set there, mom.
Of course, we shouldn't forget that a shopper died in a Target and was casually stepped over by the throngs of price conscious jackals. That's not as shocking to me as the pepper spray incident because after going through a liquidation you would not believe how narcissistic, entitled and inhumane these types of people can be. I had plenty of customers who were unable (or unwilling?) to read the fine print on going out of business deals and instantly lay into my poor co-workers when they pointed out the actual discount. Like, shouting at the top of their lungs, telling us to enjoy our unemployment, cursing, expressing joy in everyone losing their jobs...just truly awful examples of humanity. After experiencing all that and more I totally believe and I guess expect Black Friday shoppers to view the corpse of a man in the middle of a big box store only to shrug and head straight for the 550 inch plasma HD-TV without a second thought.
Bill Hicks once said on the subject of humanity that "We're a virus with shoes" and viewing our shopping behavior during Black Friday seems to confirm that assessment. So, allow me to rant about the bevy of assholes that make Black Friday one of the most embarrassing annual displays of greed that could only happen in America.
First off, you're an asshole if you go shopping on Black Friday. Hey, don't get mad. I just called a few of my friends, relatives and co-workers assholes, so please don't take that statement of fact personally. Retail is soul crushing, often thankless and just brutal fucking work. The holidays bring extra dread to everyone punching that clock. You swarming malls and stores like ravenous zombies all at once just makes everything worse for the workers. We all know we get less patient when amongst crowds and combine that with the hyper-competitive deal hunting that is encouraged via less than stellar sales and you get total fucking chaos.
Look at this video of people tearing into a fucking pallet of memory cards and cameras. Listen to the people blame the store (they're sort of right, more on how the stores fuck you and the employees over in a bit) and constantly push and shove to get just an inch closer during what must have been an unbearable four minute wait to get some shitty merchandise. A coworker who ventured out to a Wal-Mart said people were sneaking up to the pallets that had been dragged out and cutting them open early creating complete bedlam in the store. Considering that, I'm in total shock that somebody didn't get stabbed during Black Friday. And, of course, the customers take out all their frustrations at missing out on the ten video game bundles 2,000 other people wanted on the employees. Like it's their fault you missed out on a doorbuster deal.
But beyond the fact that Black Friday shoppers are in general all assholes we have to add special consideration for the ignorant fucktasters who bring their kids with them on these exciting turkey hangover excursions. We've already addressed the huge gash who pepper sprayed people with her future sociopaths in tow but what about the rest of these morons?
Every year it is well documented how violent, aggressive and uncaring the crowds are so why on Earth would you think it is acceptable to expose your children to this shit? There was a grandfather who got his face slammed into the ground trying to protect the kid from the crowds. In Houston, a two year old kid was apparently punched in the face by some shopaholic cunt. You'd think parents would leave their kids out of this wasteland of humanity.
The retailers are also to blame for how fucked up this society has become in regards to Black Friday but not for the reasons you might think. The day after Thanksgiving is the biggest shopping day of the year in America and knowing that people would be willing to buy a bag of dogshit at a .0001% discount just because it was available (or someone else was moving towards it) motivates the retail industry to offer marginal discounts on already jacked up merchandise in hopes of herding the sheep into their stores. They just tend to up the competitive spirit of the day but advertising 10 motherfucking TV's that 2,000 will show up to fight for knowing that they'll stick around and buy at least something not marked down.
And look at how Wal-Mart, the greatest criminal in this whole fiasco handled their stores. They trucked out wrapped pallets of highly coveted merchandise and dropped it on the floor expecting the early shoppers to patiently wait. What fucking planet are the upper management goons who came up with this game plan living on? Isn't it obvious that if you put something out on the sales floor it should be immediately available to the customers or else you end up creating a mob mentality? Fuck this entire day and everything it represents.
Let's face it, this country is pretty fucked right now. Even menial retail jobs are becoming harder to lock down and when we choose to force ourselves upon people who would rather be chilling with their families so that their mega-corps can gain a competitive advantage over a rival we're essentially encouraging them to keep cutting back basic perks while never upping salaries or the payroll hours expended. Wal-Mart, Target et. all will still reap huge rewards from this ludicrous group think that the best deals will ONLY be featured on Black Friday. So, as a former retail worker with many friends still toiling in its minefield, I plead with you to just stay the fuck home next Black Friday. Or shop Amazon. Because after the biggest Black Friday ever it seems pretty goddamned clear that you fucking jackals aren't going to stop acting like decent human beings anytime soon especially when that cuntrag with the pepper spray was excused for acting in self defense.

No comments: