Despite ESPN's Efforts, Stephen A. Smith is Still Heckled

I only look forward to the NBA draft because of the Stephen A. Smith Heckling Society of Gentlemen. ESPN broke my heart this year when they announced that THE MOST IMPORTANT BLACKBERRY COLUMNIST would be reduced to lesser activities. I worried the hecklers wouldn't turn out and I would deprived of another 10 minutes wasted on YouTube. Oh, I was wrong.
This is not as brilliant as last years video but Kenny Smith, the O.J. Mayo line and Stephen A. Smith's letter to ESPN made cinematic magic happen. Enjoy.

Happy Birthday, Black Nathan

Everyone who writes here love Black Nathan, for better or worse. He is, quite frankly, one of the most caustic motherfuckers I have ever met in my life. A true bastard in every sense of the word who seemingly lives only to piss off to the brink of violence anyone he comes into contact with.
And that is primarily why I adore him. Nathan doesn't give a fuck about telling you off if you try to edge your way into a conversation he's engaged in. He'll tell you to go kill yourself during that attempt and then he will surely drop some random, geek bomb of knowledge on you in an effort to make you feel inane and small. Because, in Nathan's mind, you're too fucking stupid to know who shaved the ball hairs of Kurosawa during Ran and should have never tried to talk to him in the first place. And this son of a bitch who proudly sports t-shirts that read "Just researching my novel" knows it will only enrage and confuse you.
This man, now of 28 years, exemplifies one of my favorite Charles Bukowski quotes.
From Barfly:
Jane: I hate people. Do you hate people?
Chinaski: No, but I seem to feel better when they're not around.
For better or worse (usually, the latter you ginger Vikings appologist), I love you brother. Despite your hatred for the Red Sox.

Couldn't You Have Gone for Drayton, Shawn?

Whoah. Shawn Chacon had been pretty upset with the Astros lately after being moved to the bullpen. It all culminated in Chacon throwing GM Ed Wade to the ground yesterday and now he is suspended indefinitely by the Astros.
From Astros.com:
"He started yelling and cussing," Chacon told the Chronicle. "I'm sitting there and I said to him very calmly, 'Ed, you need to stop yelling at me. Then I stood up and said, 'You better stop yelling at me.' I stood up. He continued and was basically yelling and stuff and was like, 'You need to ... look in the mirror.' So at that point I lost my cool and I grabbed him by the neck and threw him to the ground. I jumped on top of him because at that point I wanted to beat his (ed note: I'm not going to use the alternate, newpaper friendly word here) ass ... Words were exchanged."
Don't worry about him though. If Milton Bradley (wife beater), Elijah Dukes (Gatorade hurler), Jeff Kent (hates black people), or Brett Myers (another wife beater) can still find employment in the major leagues then Shawn should have no problem getting on another club.
Of course, it's fair to share the blame with Ed Wade on this one. Even after Chacon refused to go into the manager's office he shouldn't have unleashed the fury in front of the rest of the team. He should have gone and gotten Coop, but, after Shawn's little bitch fit with the pitching coach maybe this whole sorry mess would've happened no matter what. Hey, at least our rotation sucks a little less now!

R.I.P. George Carlin

You will be missed. Let's hope comics get angry again. Lord knows there's enough out there to be pissed off about. Shit, some people are JUST getting around to recycling Bill Hicks material. And hey, Denis Leary isn't even one of them!

FUCK, YEAH!

That's it. Europe is no longer a band you can cover. After having headbanging cellists rock it and now the Toy Dolls, "The Final Countdown" is now off limits. Holy shit, this is inspired.

Jay Debauchery is Fucking Ill

I feel like Mary-Kate Olson right now. You know, huge fucking head and no body underneath. I'm sick as shit and it all hit me over the weekend. I think it's the Yankees fault. Yeah, let's go with that.
This is why the posts have been so poorly written (at least by my non-standards) and random. All kidding aside, I do want to collapse right now and never wake up. Yeah, it's only a wicked cold but in the summer time coupled with Houston humidity it feels like death. There will be lack of content until I can get straight. But do not worry, the Dead Kennedy is on his way over with magic green tea (not the kind Willie Nelson digs) and Emergen-C. 'Til that happens, I'm gonna sweat it out on the couch.

Fuck You, Drayton Mclane

After jacking up ticket prices for the depressing series agains the Evil Empire you just had to stick up your second middle finger in the faces of every loyal Astros fan. You had to stock the rival team's merchandise in our house. Fuck you, stick to groceries and please free our team from your idiocy.
Purpura, man, that is my argument. Oh and how about pushing Hunsicker out? Huh, what are the Ray's doing now? Yeah, you know how to run a ballclub as well as I know how erase the 2005 World Series.
You want this team to be a champion today, cocksucker? Quit kissing Selig's ass for starters. How about learning from Theo Epstein or even trying to push our tenative (I'm using that as a complement) fans to act like they live in a real baseball town? So many Pettite and Clemens jersey's circa 2005 on display Sunday.
You will never see Cubs hats on the concourse in St. Louis or an A-Rod jersey for sale on Yawkey Way. But, you know, we've got fans that come to games in Blue Jays and Reds hats when neither team is playing. It's still disgusting for you to rake cash from rival fans in your team's stadium.
As much as I love the Astros, I'm so happy to have passed on re-upping my season tickets. Sure, I want to watch the games and root for the team but if it means lining your pockets any further then I hope you and Bud Adams take a plane ride with an Uruguayan football club real soon.

Whoa. I'm a Prognosticator!

So after the bullshit Gomes and Co. pulled on the Red Sox centerfielder named after a cereal, I wrote, "I hope Papelbon takes their fucking heads off next time they meet." Looks like it's gonna happen!
From ESPN.com:
"In my opinion, it is a bunch of bull what they did," Papelbon said on "Mohegan Sun Sports Tonight" on Comcast Sportsnet, referring to last week's brawl between the two teams. "All I got to say is what comes around goes around, man. Payback's a b----, I'll tell you what.In my opinion, and the way I feel right now, this thing isn't all settled and done," Papelbon said. "We still got to play them a few more times. And I know when we go into Tropicana things will be a little different than when went in there last time."
It's frightening that I can see into the future. And if I were any member of the Ray's, I'd be scared shitless. Papelbon is fucking bat-shit crazy and throws hard. Oh, and if he doesn't give a fuck that his dog ate the game ball from the last World Series how do you think he feels about throwing at people? Shit, he is so out of it he might just start hurling fastballs into the Ray's dugout. Ooh, let's hope I'm right again!

R. Kelly Has Grounds for Appeal

Holy shit. How in the FUCK do you let your attorney go off and make this his closing statement. I guess we shouldn't scratch our heads to the point of scabbing since this trial has pretty much sealed the R & B singer's fate but...whoah. From Hitsville.org:
Speaking after prosecutors had showed the jury the notorious sex tape at the center of the case one last time, defense attorney Sam Adam Jr said that the girl on the tape had accepted cash before performing a series of sex acts.
Showing the jury a studio photograph of the alleged victim on a large screen, he then told them that if they were going to find Kelly guilty of 14 counts of child pornography, “you are going to have to call (the alleged victim) 14 times individually and collectively a whore.”
Barely audible, he whispered, “My momma told me when we were kids, ‘if you ain’t got something nice to say about someone, don’t say it about her.”
He concluded his argument saying, “How are you 14 times going to call her a whore?”
So let me get this straight. If you convict R. Kelly of pissing on an underage girl you, the jury, are thereby categorizing the girl a whore? Um, makes sense. Not much of an argument there considering she took money for services obviously rendered. Yes, she whored herself but that still doesn't excuse Mr. Kelly from fucking and then urinating on an UNDERAGE girl. Yeah, I give my permission to the prosecuting attorney's to use this as their closing argument. I dropped out of college and in no universe would I ever posit a defense this retarded.

You Want Further Proof 99% of Yankees Fans are Dickpigs? I've Got it!

That 1% I'm talking about in the headline is solely reserved for my father. Because, you know, he's a bronzed cat who loves to sit outside all day reading. Of course, I'm the exact opposite. Pale as I can fucking be without my veins looking like I've just gone through dialysis. Um, yeah, so how do you think these cretins are gonna feel about Minute Maid Park this weekend if the roof is open? From the AOL FanHouse:
It's not every day that a cloud gets the biggest cheers at Yankee Stadium.Fans showed their approval today when a cloud moved in front of the sun during the fifth inning of the Yankees-Royals game. They booed moments later when the sun returned.
Wow. And A-Rod didn't even get some ribbing from the bleachers? I told a few people at work about this tonight and they don't give a sugar coated fuck about baseball but they all laughed hard. Why not boo the grass the next time Jeter catches a bad hop? And who the fuck are New Yorkers to complain about the heat? Live in Texas for a summer and see how your viewpoint shifts. Fuck, at least those pricks have seasons. We just have varying degrees of heat and humidity.
Now, let's get to the heart of this thing. I started this post out as a simple means to once again rag against the team and fans I loathe more than anything else in sports (yeah, I'm putting Lakers fans behind these schmucks). But, with the Astros about to go against the Evil Empire I am reminded of the tepidness of Houston fans.
This series is big for us. The Yanks are on the ropes in the AL East and are prime to be shelled. They have very vulnerable pitching and a bullpen weakened without the presence of Joba. If the Astros can stand tall here we have high hopes of giving the Red Sox a go. Tough back to back series for our boys. But, the key importance here is fandom. The Nation travels extremely well but every 50 Cent fan from Pasadena will probably be sporting NY gear at the games. It's crucial that we finally quit being the bitches of NL (like when the Cubs are in town) and let the Yankees fans know to shut their fucking mouths and get the hell outta our house. Same goes for the Boston series (yeah, I just wrote that but at least Red Sox fans know something about the game other than Reggie Jackson or the number of rings the team has won).
Don't be polite, passive or patronizing. Let the fuckers know where you stand and bite back at them. Let's get loud and make the bastards regret sporting rival colors in our stadium and certainly not let them forget they are a part of a group who booed the sun. AKA Cavemen. Step it up, Houston.

I Can TOTALLY Do This

Jonny Gomes and Carl Crawford are Pussies

Way back, I believe in spring training, Tampa Bay Rays starter Jonny Gomes tackled the Evil Empire's Shelly Duncan after a hard slide. It was bush league bullshit and now he can add more to his resume of douchebaggery.
If you'd been following the Sox/Rays series that just ended last night, you know that Coco Crisp pretty much begged to be pegged with a pitch after the theatrics in game 2 of the series. Well, he got his wish when James Shields hit him on the hip and thus proceeded to charge the mound. Benches cleared and...aw fuck it...let's go to the video!

I can only imagine what happened to the lone Rays fans in the stands after that. (Shudders). So, we can clearly see Crips pulling some Ali shit with his dodge which is awesome but what pisses me off about this is Gomes and Crawford coming down to the mound to punch and scratch at Crisp while he is ON THE GROUND.
Rule #1 in baseball brawls is that you don't swing at someone til they come at you. You never jump the motherfucker. That is some pussy shit right there. But, Coco can sum up my feelings better in his own words.

I hope Papelbon takes one of their fucking heads off the next time they meet.

Hooray! Another Reason to Despise Johnny Rotten!

It's no secret that I wish nothing less than death ala the intro to Foucault's Discipline and Punish on one John Lydon. He's just so full of shit and every time he tries to make some sort of pseudo-intellectual statement all I can hear in the back of my head is, "Ever get the feeling that you've been cheated?" And yet I still love the Sex Pistols. Yeah, I can't figure it out, either.
Anyhoo, King Dipshit is now being sued for punching his assistant. Because of a hotel room. This is the same Mr. Lydon who greatly screamed poverty and misery in his biography Rotten: No Blacks, No Irish, No Dogs and tried to espouse a working class ethos in his politics and music. Of course, he is married to an uber rich daughter of a baron so I guess things like star treatment and having your own narcissism gracefully indulged are pretty big priorities to this lad.
From Punknews.org:
Roxane Davis, a former reality-TV show producer has sued the Sex Pistols Johnny Rotten for assault and battery, claiming he slugged her in the face because he was unhappy with the Los Angeles hotel room she secured for him during a shoot last year. She is also suing the company she was working for at the time, Bodog Music Ltd., contending her bosses ignored her concerns when she complained about Rotten's behavior.
According to a suit filed Wednesday in L.A. Superior Court, the producer was working on Fuse's Bodog Battle of the Band where Rotten was a judge. The worst incident involves Rotten's assistant Jon Stevens and Rotten's apparent frustration that the two did not have adjoining rooms in the hotel. When discovering this, he allegedly "cocked back his fist to strike Ms. Davis and punched her in the face."
Okay, I'm not gonna make a joke here about how reality show producers should be punched hourly on principal. I'm restraining myself here. But, the funny thing is that this sad motherfucker is actually judging people on talent involving music? If anyone who was a Sex Pistol should be evaluating musical ability it should be Steve Jones. If Nevermind the Bollocks doesn't make that argument well enough because you can't get past Rotten's vox then listen to "Silly Thing," "Lonely Boy," or "Friggin' in the Riggin'" from the Great Rock 'N' Roll Swindle. Has Lydon ever tried to listen to the sheer awfulness that is PIL? This fucker knows as much about music as I know about quantum physics. Once again, we await for Mr. Lydon's piss and vinegar retort and another rant about my hatred of the cunt. "The Ci-ircle of life!"

8Bit Gave Me a Heart Attack and Sent Me Drowning My Soul in Jameson to Fight Off Death

WHEN THE FUCK DID THIS HAPPEN? Wait, let me take another shot...whew...I'm good now.
Okay, will sports writers please stop conjuring stories up out of nothing just to get readers. We all know newspapers are a dying medium (if the last season of the Wire didn't hit it home enough then Microsoft's CEO's assessment should make it clear) but this shit is just getting out of hand.
There is plenty to write about concering ANY MLB team so when pompous ass columnists (note: does Deadspin ever pull shit like this? Fuck you, very much Bissinger) are bored and starved for inspiration they pull out the controversy card to get themselves on ESPN. Jay Marriotti made a career out of it. Now, Eric Wilbur joins the douchebag ranks.
He posits a theory that the Red Sox should conisder hiring Barry Bonds since Big Papi is on the DL and might miss the season. Oh, and let's not forget that EVERYONE involved with the Sox, including the injured player, see no reason for surgery or immediate panic. This is simply a case of someone with access and privelage to the team making mountains out of hills to spur readership. Believe me, if there were ever anyone rumblings about Bonds even farting in the direction of Boston, ESPN would've spent weeks working the non-story like CNN did with Jeremiah Wright. And since 8Bit's post on the subject, the Red Sox have come out saying, "That's a negatory, Ghostwriter" to that insane speculation. It makes no sense.
Why bring cancer into a healthy clubhouse? Theo Epstein and the entire organization are way to clever to fall for the quick fix. How did they get to the powerhouse positon they're at now (I've waited two decades to write that)? Drafting smart. They have scores of kids in Pawtuckett killing the ball and if Jacoby Ellsbury can't get full playing time because they're trotting Coco Crisp out as trade bait, then why not let the kid get some more knocks in? Anyways, Nancy still needs to work his way back and is starting to become steadily productive.
The point is, the Red Sox don't need to run out and sign a player who might start serving a sentence before the Fall season. They're built too deep in offense to be desperate enough to take on some fucktard who hates the city he would be playing for. It's a non-issue at this point, but the speculation and debate over this whole non-story does bring up an interesting point. How are you supposed to accept a former enemy as a member of your team? Sure, there is no historical beef between the Red Sox and Bonds but let's face it, he's probably still the most hated man in baseball. Of course in Boston, Clemens still reigns supreme.
Cubs fans are having to deal with this sort of akward embracing of a fan non-favorite as we speak everytime Jim Edmonds dons the uniform. The Big Bitch, Trapper and I discussed this during the Astros' recent homestand and could not fathom how just because a player changes uniforms, it can become so easy to forgive them for past transgressions against your team. I couldn't handle it if A-Rod ended up going to the Sox and so help me if Uncle Drayton EVER considered bringing on someone from the 2005 White Sox, there would be blood. Imagine Carlos Boozer in a Rockets jerzey next year. Yikes! The only team that seems to be comfortable with that whole shabang is the Yankees. Johnny Damon is in the other dugout during the greatest choke job in sports history but when he crosses the line fans are sporting "Welcome to New York, Johnny" t-shirts like nothing ever happened. The overall quandry here that comes with being a sports fan is ultimately having no control over the proceedings (well, unless you boo loud enough at an Astros game Drayton is at. Ask Tim Purpurra about how that works) and being given the choice of sticking by your team or abandoning them all together. We all know how hard it is to do the latter.
But with Bonds, it's an entirely different and understandable matter. The guy is a scumbag, a racist, a selfish twat who rarely showed any appreciation for the game even in his youth. Look back on the shit he pulled in college when he was voted off the team, then the coach re-instated him so as not to recieve another on the grass visit from Papa Bonds and his convertable during practice and tell me you would actually want this guy to don your team's colors. It says a lot when the lone area of the world you have rooters in doesn't want you back and is slowly removing the traces of your career in the stadium.
Bonds is done, the union can do whatever the fuck it wants trying to find him employment but the fact remains he is in the same pariah class as Rose, McGwire, Canseco, and now Clemens. Let's put these dumb rumors and speculations to rest for now and focus on the stories that do exist, like how is Daisuke doing on his rehab?

A Barry Big Decision

http://www.boston.com/sports/columnists/wilbur/2008/06/03/a_barry_big_debate/
All I have to say is that if this happens, I am burning anything and everything BoSox and will be sporting Yanks gear come the road trip in September. Granted there was speculation earlier in the season about Roy O going to the Yanks, and that did not pan- this is a little different. There is a reason why MLPA has stepped in to petition for Bonds' case in not being resigned. No one wants the baggage. I wouldn't. That is why I think McClain's notions of not completely disregarding bringing back Clemens is as asinine as this Bonds to Boston talk.
Theo- you have Manny and a bitching starting five. It's a month. It is only June. Do go doing anything stupid like bringing a cancer into your clubhouse...
But we can always hope that is all it is...
Talk.