Sunday, July 19, 2009

Somebody Give John Sharkey a T.V. Show

I fucking adore Clockcleaner. Just go through the archives here and you can see me fellate the band whenever I get the chance. Too bad they ain't around anymore but John Sharkey can still inspire in ways beyond music: having the balls to talk shit on bands most fans/writers bestow graceful prose upon just because some random tastemaker did.
Hey, Clockcleaner was one of those bands (sort of) at one point, but the main crux of the writing about them was focused on their attitude and notoriety and the fact that every band in Philadelphia hated them. Weak, pussy journalism. Anyways, here is Clockleaner on the Practice Space thing (I re-discovered this when I was pulling the LiveFastDie vid) discussing peeing on Bad Wizard's merch table. Come back to America, John. Or at least wreck Austrailia like Nick Cave did in his teens.

The Cage Family: Modern Mediocrities

Okay, we all know who Nicholas Cage is and how he USED to rock shit in movies like Wild at Heart. Well, I'm not sure if he actually rocked house as much as gave over to his rabid Elvis obsession but with Lynch it worked out pretty well. I dig Leaving Las Vegas but hey, what over privelaged asshole can't act like an over privelaged asshole alcoholic convincingly? The point is, Nic Cage is weak as fuck as evidenced over...everything he has fucking done from Con Air on. Jesus titty fucking christ what kind of random, made up Southern accent was that? "Put...tha...bunnayah...dahwn!"
Still, we would wait years for him to hit his lowest. Here it is in a couple of minutes.

He can't even walk convincingly in those scenes let alone read a line without making you wonder if he is intellectually disabled. But it gets worse for poe ole Cameron Poe. He has a spoiled 19 year old (hey, if you go to Beverly Hills High on a scholarship holler at me and then I'll retract that last statement) with a fashion line (wonder who paid for that, pops!), named Weston (or as he prefers his friends to call him, Arcane),with a shitty metal band. Eyes of Nocturn.
Just the name alone...I...can't...BWAHAHAHAHAH!...just check out the video. Or, if you'd prefer skip to my thoughts below.

Look, I would rather spend a random night at a Fitzgerald's battle of the bands than have to listen to this garbage again. Great, Weston or Wicked Wes or Arcane or Shithead Cage. There are a lot of moronic 19 year olds who think Cradle of Filth is something to worship and props to having the funds to deck you and your band out in the hottest goth-metal-tard couture. The fact is, you suck. You know it, the corpse painted drones that can barely piece two chords together know and the three people politely clapping in the audience fucking know it too. THREE PEOPLE! And who the fuck was the guy giving the fist bump to your mongo bassist after the song? His dad? Well, guess it makes up for all the soccer games he missed which lead to his "brooding" and "dark" state.
It's cool that your (more than likely) overpriced shit you call fashion donates the proceeds (I'd like to see a balance sheet to see what the costs were, by the way) to underprivelaged moms but how about you be as charitable to music fans and just fucking stop. With Attack Attack!, Brokencyde, the Millionaires, Coldplay...god there's just too many to us the suffering of another vanity project from some shithead Hollywood asshole who didn't have the balls to curtail his kids "creativity" by being honest and telling him he sucks worse than H.I.'s forehead in National Treasure.
This quote is the most telling, ""I come from a lineage of great artists," he said. "I just want to contribute to my genre and honor my family." Goddamn, I honestly don't know if you're succeeding or failing. Let's go with failing. Oh, and one last thing. Take those gauntlets on your forearms and BASH YOURSELF IN THE BALLS REALLY FUCKING HARD so we can be sure this "lineage of great artists" ends with your diaper stain.

Friday, July 3, 2009

LiveFastDie is Done.

Goddamnit. All we got was one incredibly trashy album (Bandana Thrash, which I finally scored on vinyl after performing my first reading) and a bunch of killer 7"s. Wait, what the fuck am I saying? That's way more than I had any right to expect from the purveyors of such classics as "Bombed over Sixpackistan," "Fat Guy with an iPod," "Passing Out (in Front of the Children)" and the inimitable "Pissing on the Mainframe" (which you can hear shortly).
I drove with my girlfriend at the time up to SXSW a few years ago early as FUCK so we could catch LiveFastDie and get trashed before Turbonegro. It was pretty rockin'. Ian from the Riverboat Gamblers couldn't believe how fast they were live and let me tell you, brother, it wasn't a bad thing. Of course, Angela bitching at me about taking a Jager shot every other song was the only downer of what would've been an otherwise perfect rock 'n' roll experience. Hopefully, Camero Werewolf and co. will bring about some new scumpunk ventures but until then we can only weep that there won't be any more debaucherous and drunken insanity that there music stood to represent. And yes, I know the interviewer is a dork (oh really, sherlock? they're songs are about things? I never knew music worked like that!)