Terrorists, Please Aim at Cave Rock, Illinois

ICP is a band that for some reason has a ravenous fanbase that laps up whatever shit sandwich they're served. These troglodytes (the Houston chapter has left death threats on my phone over an article I wrote in the Daily Cougar years ago ragging on them), who are known as Juggalos, celebrate their collective stupidity, inbreeding and lack of shame with an annual festival called The Gathering of the Juggalos. You might think it's odd that white trash horrorcore-rap enthusiasts would cop a term from hippies for their event but keep in mind these people make the hygene, appearance and overall IQ at a Phish concert seem like a party in a fucking Jane Austen novel.
The internet has had scores of fun with the grease-paint kids over the video for their idols Jeebus-centric and impressively moronic "Miracles" (which, actually confirms EVERYTHING Christopher Hitchens and Richard Dawkins have written about Christians) and last years viral promotion for the aforementioned gathering and now it's time to do it all over again.

While promoting their latest album, Devo said that their music was a response to witnessing the devolution of society and after watching that fucking 18 minute trailer can you believe that over two decades later we're still getting dumber as a populace?
I mean, who in their right fucking mind associates Gallagher with comedy? Or would pay him money to smash watermelons? Coolio, the "Because I got High" dude (well, that makes sense considering that is how most of the Juggalos were skeeted into existence) ? AHAHAHAHAHA TONE LOC! And motherfucking Vanilla Ice? That dude still gets booked to perform a yo-core version of "Ice, Ice, Baby?" Oh shit, Ron Jeremy is gonna be there too!!! OOOOH! Maybe they'll duke it out over the Hedgehog stabbing Rob Van Winkle in the back on the Surreal Life. /fart noise
I called Black Nathan up after subjecting my glazzies to this shit and told him that there were actually a few bands booked that were good. I doubt anyone dumb enough to devote themselves to the Insane Clown Posse (reread that sentence and let that sink in for a bit)would be stoked on seeing Rob Base, Above the Law, Slick Rick or members of the Wu-Tang Clan. Yup, Method Man and Redman are performing and that does sadden me. That's fucking Cheese from the Wire. Does he really need the cash that bad to subject himself to this fucking asstastic excuse for a festival? You're off the team, homie. Rza, man, you know what you gotta do. Wu-Tang is for the children and you'd be failing them if you didn't recreate this:

Al Qaeda, Hezbollah, Ahmadinejad, L. Ron Hubbard, please aim your nukes at these fucking dolts. Or, airdrop more condoms than South Africa handed out for the World Cup.

Disembowel Yourselves with Wooden Hooking Spoons, Otaku Enthusiasts

I cannot fucking stand Otaku. These, for those thankfully unaware, are manga (Japanese comic book) fanatics who are pretty much the bane of my existence at work.
Look, I'm an unapologetic nerd and have respect for other peoples genre fandom (except for the Twihards. Fucking die.) but these douchetards are some of the lamest motherfuckers ever to grace the planet. Should you be an avid reader of Naruto, Fruit's Basket, or anything resembling that retardedness here is why I hate the fact that your are in my bookstore.
Just like comics, records, baseball cards and your dad's subscription to Playboy, there are people who have collections of manga because they are so jazzed on the genre. Don't ask me why. Given that, please don't get upset when I tell you that you can't take the entire 57 book run of Tentacle Rape Happy Time Explosion off to TRY and finish before we close up shop. Yeah, folks. We have a couple of kids who spend just about 10 hours every fucking day in the store just reading manga. Of course, they don't work which is why they treat us like Manga Library Central but my hatred and obvious contempt for these losers is actually starting to drive them away.
Anyways, the reason I will allow to have two books off the shelf at a time is that there are people who come into the store and want to buy a series in bulks of 5 or 6. If Stunted Emotional Growth in My Chemical Romance Fan's 10-15 are in your pile while you're still reading #2, well, we don't get that money and the customer is upset. Oh, what is that? You're a customer? NO YOU ARE NOT. Customers come in with the potential to purchase items. You come in knowing damn well you'll never spend a fucking dime in the bookstore and only read our books because:
A. Comic shops kick your little emo assess out if they even catch you glancing at a page for more than a second (this is why with ALL series runs they only carry the first and last three). And
B. The public library (I'm told) has a shitty selection of manga.
So, from here on out you can pretty much guess I treat these kids like the cheap little creeps they are. It isn't just because they don't buy anything (shit, we get regulars in all the time who do the same that I don't mind), it's the fact that they horde shit people want to buy. Oh, and the fact that most of the kids are thieves.
When we received our loss results for the year we were all shocked to learn that books were higher than multimedia. I am confident most of that came from manga kids. Why? Because I find our (lame) security devices and shrink wrap and coding stickers for manga allover the goddamn store, tucked away in the darkest corners of a bookshelf. We have caught and banned more people for trying to rip manga or other Otaku product (toys, snacks, posters) than we have for stealing CD's. That's fucking impressive. Oh, and it's not just the Otaku shit they steal. These wretched souls have a strong preclivity for stealing sex books too. That, I can live with. At least they are getting some form of erotic stimulation other than a bare twat school girl getting her vag pounded by some ancient demons billion tentacle looking phallus.
And let's not forget that these kids damage fucking collectibles. No one is gonna buy a manga that has the front cover bent, the spine broken and grease and Bog knows what else smearing the pages. Recently, I've noticed a few of our regular beings with human similarities abusing these books and I'm now allowed to tell 'em that they have to buy the book or get out of the store...for good.
Unfortunately, I haven't had the chance to do that yet since these manga kids are so into their addiction they can't risk giving up a free score. But, they'll slip up and my world for 8 hours a day will be brighter. My advice to them is to grow the fuck up, start buying the shit they like or just move onto some new free form of avarice. There's always Internet porn.