Thursday, March 12, 2009

Disembowel Yourselves with Wooden Hooking Spoons, Otaku Enthusiasts

I cannot fucking stand Otaku. These, for those thankfully unaware, are manga (Japanese comic book) fanatics who are pretty much the bane of my existence at work.
Look, I'm an unapologetic nerd and have respect for other peoples genre fandom (except for the Twihards. Fucking die.) but these douchetards are some of the lamest motherfuckers ever to grace the planet. Should you be an avid reader of Naruto, Fruit's Basket, or anything resembling that retardedness here is why I hate the fact that your are in my bookstore.
Just like comics, records, baseball cards and your dad's subscription to Playboy, there are people who have collections of manga because they are so jazzed on the genre. Don't ask me why. Given that, please don't get upset when I tell you that you can't take the entire 57 book run of Tentacle Rape Happy Time Explosion off to TRY and finish before we close up shop. Yeah, folks. We have a couple of kids who spend just about 10 hours every fucking day in the store just reading manga. Of course, they don't work which is why they treat us like Manga Library Central but my hatred and obvious contempt for these losers is actually starting to drive them away.
Anyways, the reason I will allow to have two books off the shelf at a time is that there are people who come into the store and want to buy a series in bulks of 5 or 6. If Stunted Emotional Growth in My Chemical Romance Fan's 10-15 are in your pile while you're still reading #2, well, we don't get that money and the customer is upset. Oh, what is that? You're a customer? NO YOU ARE NOT. Customers come in with the potential to purchase items. You come in knowing damn well you'll never spend a fucking dime in the bookstore and only read our books because:
A. Comic shops kick your little emo assess out if they even catch you glancing at a page for more than a second (this is why with ALL series runs they only carry the first and last three). And
B. The public library (I'm told) has a shitty selection of manga.
So, from here on out you can pretty much guess I treat these kids like the cheap little creeps they are. It isn't just because they don't buy anything (shit, we get regulars in all the time who do the same that I don't mind), it's the fact that they horde shit people want to buy. Oh, and the fact that most of the kids are thieves.
When we received our loss results for the year we were all shocked to learn that books were higher than multimedia. I am confident most of that came from manga kids. Why? Because I find our (lame) security devices and shrink wrap and coding stickers for manga allover the goddamn store, tucked away in the darkest corners of a bookshelf. We have caught and banned more people for trying to rip manga or other Otaku product (toys, snacks, posters) than we have for stealing CD's. That's fucking impressive. Oh, and it's not just the Otaku shit they steal. These wretched souls have a strong preclivity for stealing sex books too. That, I can live with. At least they are getting some form of erotic stimulation other than a bare twat school girl getting her vag pounded by some ancient demons billion tentacle looking phallus.
And let's not forget that these kids damage fucking collectibles. No one is gonna buy a manga that has the front cover bent, the spine broken and grease and Bog knows what else smearing the pages. Recently, I've noticed a few of our regular beings with human similarities abusing these books and I'm now allowed to tell 'em that they have to buy the book or get out of the store...for good.
Unfortunately, I haven't had the chance to do that yet since these manga kids are so into their addiction they can't risk giving up a free score. But, they'll slip up and my world for 8 hours a day will be brighter. My advice to them is to grow the fuck up, start buying the shit they like or just move onto some new free form of avarice. There's always Internet porn.

No comments: