Friday, January 11, 2013

The Friday Five, Volume 4: FACK THA PATS!

Sunday afternoon, the Houston Texans will face the New England Patriots to determine who gets to face (probably) the Denver Broncos in the AFC Championship and no one thinks the Texans can pull off a win. And yes, I include myself in that group.

Look, we got STOMPED by the Patriots last month and I can totally understand why no one is willing to give us a chance. They've got Tom Brady and Bill Bellichik, Vince Wilfork fucking demolished our offensive line and they're playing the game at home in Foxboro, Massachusetts. I went into Reliant Stadium last Saturday dreading an early exit from the playoffs and fortunately we were able to squeak out with a win. There were positives though like just about every facet of our game except for our horrendous red zone office and special teams that flat out blow goats. And then something happened that not only gave me hope that we would not just be competitive (unlike the last game that was, I believe 21-0 after the first quarter) but KICK THE EVER LOVING SHIT OUT THEM.

Pubeface head columnist for the Boston Globe, Dan Shaughnessy unleashed a hacky, gloating and just dickish column (I'm not linking to it here because I don't want to give them hits and besides, it's behind a fucking paywall) on Sunday about how, essentially, the Patriots have been gifted a second round bye in the playoffs even though they have to play a game this week. It got people all across Houston pissed and even running back Arian Foster took a piece of the column and made it his new twitter avatar. Texans fans began talking about "bulletin board material" (football code for locker room motivation), local journalists thought he went way over the line (the Texans are a fucking 12-4 team, after all) and pubeface even showed up on a couple of Houston radio stations where he basically admitted he couldn't really back any of the specific shit he spewed about the team and that people from Houston know more about football than he does and that many of the counterarguments he had came across were correct. See, this is what Shaughnessy does (and unfortunately I'm familiar with his bile because I'm a Red Sox fan): he makes the story, whatever the fuck it is about whatever fucking Boston team he feels compelled to either blow or take a dump on, about him. Everyone I know that has lived in Boston and every single caller from New England that dimed into Houston radio professed an intense hatred for the man and his minimal talents (btw, how much of a self-obsessed cockbag do you have to be to write a book about your FUCKING SON'S senior year high school baseball season) and some even felt that he had a cursing touch to him. Oh, sweet titty fucking christ, in this case I hope that is true.

As I said before, I'm a die-hard Red Sox fan and have been that way since I was 6 years old (the why and how of that aren't really important here) and over the last few years I have been able to make the trip to Fenway Park either while visiting friends or on father-son trips. Pretty great times. And through these trips and the rise of internet journalism and blogging I have learned one simple fact: New Englanders really only give a shit about the Red Sox. Oh sure, there's the Celtics who enjoy a healthy following (in part to LARRY FACKIN' BIRD) and you can catch some folks who are still passionate Bruins fans but until about 2000, the majority of the Massholes did not give a FUCK about the Patriots. No one is really going to admit this to you now, but until Brady and the dark lord Bellichik came around these folks were content to sit in in dark bars shouting out "PITCHAS AND CATCHAS *clapclapclapclapclap*" until they become the dominant near dynasty they are today. Allow me to provide you with some examples of my personal experiences with Patriots fans and some relayed to me by friends who lived or are living up in FACKIN' TITLETOWN.

*So, I'm sitting in the bleachers at Fenway with my dad enjoying the Red Sox kicking the shit out of the Yankees and four stereotypical Tommy from Quinzee's sit down behind us, already drunk and with two beers a piece (they don't have vendors for alcohol at Fenway because people already show up fucking shitfaced). By the 7th inning, after hearing about "fingahblasting slawts" and general douchebaggery one guy got really reflective over the Patriots recent Super Bowl loss to the New York Giants. I will never forget hearing this idiocy:
"It was a fackin' conspirahcy! A fackin' conspirahcy I tells ya! The PAHTS should've one the fackin' Super Bowl! It was a fix! The refs were in on it! There's no-ah wa-ay we could've lost that fackin' game!"
And a friend steps in with some spurious logic, "Maybe they-ah wanted it more-ah."
This set homeboy off, "FACK THAT! WE-AH WANTED IT MOR-AH! TO GO 19-0 AND SHUT THAT FACK FACED MERCURY MORRIS UP FOREVER AND TO TRULY BECOME THE GREATRIOTS." If I wasn't giggling so hard while texting this to Black Nathan I might have puked.

*Same trip. Dad and I are walking up to a day game early so we can hit restaurant up around Yawkey Way and grab some beers. I spot a big duckboat filled with people decked out in their most garish NFL-superfan-asshole gear and they're starting to shoot a commercial for the Patriots upcoming season. As soon as the cameras start rolling and the duckboat got wild I shouted out "18 AND 1! 18 AND 1! 18 AND 1!" Filming stopping because people starting cursing and throwing things at us. It was awesome.

*When the Patriots blew their perfect season there were reports coming out of Boston that many bars were papering up their windows because grown men were crying uncontrollably. I called my friend, who was working at a gay bar, and asked her if this was true. She confirmed it was and then threw in, "even the butch lesbians couldn't stop sobbing."

*Same friend went to a Texans-Patriots game with her then husband in their Texans gear and were constantly harassed by drunken fans and even had some beer and projectiles hurled their way. Look, I get that this happens at every NFL stadium and I'm not comparing this ordeal to a fucking Raiders home game but their heckling was as clever as this: "David CAAH! CAN'T DRIVE HIS CAAH! CAN'T FIND HIS CAAH!" Plus, people who didn't just start rooting for a team that was suddenly good and had actually stuck with them through their previous suckage castigated those assholes and tried to protect my friends.

I'm not trying to say that these instances are representative of all Patriots fans but they do seem to be the norm when you hear stories about their epic dickishness and sense of entitlement (I realize you can say that about Red Sox fans as well and at this point I couldn't disagree). Pubeface Dan Shaugnessy and his bullshit column are emblematic of their arrogant attitudes (apparently, fans in Boston had been creaming their jeans over getting to play the Texans after the bye round), no matter how much they might reject him or that characterization. And if there is any karma for a fanbase or hacky sportswriters or maybe for a team that CHEATED to win a couple of rings, then the Texans will hopefully send them all back into a dark bar screaming "PITCHAS AND CATCHAS!"

The Texans don't need any extra motivation. These guys are professional athletes who are hyper competitive and understand that they get paid to execute plays and win ballgames. But all this shit talk seems to have given the team (and it's fans) an extra boost and maybe they'll just walk away with a win. I'm not counting on it but I'd prefer anything other than another rout. So, this weeks theme is gonna be songs to help my fellow Texans fans get even more fired up for Sundays game.

Gluecifer - Get the Horn from the album Soaring with Eagles at Night (to Rise with Pigs in the Morning) (White Jazz Records)

Ah, Gluecifer, Norways 2nd greatest band of all time. I don't need to tell you who #1 is, do I? Right, let's move on. Ever since the team, or at least the defense originally but let's face it the tag is now stuck to the Texans as a whole, started being referred to as "Bulls on Parade" this has been my go to song for them. In fact, this is my official song for the Texans. FUCK CLAY WALKER'S MODERN COUNTRY ABORTION OF A TUNE. God, I fucking despise that song. I saw a shitty generic punk band one night cover the old Oilers tune but replaced the Oilers with Texans and was leagues better than that bullshit. Anyway, I think we need to mount a campaign to make "Get the Horn" the new official song of the Houston Texans and Turbojugend Bayou City can proudly lead that charge. Doesn't it make you want to just wreck everything in sight when Biff Malibu kicks with his, "Well I'm packin/ and I'm bad/ and I'm a rock MA-CHEEEEHHEEEN"? I can't be alone in this. Plus, this is one of the greatest music videos ever assembled. I wanna see my boys destroy on Sunday like #90 destroys his liver, old dudes and innocent ladies in this video.

Rocket from the Crypt - Heads are Gonna Roll from the singles collection All Systems Go, Vol. 2 (Sympathy for the Record Industry)

This is easily one of my favorite RFTC songs ever. Did I mention that they have reunited this year and will tour Europe and (maaaaaaaybe) record a new album and play some U.S. shows? Yeah, a Texans victory here would make me just slightly happier than that news. I've used this song in a few columns over the years like when I picked songs the U.S. army should use when they drop bombs on people instead of "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" or what my walk out music would be if I were a baseball closer and I'm pulling it out again. Look, I want these guys going into the game thinking they're about to start a brutal, bloody rumble and if you listen to lyrics it seems like just Speedo himself is armed (knife, box cutter, waist length of chain, enough pain for two) to wreck at least 50 people in a street fight. Plus, the song qualifies its bravado with the addition of "...if we can make 'em roll." I hope the Texans are capable of that task.

Black Flag - Rise Above from the album Damaged (SST Records)

Cliched? Eh, maybe. But "Rise Above" is still one of the best tracks ever to lead off a record. It's a song that always gets me psyched and the adrenaline flowing. Maybe this one should go out to the pundits and sportswriters that have taken to calling the Texans "frauds" etc,. What the fuck ever. This team went 12-4 and "are gonna have [their] chance" to silence their critics. *Fingers crossed*

Slayer - Fight Till Death from the Album Show No Mercy (Metal Blade)

Do I really need to go into a descriptive or qualify this choice? SLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Iggy and the Stooges - Search and Destroy from the Album Raw Power (Columbia/Legacy)

We close things out with a song that makes me feel like I could destroy universes instead of just shooting them up into my wife's nether regions. It's impossible not to feel like a human wrecking machine once James Williamson's lead begins to shred your ear drums while Ron Asheton's bass fuzzes right along but then Iggy comes in with the classic intro line, "I'm a street walkin' cheetah with a heart full of nay-pawlm!" (based on a leather jacket he used to wear with a cheetah face on the back which he later traded to Leonard Phillips of the Dickies for smack) and you're mind just explodes. Nothing gets me revved up and ready to go like this song. According the majority of the media, as stated before, the Texas seems to be the worlds "forgotten boys" in this match-up and hopefully they'll be like the Iggster and search and destroy all over the field on Sunday. BULLS ON PARADE, MOTHERFUCKERS!

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