Friday, February 19, 2010

On Constantly Dealing with Mouth Breathers, Part One

Working in a bookstore can be an odd gig because you get a steady stream of people who are looking for something to recieve information from yet don't seem to be capable of tying their own shoes or wiping their ass properly (I clean the bathrooms. This is a fair fucking assessment). The most constant request the staff recieve goes something like this. Customer: Hi, I'm looking for a book. Me: Sure, which one? Customer: Here's the thing. I don't know the title, I don't know the author but I know it has a blue cover! Well, why the fuck didn't you say so?!?! Let me take you right where we put ALL the blue books! Shit no, we don't organize these alphabetically by something as random as the author! We color cordinate these bitches so your mongoloid ass can find the 48 Laws of Power without having to exert the precious mental capabilities you barely possess to comprehend the simplistic bullshit Robert Greene is throwing at you. Me: Uh, I'm gonna need a little more information like, maybe, could you tell me what it's about. Customer: I don't know except I think I saw it on TV but it's definitely blue. Me: Sorry, without information beyond the color of the cover I can't help you find that book. Customer: Really? YES! YES, YOU FUCKING MORON! I CAN'T JUST PULL BLUE BOOKS OUTTA MY ASS AS OFTEN AS I HAVE PRAYED FOR THE ABILITY. So, I go through that about 50 times a day but it's the phone customers that really take the cake in their idiocy. Yesterday, after fielding inquiries from dolt after dolt I got two phone calls that made my right palm kiss my forehead. Here we go.
The I'm in Desperate Need of Help Scoring Gash but I'm too Embarassed to come in pick up The Game Asshole
Me: Generic Tomes in the Galleria how can I help you?
Customer: Uh, uh, yeah. I tried calling that store downtown ya'll had.
Me: Yeah, it closed at the end of last month.
Customer: YEAH! Did ya'll buy 'em out?
Me: What? No, we're the same company they just decided that joint wasn't making enough money.
Customer: Oh, okay. Hey, let me ask you something. If there was a book I was looking for would you be able to tell me if you had it?
This happens all the fucking time. At times, I'm tempted to just say no and let the idiot go back to playing with their poop. But, I never do. How in the fuck do you think we could keep track of all the shit we have in the store if we didn't have the ability to search and see if it existed without the aid of computers? Back to the conversation.
Me: Yeah, what do you want?
Customer: Uh, well, there's this book by a guy named Neil Strauss called...
Me: The Game. You're looking for the how to pick up chicks book.
Customer: WHAT? Uh, uh, is that what it's about?
Me: Yeah, man. The book is about how to score with random chicks. Hang on and I'll grab a copy.
In the interim I proceed to make fun of this asshat with my co-workers for a few minutes even though the book is 5 feet away. I always fuck with people who come in and ask for the Game. They should all be sterilized except none of them are ever going to sniff vag even if they read the book and execute all strategies to full efficacy. If you have to buy a book that helps you dupe some poor lass into opening up her gash then let me save you the trouble and help you find a croaker for roofies. There is slightly less dignity in that.
Me: Okay, I've got the book who should I put it on hold for?
Customer: Let me ask you something first. Are you IN the Galleria or NEAR the Galleria or AROUND the Galleria or BY the Galleria?
Me: Like I said when I answered the phone, we're in the Galleria.
I'm not always this big of a dick when people ask this question (and boy is it a popular one) but I have a special brand of hatred reserved for people coming in for The Game.
Customer: Let me ask you something. Could I find this book online?
Me: Yes, through the wonders of technology almost anything available in our store is just a mouse click away from being yours!
Customer: So, I would just, like, search Neil Strauss and The Game and I'd be able to find it?
Me: Yup! Just like magic! Now who should I put the book on hold for?
Customer: Uh, do you have, like, a lot of them? Or is that the last one?
Me: We surprisingly have a good number of the title.
Customer: Uh, oh, well, then I'll just come by when it's not as busy and get it.
I hang up the phone. Thank you for wasting 10 minutes of my time. If that's the effort you're going to exert towards getting laid just go ahead and by a Fleshlight. It'll save the humiliation.


Anonymous said...

Nice rant on douche bags lol,fucking hilarious that the man asking for the book on how to talk to the opposite sex is too fucking embarassed to come to the store and pick it up,I bet he's a level 80 paladin...fag

Irate Irrelevance said...

The joys of working for the public. I feel ya, man.