Sunday, January 20, 2008

Epic Fuck Ups: THE Hoff and Kitt Share the Stage

Maybe this could just cover the entire musical output of THE Hoff since it's all pretty atrocious. You don't know sadness unless you have listened to his cover of "Country Roads." But those crazy Germans eat his shit up. They had the motherfucker sing near the rubble as the Berlin Wall came down. So let's breakdown why this a larger failure than usual for THE Hoff.
Okay so why in the hell is he starting this off on his knees? Was he paying homage to Satan for granting him a lucrative career of pop bile? And what's up with the perfectly torn jeans? He should've, you know, worn those bad boys out until they got wrecked like the Ramones did.
And just when it seems like things can't get more hilariously tragic there comes...the kick. It looks like THE Hoff dislocated his hip or something and then he breaks into this epileptic fit of dancing. It's almost as if he didn't get the memo that Ian Curtis was the only one that could rock that shit and look cool.
Next, you can kinda see KITT in the corner (I'm not asking that you pinpoint every detail like the Zabruder film) before BAM he's in full focus. And his lights are running. If you remember Knight Rider you will know that means KITT is talking. But THE Hoff muted his mic and put on the parking break so KITT couldn't say, "I'm afraid I can't let you do this, Michael. This is completely weak shit, bro. It looks like I have to run you over 50 times as punishment for this crime against humanity...hey what the fuck? I can't move!" THE HOFF heard these silent cries and decided to get revenge on his buddy by bringing the party to his hood. Listen carefully and you can hear KITT howl, "You bastard, Michael! No! No! Don't come dance on me, Michael. Take the suck elsewhere."
What the fuck is wrong with German people?

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