Friday, December 30, 2011

The Absolute Worst Shit Borders Forced Upon My Ears Last Year

My four years spent at Borders weren't all bad. I made some great friends, I have some stories I can dine out on for years but most of the music that corporate would mandate we play in the store was just straight up ass. True, there were some good selections at times like Sharon Jones, Flogging Molly, Trombone Shorty, Johnny Cash, Yo La Tengo and even MGMT's good record...and that's the best I can come up with over that stretch. It does little to diminish the psychic torment inflicted upon me by the likes of Celine Dion, Enya and motherfucking Coldplay. One day, I might mine my brain for the truly and utter shite (even though the Christmas music could arguably be considered the worst) but for now I will focus on the non-seasonal albums of 2011 that uber-tards in charge of the company demanded in constant rotation.
Glee - Whatever Fucking Piece of Shit Volume of the Soundtrack
Yeah, I'm getting this fucking garbage out of the way first. Fuck Glee, fuck Ryan Murphy and fuck you if you're a Gleek (I realize this includes some of my friends but I will not recant that statement). Look, I give the show credit for trying to bring a discussion about bullying and not shitting your pants whenever a gay person is around into the to pop-culture stew...but trying is all they accomplished. You want proof: SANTORUM, BITCHES! No matter how up his own ass Ryan Murphy gets about this neon-yellow bilious stream of excrement and it's social commentary the fact is the only thing people ever gave a shit about (aside from the writing staff at Entertainment Weekly)is the music. That's why the show was able to break the Beatles' Billboard record (and we, as a nation, should weep over being alive to witness and have our fellow Americans contribute to that) and no matter how big a pop-song they covered, the auto-tuned weasels almost always outsold and out shined the original artist. Here's the Cliff's Notes so I don't waste more time ranting on this rapidly dying rectal wart of a television show: the music is absolutely ghastly.
First, let's acknowledge that the people behind this aural terrorism do actually choose some fantastic songs...that shouldn't be covered. Ever. "River Deep, Mountain High" are you fucking kidding me? You dolts are going to have your group of expertly coiffed, under-talented and studio magic assisted rented mules try to tackle an Ike and Tina song? Get fucked. Or how bout the aforementioned Beatles or the Stones. And then there's totally misconstruing the actual meaning of a fucking song because it can be easily shoehorned into your contrived plots and the songwriters are eager for a fat check? All Glee does is lazily take pop songs down the Radio Disney or Kidz Bop! route and the aftermath is a successive stream of wet farts into the ears of people who have actual musical taste.
And, to be sure, Murphy loves to stroke his own ego and act like his show is the only way that kids will get into music and if your band says, "Fuck that noise. Glee is fucking lame" or "I don't want my music on that shit, I'd rather sell if to a gum company" he will troll you hard. Thankfully, Dave Grohl shut him the fuck up. And, hey, if you want to kids stoked about music and starting a band and rejecting mainstream norms than maybe you should've done an episode dedicated to Care Bears on Fire instead of Lady Gaga.
(no video included because I will not have a clip or cover from Glee disgrace this blog)
Michael Buble - Crazy Love
Look, pop-stars are also meant to appeal to the masses on a superficial level to muck up the brain in case they have an aversion to whatever music they release. I get that middle-aged wino chicks need someone to get their granny panties lubed up before marathons of Sex and the City, but this fifth rate Harry Connick Jr. hoser is who they've picked? Come on ladies, Tom Jones is STILL dripping with tanning oil, a hearty musk of Brute, aged gash and can still make your vulvas thump! I'm sure at one point Buble was an actual crooner, wrote his own songs...okay that's just so ridiculous I can't even finish typing my previous musing. He's a total corporate stooge who finally built a large enough audience to be forced down the throats of the people who wake up to VH-1 every morning. That's why he went total Peter Cetera instead of raping more Sinatra tunes. Well, I guess we can be glad for that.
Susan Boyle - All of Them
Okay, so this mongoloid didn't release her new album until after Borders was shuffled loose this mortal coil but I'm including her previous records here because they were so insufferable I wish she'd turn into Katrina Bowden overnight so people would quit giving her credit for being extremely mediocre in every way possible.
Here is the scenario for every avowed Boyle-tard when they first saw her (no one ever heard voice before taking in her visage): " Okay, time to watch a bunch of misguided tools belt their brains out in front of under qualified, semi-successful record industry lemmings. Oh, my brain is tired. Let's let the TV talking heads tell me which record to buy next."
/sees Susan Boyle walk into camera view
/Boyle begins to sing, lulling these easily duped twats into a state of total pacification with the heightened urge to buy her record.
And scene. Anyone who regards Susan Boyle with any consideration beyond being a lamentable pop-culture skid mark like William Hung or Fred Durst has no sense of art, creativity or life.
Brad Paisley - This is Country Music
Holy fuck this album is torture. But let's ignore the obvious musical shortcomings of Mr. Paisely (who should be resigned to making mediocre surf music) to focus on the lyrical content. The title track is so offensive to anyone who doesn't have their head up the Tea Party's ass. Let's break it down:
You're not supposed to say the word "cancer" in a song.
Really, why not? Who the fuck said you can't discuss cancer in music? I wish this line was, "You're not supposed to talk about/how Muslims are trying to kill us all" because at least you could justify such idiocy under the auspices of lame prejudice.
And telling folks Jesus is the answer can rub them wrong.
Well, yeah, I don't prefer to hear that shit in my music. But, then again, I still adore people like Mahalia Jackson and Johnny Cash. Of course, Richard Dawkins would probably become apoplectic over hearing about the glory of the lord if he gave two shits about pop music. Honestly, I don't see too many fans of modern country music being hardcore atheists. But go on, tortured white Christians, and keep thinking our vile secularist nation is oppressing you.
It ain't hip to sing about tractors, trucks, little towns and mama, yeah that might be true. But this is country music and we do.
No, dude, this is VERY hip right now. Not, hip, like, people in Brooklyn wearing over-sized glasses and retro NBA jerseys. Well, both groups are huge, gaping assholes. But looking at the state politics,it seems that blowing people who eat religiously at some monstrosity called a Pizza Ranch (I hear complimentary ranch dressing is served in beer pitchers) while eagerly awaiting to lick Rick Santorum's taint seems pretty en vouge. It's not like your extolling the virtues of a black president and lamenting the loss of Christopher Hitchens. Now, THAT would be very unhip.
And if there's anyone that still/ Has pride and memory of those/ That died defending the old red, white and blue/ This is country music and we do.
Oh really, asshole? The person that got this etched permanently on their body is who I imagine you are courting with these lyrics.
Well, let me retort to just about all your previous claims with this one song that features ruminations on religion, war, patriotism and love.
I firmly believe that country music, as a relevant musical (not social) genre died after Urban Cowboy. Sure, there are some great bands out now that are keeping the traditions of country music alive for those who regard Hank Williams with more love and devotion than Faith Hill or some asshat like Tobey Keith. Those Darlins' first record is a good example, I'm a very big fan of Sean Reefer but in general, country music has been diffused into nothing more than pop music for the Tea Party set.
Brad Paisley's album is the ultimate bullshit image of a divided America. It's just such a ridiculous, egregiously fake, Norman Rockwell painted narrative that it makes me wretch. And to be sure, there are plenty of oh so horrible songs to be singled out for righteous scorn but, in line with my aforementioned theory, the main offender has to be "Camouflage." To sum up this brilliant rhapsody of redneck decor, aside from being able to shoot stars and stripes out of your asshole on command, the next best act as a patriot you can perform is not donating to the Wounded Warrior Project, joining the military or volunteering at a VFW. No, it's painting your bad ass, shit-kicker, mean muddin' machine in camouflage! In fact, here are BradleyCoolDude's thoughts in the YouTube page for this aural atrocity: If you don't like camouflage, then your a communist and should leave the good ole' America.
I hope Brad Paisley gets gored to death by a bull at the rodeo this year.
Original Motion Picture Soundtrack - Country Strong
I've already spewed enough venom on modern country but when you add Gwyneth Paltrow into the mix and you have to hear it on loop for 8 hours a day then what you have is the audio equivalent of waterboarding.
Bonnie's Power Mix - A Liquidation Mix Made by My Last General Manager
I wasn't a fan of my last GM. She pushed out some good people, would NEVER go to bat for the employees or insert herself into a problem with an unruly customer and generally made liquidation SUCK OUT LOUD even more. But her mix CD (by the time Armageddon was in full swing we were allowed to play our own mix CD's) was pretty awful for reasons beyond some of the musical choices. Snap's "I Got the Power," Twisted Sister's "We're Not Gonna Take It" and even the motherfucking Rocky theme were included. I fail to see how those tunes will inspire power within me when I'm being berated by dumbass motherfuckers who can't read the fine print of an e-mail or don't get that they can no longer treat us like a public library and the fucking person in charge can't drag her ass away from kissing the liquidators ball sack to tell these people to leave her employees the fuck alone. Every day when I opened I would pull this disc out of the mix replace it with the Disney song collection (no joke) someone else came up with. Yes, listening to Robing Williams rap was more pleasurable than hearing the jarring switch from 80's pop relics to "Flight of the Valkyries." And she would return it to its place. I'm GLAD you were tortured by my morose Tom Waits mix. But the true turd burned to disc was that horrible Daniel Powter song that became a hit because it was featured on the show most likely to give your ears AIDS, American Idol.
Who in their right fucking mind would choose to play this FOR THE BENEFIT OF THEIR EMPLOYEES EMOTIONS that are facing unemployment, unrepentant bargain hunters literally tearing your store apart, and non-stop lines of people bitching, "Oh that's all you're gonna take off of that? That's not worth it to me. I'll come back when the prices go down." Wait, who in their right fucking mind with kindergarten level social skills and a comprehension of basic human emotion would drop a buck on that shit on iTunes? Yeah, go fuck yourself Bonnie. Hey at least, I played something positive in my mix CD instead of what I really wanted to put on loop, which would've been this:

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