Saturday, December 24, 2011

The Top Ten Songs I Didn't Hear at Jay Debauchery's Wedding

So, as mentioned in an earlier post by Mr. Debauchery, I have been invited to take time away from my literary blog, Poppycock Press (I know, I know, shameless self-promotion, but hey, I got a following to build), to come write a top ten list for 2011 in Please Kill Yourself (If you are reading this now, you have not followed instructions very well, now have you?). My main problem in constructing an idea for a top ten list is that I have spent much of the year listening to old records that I haven't pulled out in years (the only new album I payed any attention to was Fucked Up's "David Comes to Life"), reading old literature while almost finishing off David Foster Wallace's entire collection of books (my new favorite author--wish I had discovered him before he offed himself), and generally avoiding Television--aside from Breaking Bad and Mad Men--like the digital rays are going to form a phallic wave and skull-fuck mindaids directly into my cerebral cortex (Hey, you never know with modern technology. I'm pretty sure my cell phone could cook me breakfast if I found the right app.). You could say I am not hip to the current cultural landscape. The kids would not find me cool, fresh, dope, groovy, chill, or whatever funky new nickname they call it these days. However, I did attend a special event this year, the union of Mr. and Mrs. Debauchery. Of course, side-note here, Can Mr. Jay Debauchery still call himself "Debauchery" now that he is married and has a real job? (Ed note: Yes. Yes we can. The absolute scumbaggery that happened at my bachelor means that I can claim my Mark Twain for life). I vote that we rechristen our old friend--perhaps the cliched "The blogger formerly known as Jay Debauchery," or if I can throw my suggestion into the box, I like "Jay Homeowner." It has a nice ring to it. Of course, any other suggestions should be posted in the comments section of this post and we'll vote on it later. For now, being that this is the end of 2011, we'll give him a few more days of pride in his last name and continue to refer to him as "Mr. Debauchery" from here on out in this post, but when 2012 comes it's Mr. Homeowner all the way. Alas, I digress, the whole point of this long-winded introduction was to say that certain promises were made and horribly broken regarding this wedding, and no I am not talking about the strippers (Tweedle Fat and Tweedle Crackhead) at his bachelor party. That's another story altogether. I was referring to a certain auditory environment that was promised to his longtime friends and sharers in the tradition of ultra-music-snobbery. Instead, we were treated to the same old doldrums of shitty overplayed Sinatra tunes and fore some reason this...
So without further adieu, I present my contribution to Please Kill Yourself's Best of 2011...
The Top Ten Songs I Didn't Hear at Jay Debauchery's Wedding
10) The Dwarves - I Wanna Be Your Pimp
For a man that lists his new bride under the name "Bottom Bitch" in his iPhone (if you aren't familiar with the terminology, you should read this book), certainly I should have been treated to Blag Dahlia's ruminations on love and Greyhound buses. If the Dwarves were considered too aggressive for the mass contingent of Aggies at Jay's wedding then certainly a Houston classic could have fit the bill perfectly, which brings me to...
9) UGK - International Players Anthem
Aside from the aforementioned labeling of Mr. Debauchery's one and only, what more could you want to hear at a wedding of two native Houstonians, other than the H-Town duo of Bun B and Pimp C featuring the lyrical stylings of none other than Outkast's Andre 3000 and Big Boi over the Motown Classic "I Choose You" by Willie Hutch? If you can't get your ass moving on the dance floor to this, then you either have no ass or hate good music. And speaking of great Houston artists, we should switch up the genres here and wonder why no...
8) Townes Van Zandt - If I Needed You
We're in Texas. I think we're entitled to at least one slow country love song that doesn't make white people look like toddlers discovering their legs for the first time when they try to dance. I mean, seriously, all the shitty modern pop that was played at his wedding left the dance floor a choppy ocean of maroon during hurricane season. Also, with a self-appointed moniker like "Debauchery," how could we not have honored one of the forefathers of drunken buffoonery? And speaking of drunken buffoonery, I would have loved to hear this...
7) Danny Boy
Who qualifies as bigger drunks than the Irish? For a man who so brazenly declares his Irish heritage every 20 seconds or so, we couldn't listen to the Irish American national anthem. Yes, in the end, we did get some Pogues and some Dropkick Murphys after Mr. Debauchery finally yelled at the two numskull deejays who seemed perfect for any Jewish kid's bar mitzvah (I think I may have gotten their card), and yes, it's more of a funeral hymn, but like I questioned his nickname earlier, I do feel that marriage is kind of the funeral for us debaucherous souls.
OK, OK, so honestly, this is Soulless Brother #1's contribution to the post. We just wanted a chance to include some Coen Brothers. As Soulless Brother #1 would say, "Go Minnesota!" And speaking of talented Minnesotans, really?!, none of this either...
6) The Replacements - Can't Hardly Wait
(Ed note: This did in fact play but was what gave the DJ's cold feet about my play list. Fuck them! Mikey, we were out smoking at the time)>Considering Mr. Debauchery lists this song himself at the very top of his own wedding playlist, I was quite surprised to not hear one of the ultimate punk rock love songs at the wedding. When I hear this song, I think of mix-tapes for girls in high school, I get the old butterflies in my stomach from thoughts of old love affairs, and bonus, because of the 90's tradition of shitty high school party films, I can envision my high school infatuation with Jennifer Love Hewitt's breasts because of the crappy movie which ripped off it's title from this song. And while we're on the ultimate punk rock love songs, we definitely should have been treated to some of this...
5) The Dead Boys - All This and More
My vote is that this song should have been played close to the end. A little sexy, a little raunchy, perfect for working up a young couple ready to consecrate their marriage. Of course, as I mentioned earlier, there weren't just punk music snobs at the wedding. The contingent of Aggies and typical white folks was quite high so the wedding playlist certainly had to appease these members of the crowd as well. But if the deejays were only going to play shitty standards, then they could have at least allowed us to hear some of the songs we ironically love like...
4) Elvis Presley - Suspicious Minds
Now, this isn't exactly a happy-go-lucky love song, but it would serve as a solid reminder to the bride and groom that their relationship from here on out must be free of jealousy. No, Mr. and Mrs. Debauchery, you cannot go on together with suspicious minds. Your relationship must be built on trust if it is to last. Besides, Courtney, if you knew how much fun your husband didn't have at his own bachelor party, you'd love him forever on that alone. Additionally, this is one of two Elvis songs that I'll actually stand behind (the other of course being "In the Ghetto" but that's not exactly wedding material), and if you saw the crowd at that wedding, there must have been at least a couple of Elvis diehards. Besides, you try not to have a blast singing along to the chorus of this song. It's impossible. Now, we shouldn't spend too much time ironically listening to music, as is the case that if the wedding deejays had done their job by playing a nice mix of shitty standard wedding music and the elusive wedding playlist of the groom, or if Mr. Debauchery had done us all a favor and threatened to withhold their pay, we would have no need for this here post. But we do, so I'll add one more to the tally...
3) Blowfly - I Wanna Be Fellated
It's a parody of one of Mr. Debauchery's favorite bands, and I just kind of always wanted to hear a Blowfly track played at a wedding. I know it's a little much to ask, but fuck it, it's my list and I'll bitch if I want to. But now, for a serious addition...
2) Tom Waits - Sea of Love
While this isn't a Waits original, it's certainly an amazing rendition, and if we're to be honest here, Tom Waits original material on love isn't exactly the most hopeful wedding music. But certainly Mr. Debauchery, like most music snobs, has Tom Waits on his Mount Rushmore of songwriters, and we should have subjected the normal folk to his gravelly, haunting, and ultimately perfect and beautiful voice. It is truly a travesty that no Tom Waits was played at the wedding. No joking here. And now the unveiling, of the one song, without a doubt that we will all regret missing out on at Jay "My Life is All Picket Fences, Children, and the Farewell of my Youthful Dreams from Here on Out" Debauchery's (1981-2011) wedding...
1) Lil John - Get Low
Oh wait, Nevermind! We totally heard this at his wedding. Oh, skeet skeet skeet motherfucker! I mean, seriously, did Mr. Debauchery really pick this out? I will agree that there is nothing more debaucherous than spilling semen all over your beloveds face till the sweat drips from your balls, but it still seems more of a honeymoon track to me. Oh, skeet skeet skeet motherfucker! Of course, I can't say I'm completely disappointed either. I'm not sure if Soulless Brother #1's masturbatory gestures in plain view of the bride's entire family were more amusing or the dance floor flooded with white Aggie bridesmaids cheering for their own desecration. Oh skeet skeet skeet motherfucker...whoop! Oh skeet skeet skeet whoop! Hey, I kind of like that addition. Oh, another side-note here, I did a little debauchery of my own at the wedding, and let's just say that dried up skeet on a maroon dress kind of turns into a burnt orange color. Who knew? I don't know if we can use this covert information as some sort of new clothing line to bring Aggies and Longhorns back together. You know, like the bloods and the crips "Crosscolors" line in the early 90's.
So, there you have it...The Top Ten Songs I Didn't Hear at Jay Debauchery's Wedding. In all seriousness, I wish you and Courtney the best in your marriage and am truly sorry for you guys about all the hiccups with the idiots at the wedding venue. In the immortal words of Wu Tang Clan, I hope one day you get to find those deejays, sew their assholes shut, and keep feeding them and feeding them and feeding them. With that, I'm out! Oh skeet skeet skeet motherfuckers!

1 comment:

Lindsay said...

The DJ was a bitch ass. I remember when I asked them to play Tessie...he goes...welllllll I might have to download it. And I responded with...(pointing my finger) is that the groom's ipod? DJ: Yes. Me: then you have it...

Cunts.