Usually, I wouldn't waste my hatred ranting about shit like American Idol but the whole Adam Lambert deal is just confusing the ever lovin' shit outta me. Of course, the fact that people would worship some schmuck just cause they won an arbitrary karaoke contest is beyond my comprehension but folks are treating this guy-liner sporting twat like the second coming. Weep, for the state of modern music, my friends.
So, homeboy is on the cover of the new Rolling Stone and I've had customers at work flip the fuck out over the rag even willing to pay a five dollar shipping fee since they can't make it over to pick up a copy (what are there no Stop N Go's near your house?). It's really funny to me how people seem to think this kid has an edge or is representing anything remotely close to rock 'n' roll. He's just another asshole who has servicable pipes and wants to ride the major label gravy train until the world moves onto the next big parade. When I explain this to people (usually dressed in wretched 80's throwback attire and neon) they get upset and tell me the Rolling Stone interview has a lot of juicy tidbits and sets him apart from past Idol contestants.
Spoiler, idiots, no it doesn't. He is no different than anyone else on the show and let me explain this to you point by point playing devils advocate to set up the arguments.
1. HE'S GAY!
Whoopdie shit. Is that really the most compelling thing about this asshat? The fact that he likes the cock and is open about it? Besides, you knew he was gay before he outed himself in Rolling Stone (for fucks sakes Entertainment Weekly pretty much outed him when they did a cover story on him). Is that such a big deal for you that we have a pop star that is into the same sex? Boy George, Elton John, George Michael...the list goes on forever of successful gay men who have wrecked the pop charts while never hiding their sexuality (and if you ever had a doubt about George Michael seek help). So what's the big deal about him saying, "Yeah, I'm gay," in print? How does that add to your enthusiasm for him? Does he go into detail about how prefers facials, grabs ankles and considers himself a bottom? NO. Besides, Clay Aiken did the same exact thing except he waited a few years to admit to the truth when he desperately needed publicity. Get the fuck over it.
2. He's a rocker!
No, he's not. Just because he picked good tunes (I've never seen the show but know of the songs he butchered) doesn't mean he is some devil may care rebel out to revolutionize the American Idol brand. He is a simple yes man doing whatever the puppet masters at his label impart upon him. American Idol stars' albums follow whatever trend is popular in music at the time and since Green Day is the biggest band on the planet they decided to go with the kid who likes to shriek and will appeal to the rowdy side of the teeny bopper set. Besides, Bo Bice and Chris Daughtry already did it. Oh and let's not ignore the fact the he slaughtered EVERY SINGLE FUCKING SONG he sang. He robbed "Mad World" of all it's impact and beauty with a blase cover. His Johnny Cash go? Fucking dreadfull and I'm sure the Man in Black is spinning in his grave right now. And how the fuck dare do you cover Queen. There is no way in hell you could move people the way Freddy Mercury did. That man could lift you to the top of the mountain or drag you to hell with his voice. And double fuck you since because you're gay you should know not to disgrace a pioneer like Freddy fucking Mercury.
3. OMG! An American Idol that Does Drugs? HOT!
Wow, it's almost like they want these kids to act like actual rock stars! Soccer moms be damned! Oh wait, there was some fat chick who was on Celebrity Rehab for being a coke-head and a drunk. Yeah, strike three, Adam. Fuck off and tell your cult of fans to drink the purple Kool-Aid.
And in case you were wondering, yes, I fucking hate myself for knowing this much about American Idol.