The Please Kill Yourself Guide to Proper Ball Park Etiquette

I love baseball and going to the games, but lately I’ve been noticing so much bullshit at the ballpark that I just can’t take it anymore. Seeing a game as it’s played in the park should be an incredibly enjoyable experience just like a rock ‘n’ roll show. But, like those glorious events, a few assholes always seem to arrive and fuck things up. If you don’t wanna be part of the growing problem then please follow these simple rules the next time you venture out to see your local ball club play nine innings. STOP DOING THE WAVE – This shit was supposed to be a fad in the 70’s but has miraculously managed to carry its way into the new millennium. Look, I don’t go to games to be seen. I go to watch the fucking game, man. So stop trying to get sections of the crowd to all stand up at once just for the overwhelming thrill of seeing a domino effect across the stadium. I always object to this practice and when the offenders are in my section and are obscuring my view of the play (usually in the late innings of a one run game) I start shouting obscenities and telling the fucktards to sit the hell down. I’m sorry you’re bored with the game but that doesn’t mean the rest of us are. Sit the fuck down and by the way, it’s still too soon after the recent Asian tsunami tragedy to do the wave and not be in obvious poor taste. And while we’re on the subject of absolutely retarded cheers…knock off the “OLE! OLE! OLE! OLE!” bullshit. This ain’t a fucking soccer game or Flogging Molly show, dickhead. CONTROL YOUR FUCKING KIDS - The last time I went to Minute Maid Park with Black Nathan, we were mere rows ahead of a little bastard constantly yelling for someone to give him a baseball and screaming like a goddamned banshee. Okay, mom and dad, before you take little Johnny or Susie to the game think twice before indulging them with two bags of cotton candy, six jumbo sodas and a few ice cream sundaes. I wanna hear the hecklers, crack of the bat and cheers/boos not your heathen offspring. And do not give me judgmental scorn when you hear expletives flying out of my mouth around your precious little angels. You’re watching a game where the players routinely adjust their crotches, spit, curse and occasionally brawl. Besides, a few “fucks” never hurt anyone’s adolescent development. DRESS ACCORDINGLY – Look, if you’re there rooting for the away team I totally understand you sporting their gear. I hate you for it, but it makes sense. That’s your team and you wanna show support. Cool. But, why the fuck are you wearing American League team apparel to an N.L. game? I love the Red Sox but you don’t see me rocking my Papelbon jersey at an Astros game. You’re a Cubs fan? First, I feel sorry for you and second, if they aren’t playing then leave the cap at home, bro. Oh, and if you’re one of the guys who roots for division rivals and wears both teams logos (Astros/Cardinals for example) you’re an idiot and need to make up your fucking mind. You don’t see that shit happen at Fenway, Wrigley or any of the real baseball towns. And ladies, please stop dressing like hookers. Does it really make sense to sport a mini skirt that stops at your labia, six-inch stiletto heels and a tube top that can’t contain your jugs at a baseball game? It’s not like you dolts are out trolling for dick…you’ve got a dude there with you sporting tribal tattoos and Dockers. Is the self-esteem boost you get from fat, drunken slobs drooling over your silicone ass really that important? FUCK YOUR CAMERA – Unless you have a NASA powered zoom lens or are sitting mere inches away from the dugouts your pictures are going to come out looking shitty. And if you just have to take a snapshot of you and your buddies blitzed out of their heads at the ballpark don’t move into the middle of the aisle during game play to capture that memento. In fact, just leave your cameras behind. Go down to the lower concourse and get a FREE, pseudo-professional photo to take back home with you. Even the organization knows how much of an annoyance this shit is and has come up with a pretty sweet solution to end the problem. Get with it. CELL PHONES AND THE PRIMO SEATS – So, this one comes watching the games on T.V. and happens just about everywhere. Right behind home plate and the protective netting are some of the sweetest seats a baseball fan can score. In Houston, they’re called the Diamond Club seats. I was lucky enough to catch the previous College Baseball Classic from there and they provide an amazing view to the game. Unfortunately, most of the people who sit there around various local celebrities and team staff spend games chatting on their cell phones and waving to the cameras. You are total prats. The loyal and die hard fans for the team that are at almost every game in the nose bleed section would sell their first born for a crack at those tickets. They would savor every second of being able to observe the pitcher’s mechanics, the defensive shifts, catcher moves and seeing the ball leap off the wood of the bat. They would not be talking to their yuppie friends constantly saying, “Can you see me in the shot?” with a mongoloid grin on their faces. Next time you come into possession of those coveted tickets offer them to someone sitting next to Mars, watch the game from their usual vantage point and hopefully you’ll understand the great privilege you somehow continually acquire. RALLY CAPS – If you really must relive this little league tradition because you think that turning your hat inside out will magically appease the baseball gods so that they will bless the maple of the 8 spot hitter then remember to turn that shit back to its proper form when the opposition is batting. What, you want those fuckers to rally too?