Radio Anti-Romantica

The deal with my old work is that the employees either have to listen to a CD of Italian Festival “Favorites” or 106.9 the Point (they claim to play the best of the 1980’s and more, which I staunchly dispute). Yeah, it’s slim pickings on the radio dial. As a music nazi, it makes me go completely insane to hear shit that is only noteworthy in the annals of 80’s music history because it was featured in a fucking John Hughes movie. If all it takes to make your shit long lasting in our pop culture subconscious is play during a movie then why the fuck aren’t the Plimsouls or Josie goddamned Cotton in the rotation? But, I digress. So, since I am required to listen to the same 30 or so songs allow me to present you with my internal dialogue that kicks in upon hearing the first chord. Rick Springfield – “Jesse’s Girl” Rick, I’m so glad I’m not your friend. It’s not that I haven’t dated some girls that were previously companions to friends but I never fucking fantasized about them or the sex they were having with the aforementioned dudes. Oooh, you’re creepy. I’m willing to bet this song arose from a shitcanned subplot on whatever weak soap opera he was on back before he blessed us with his musical prowess. Falco – “Rock Me Amadeus” And the winner for the most pretentious song ever goes to…some German douchebag named Falco. Yeah, bro, you outshined Bono like the sun. If you have forgotten the dense subject matter of “Rock Me Amadeus” let me reacquaint you with the theme. Over a horrible drum machine, cheesy synthesizer and ungodly laughable sub-Poison hair metal guitar lick this guy (who sounds eerily similar to Penn Jillette) lists off the amazing accomplishments of the famed composer and then, to cap it all off, we are left with “In 1980 (something), German composer Falco records…R-r-r-r-r-r-r-ock me Amadeus!” Ok, shithead, you wrote something that sounds like it came pre-programmed on your fucking Casio and you have the balls to compare yourself to Mozart? The only good thing that arose from this unholy abomination is the Simpsons’ version used in their Planet of the Apes musical. Journey – “Don’t Stop Believing” & “Separate Ways” You know, why does everything associated with cancer come off in a negative light? Why is cancer so terrible overall? Sure, it claimed Thompson and Superman’s wife but if the new Hitler or Osama Bin Laden got some tumors would you really think it was a bad thing? Yeah, that’s what I thought. The fact that Steve Perry has throat cancer and can never befoul this world with his mullet shaking vox for these two tunes makes me really question my Atheism. There just might be some divine being intervening in this world for the collective good. And yes, the fact that I’m an Astros fan factored heavily into what you just read. FUCK JOURNEY! Peter Cetera – “The Glory of Love” & “After All” Whoa, whoa, whoa, Kenny Loggins! Where the fuck do you think you’re going? You have no right to the Ultimate Wuss Rock Throne, bitch. That is reserved exclusively for Peter Cetera. The guy who used to play bass for Chicago (oh, we all expected greatness from his solo career) has now ranked above Fred Durst on my must punch list. I guarantee you that if you look up the word “pussy” in the dictionary this guy’s pick will be greeting you next to the text. Come on, we all remember that song from the Karate Kid II and the scars still haven’t healed. By the way, didn’t Daniel san hit some Japanese gash in that flick? I haven’t seen it since I was like 10 but I remember him making out with the chick and then the fade to black. Well, if Peter Cetera helped get him laid then Ralph Machio needs to buff out that notch on his bedpost. Devo – “Whip It” FOR THE LOVE OF FUCKING ELVIS WHEN WILL PEOPLE FINALLY REALIZE THAT DEVO IS ONE OF THE GREATEST BANDS OF ALL TIME AND NOT LAZILY FILE THEM AWAY INTO THE “GIMMICK BAND” CATEGORY JUST CAUSE THEY DRESSED LIKE NERDS IN HAZMAT SUITS? IF WE’RE GONNA CELEBRATE THIS AMAZING BAND ON THE FM DIAL THEN CAN I PLEASE GET SOME “GATES OF STEEL,” “UNCONTROLABLE URGE,” OR “JOCKO HOMO” MIXED IN WITH THE MTV HIT? NO? THEN QUIT FUCKING PLAYING IT UNTIL YOU LEARN TO SHOW SOME RESPECT! Nena – “99 Red Balloons” I actually dig this song. It’s as upbeat of a tune about nuclear holocaust as you can produce. I only wish that a. people will, 20 years later, a. actually understand that it’s about nuclear holocaust and b. the DJ’s will quit calling her Nina like her last name is Simone. Pat Benatar – “Invincible” Anybody else remember The Legend of Billie Jean? That shit was supposed to be Helen Slater’s big breakthrough but instead her little brother got the career out of aping Jack Nicholson. Oh yeah, Lisa Simpson was in that too and if you remember her aesthetic then you understand why she subsists primarily on voice work. Anyhoo, this was the big rally song in that flick when a bunch of Corpus Christi teens flocked to the beach so that Binx could get his prized motor scooter fixed up without some dickpig sticking it to his sister. Bon Jovi – “I’ll Be There for You” Who created this fucking planet? How in the world does some no talent studio rat fuckwad waltz his way into a lucrative recording contract and purple spandex simultaneously only to have the public eat it up? So, this is Jon’s big “monster ballad” and is just so saccharine that I can’t stomach it. We get it, Jon…you dig the hell out of this chick. We don’t need a five-minute song filled with horribly clichéd metaphors to understand that. Oh, and how about that line, “Words can’t say what love can do?” Yeah, bitch. You just helped me prove that this song shouldn’t have been written by the mutual exclusivity of your brilliant prose. Either words can say what love can do or they can’t, Jersey boy.