This is No Way to Show Fat Elvis Love for His Greatness

Fucking Richard Justice, man. This guy finally stops being smug, blowing the Longhorns and actually writes about the pleasantries of the Astros this month to go on and fuck it up like this. Ugh. Yes, I know this is not credited to Justice at all but he posted it on his blog and it's linked to the 1560 site. See, watching the Adventures of Ford Fairline via OnDemand has sharpened my sleuthing skills! Anyhoo, check out this wretched abortion of a tribute and let's cross our fingers that someone, like, Pride Kills will record a track to give Lance Berkman the aural love he so deserves.
The Big Puma Song
You know what, how about we start writing into 1560 and the Justice's blog to let him know our displeasure with the song? Join in with me folks, my first spam will be on his site in a mere moments.

Mr. Berkman, Please Kill Yourself Has a Proposition for You

You know we all love you and you might even remember that whole "Big Puma thing ain't gonna happen" post I made a few months back. Well, we've got an offer for you.
Initially, after seeing you rip to shreds just about anything in the strike zone (regardless of what side of the plate you were hitting from) I started to feel that you had the right to call yourself whatever the fuck you want. If you suddenly felt that "Long Dong Slugger" should be your knew nickname then, that was aces with me. But then, after having a conversation with Black Nathan and few others last night we had a realization. We're still not ready to go with the Big Puma handle yet.
Black Nathan has thrown down the gauntlet and we all agree: if you steal 30 bases this season, we will all preach the gospel that Fat Elvis is dead and buried. Pretty sweet, right? I mean, you've already got 7 and can make that number if they give you the green light and we really do feel that this will prove your game is truly...what did you say? "Sleek and atheltic."
So get to it and keep knocking balls into the stratosphere especially like you did today when we raged back from a 6 run defecit and you carried us over the edge in the ninth. We wish you the best.
Sincerely, The Entire Please Kill Yourself Staff

Dear, Lance Berkman

I love you Lance. Not just because Texas is the universe to ya or your offensive capabilities or how you ate a twinkie some asshole fans were baiting you with while calling you fat or how you are now the glue that holds this waning franchise together since Biggio retired. Seriously, you WILL be the Biggio of this current wave of Astros sucktitude; a great teammate, a tough as nails ballplayer, and someone willing to pick flowers out in right field when the club asks you to even though you're a first basemen and should never be stuck out there just to make room for a bat less impressive than yours. Despite the love, I do have a couple of bones to pick with you.
First, get off the whole Jeebus thing. I don't care about your religious beliefs and your quest to guide young atheletes to the light (how about you try that shit on Chris Henry and Pacam Jones. Or Milton Bradley or Delmon Young). It's kinda creepy and it makes me wonder what skeletons you're hiding in the closet. Like in two years we're gonna see you on To Catch a Predator skeletons. I do respect you for not doing the whole kiss the fingers and then hold them up to the sky routine. That is fucking lame. Yeah, because Bog wanted you to hit the dinger instead of the equally religious pitcher striking you out. Remember the old axiom, "God is only in the winners locker room." I would totally love to hear a ballplayer say in a post-game loss interview, "God, just didn't want us to win this one." It'll never happen and the umpires and HUMAN faults will continue to be blamed for the L's for eternity.
Sorry, Lance. I got carried away. But back to my point, tone the whole Jeebus freak shit down. That or get caught with some hookers and a pile of blow and then fuck up your knee playing touch football on your road to redemption.
Second, the whole Big Puma thing ain't gonna happen. Fat Elvis will be your legacy no matter how much Richard Justice tries to shove the Puma down our throats. And hey, you're really not fat. I've seen you in person and you're a pretty lean cat. But your a few jean sizes up from Adam Everett and have no chin. Therefore, the whole Fat Elvis thing caught on. We could understand that. We cannot understand Big Puma. I mean, puma's are pretty lean and sleek so you pretty much just made a fat joke about yourself so you can't bitch. Oh, and giving yourself a nickname is fucking weak. If you REALLY want to be known as something other than Fat Elvis (and I pray you do not), then holler at Annie Savoy. Nuke Laloosh, brother.
Yours,
Jay Debauchery