We Interrupt Your Usual Music Nazism for this Important Message: Yao to Portland

New York Post Solicits Headlines from 12 Year Olds

"Stinkees?" Really? Is that the best they could fucking come up with? What, was Suckees" too offensive to print? Was journalist Daddy so bombed off the 9 dollar PBR that he let junior punch that shit out on his laptop? How about the "Shitees?" That actually rolls off the toungue with great ease.
I can't believe a staff of people get paid a salary to come up with a headline that goddamned ridiculous. I should give them credit for runnning that awesome picture with it (not as awesome as this though) but for a city heralded as having the most brutal and unforgvingly nasty tabloids that is some weak shit.

Thank the FUCK Christ...Blender is No More

Whew. It's like the Jihad for Rock 'N' Roll has won a small victory in that Blender Magazine will no longer be defiling music journalism. Yeah, those fuckers have folded and it really is for the best. Just look at all that garbage written on the cover (not to mention WHO is on the cover) and tell me Blender didn't need to go the way of the DoDo.
While it is good to have as many music mags out there covering different genres and styles and trying to spread what the writers feel is good music to the massess...Blender just wasn't one of them.
They focused more on hopping on trendy artists and spent way too much being celebutard starfuckers to ever write anything substantial about music. Nothing but endless bullshit lists, flavor of the month pop-culture stars (usually chicks with big tits...seriously, if you ever put Tila Tequila on your magazine cover you immediately lose all credibility in covering music and well, anything), and reviews so trite and pointless it often made you wonder whether the critics had ever actually listened to the disc in the first place.
Oh, yeah and they declared Perez Hilton the new Pitchfork once upon a time. That's not saying I like Pitchfork at all (I really fucking hate that site) but at least their writers are somewhat informed on music and aren't just sucking the corporate cock on new pop divas.
Blender was the bastard son of Maxim but for people who desperately wanted to be a part of the Abercrombie hipster music snob set and the world is a better place for its demise.

You Would Assume I Would Write Something Totally Harsh and Fucking Cruel About A-Rod Before This...But...Here We Are

A. He has stuck his dick in post-Warren Beatty Madonna (and that ain't saying much).
B. He is on the most despised team in all of sports (American, that is).
C. His fans even can't stand his no-clutch performances in the post-season.
D. Heir Selig annointed him as the Golden Boy to save the game from the curse of Barry Bonds, the Roidcket and Big Mac and he comes up as guilty as the rest of them.
E. And then pictures like these.

Followed by his desperate success in quashing the revelation of what his favorite Madonna song is so he doesn't get hurt pussy in visiting stadiums.
What else could I say about this complete, total and utter twat-muffin? Alex Rodriguez bonds himself to narcissistically compulsive acts of wanton douchedom like AIDS bonds itself to T-Cells.

Disembowel Yourselves with Wooden Hooking Spoons, Otaku Enthusiasts

I cannot fucking stand Otaku. These, for those thankfully unaware, are manga (Japanese comic book) fanatics who are pretty much the bane of my existence at work.
Look, I'm an unapologetic nerd and have respect for other peoples genre fandom (except for the Twihards. Fucking die.) but these douchetards are some of the lamest motherfuckers ever to grace the planet. Should you be an avid reader of Naruto, Fruit's Basket, or anything resembling that retardedness here is why I hate the fact that your are in my bookstore.
Just like comics, records, baseball cards and your dad's subscription to Playboy, there are people who have collections of manga because they are so jazzed on the genre. Don't ask me why. Given that, please don't get upset when I tell you that you can't take the entire 57 book run of Tentacle Rape Happy Time Explosion off to TRY and finish before we close up shop. Yeah, folks. We have a couple of kids who spend just about 10 hours every fucking day in the store just reading manga. Of course, they don't work which is why they treat us like Manga Library Central but my hatred and obvious contempt for these losers is actually starting to drive them away.
Anyways, the reason I will allow to have two books off the shelf at a time is that there are people who come into the store and want to buy a series in bulks of 5 or 6. If Stunted Emotional Growth in My Chemical Romance Fan's 10-15 are in your pile while you're still reading #2, well, we don't get that money and the customer is upset. Oh, what is that? You're a customer? NO YOU ARE NOT. Customers come in with the potential to purchase items. You come in knowing damn well you'll never spend a fucking dime in the bookstore and only read our books because:
A. Comic shops kick your little emo assess out if they even catch you glancing at a page for more than a second (this is why with ALL series runs they only carry the first and last three). And
B. The public library (I'm told) has a shitty selection of manga.
So, from here on out you can pretty much guess I treat these kids like the cheap little creeps they are. It isn't just because they don't buy anything (shit, we get regulars in all the time who do the same that I don't mind), it's the fact that they horde shit people want to buy. Oh, and the fact that most of the kids are thieves.
When we received our loss results for the year we were all shocked to learn that books were higher than multimedia. I am confident most of that came from manga kids. Why? Because I find our (lame) security devices and shrink wrap and coding stickers for manga allover the goddamn store, tucked away in the darkest corners of a bookshelf. We have caught and banned more people for trying to rip manga or other Otaku product (toys, snacks, posters) than we have for stealing CD's. That's fucking impressive. Oh, and it's not just the Otaku shit they steal. These wretched souls have a strong preclivity for stealing sex books too. That, I can live with. At least they are getting some form of erotic stimulation other than a bare twat school girl getting her vag pounded by some ancient demons billion tentacle looking phallus.
And let's not forget that these kids damage fucking collectibles. No one is gonna buy a manga that has the front cover bent, the spine broken and grease and Bog knows what else smearing the pages. Recently, I've noticed a few of our regular beings with human similarities abusing these books and I'm now allowed to tell 'em that they have to buy the book or get out of the store...for good.
Unfortunately, I haven't had the chance to do that yet since these manga kids are so into their addiction they can't risk giving up a free score. But, they'll slip up and my world for 8 hours a day will be brighter. My advice to them is to grow the fuck up, start buying the shit they like or just move onto some new free form of avarice. There's always Internet porn.

This Makes Episode I Almost Watchable

I said almost, people.

Yo! 51 Minds, Let's Make This Shit Real...PRONTO!

The other day Black Nathan called me up to give me some good news. It seemed that Rock of Love (sweet fucking christ if you're not watching this skanktastic train wreck of plastic surgeon enhanced daddy issues what the fuck is wrong with you?) would continue past this third season but with Glenn Danzig. They would re-title the show Rock of Love:Brides of Satan and goddamn if I wasn't giddy if not entirely skeptical. Of course, a 2 second research session later I found out it was just some bullshit a random kid posted on the VH1 messageboards. No big deal, but still a loss for all of us. When you think about it, of course it had to be fake. I mean, how many chicks under three feet that are into metal could they round up to act like they wanna fuck Danzig? You can't really have the ladies slut it up when they are barred from sporting the clear heels.
If, for some divine reason, the producers of Rock of Love decide to take this little idea with any sort of seriousness (really, what the fuck is Danzig doing aside from trying to find funding for his sure to be shit horror movie?) let me add some suggestions for the potential challenges on the show:
Who Can Produce the Best Fake Southern Accent Despite Being Born in New Jersey

Chicken Sacrificing Judged on Speed, Ease AND the Amount of Blood That Can Be Slathered Over Pert Titties

Defend Your Man After He is Knocked Out for Talking Shit to the Openers and Being a Total Dickwad

Who Can Change My Colostomy Bag in the Most EEEEVIL Manner