Just Call Me Chicken Little

This has kinda been a clusterfuck of unpleasantness this spring training for me. Josh Beckett adopted the Eminem diet and is having back spasms, Schill is probably fucking done and let's add all the woes the Astros are experiencing just to make this shit sandwich complete.
Aside from everyone not named Oswalt being unable to find the goddamned strike zone (our overall ERA is around 7!), here are some recent developments that I can only endure because of whiskey.
Let's start with the Houston Chronicles coverage:
Astros second baseman Kaz Matsui is expected to miss four or five days after being diagnosed with a condition known as anal fissure. According to Wikipedia, this ailment is often caused by: Straining to defecate, especially if the stool is hard and dry, Severe and chronic constipation, Severe and chronic diarrhea, Crohn's disease and Ulcerative colitis, Tight sphincter muscles and Anal intercourse. This brings slightly amusing footnote to what is otherwise a dire situation. What is that? Have Loretta start, you say? I've been on that train before it left the fucking station, brothers and sisters. He is basically the only consistent contact hitter we have. For now.
Utility infielder Mark Loretta reportedly is drawing some trade interest from Baltimore. The Orioles sent a scout to Monday's exhibition game against Toronto in Kissimmee, Fla. Awesome. Our starting second baseman has ass issues, the shortstop we traded for just for the sake of his bat might get pulled from the show (he's not Roger Clemens, so he won't get his cock sucked by the government) and is quickly becoming a defensive liability and our go-to utility man for the middle infield might be on his way out. Can you see why I'm a little distressed? But the deal with Matsui's problems leads me to believe that he is not taking care of his body. That is job number one for a pro athelete. You shouldn't be washing your monster truck (Jeff Kent), getting the flu (the list is endless) or even hunting coyotes on your ranch (Nolan Ryan) if you are paid for the merits of your physique. I understand popping a knee when you slide wrong but anal fissures? Come on.
Finally...well, wait, saying finally brings a sense of relief or the end of strife and I just don't feel that way about the 'Stros right now. Lastly, feels more appropriate, as in the last insufferable detail to be unleashed to carry on the dread and the conclusion of a rant. Let's go with that.
Lastly, Lance Berkman left a game early the other day with some tightness in his leg. That wouldn't make me uneasy if the skip decided to give him some rest but Berkman, by his own account, pulled himself out of the game. This is fucking terrifying.
Oh, and, Chris Sampson didn't make a start because he had a stiff neck. What a pussy.