Please Kill Yourself

Deadspin.com is one of my daily reads. It's a great sports blog and has introduced us to such wonders as uber-Colts fan, Lil Ronnie (now going by Ron D. since he's got some hair on his nuts). Flip Yo Fitted

Add to My Profile | More Videos What follows is an analysis of his new video. Let's begin. 1. "On the track" - look, I know you dig on 50 Cent and all but Ronnie, I don't believe you're out there pimpin' ho's in fuck me pumps and spandex dresses, with them Hanna Montanah wanna be's in your vid. 2. I will NEVER "flip my fitted" - Turning your hat at an angle is not cool. In fact, it makes you look like an asshole trying to be cool by bravely going against the grain of traditional sportswear style. Fuck you. I take no fashion tips from a kid who stands lower than my nuts and drops most of his allowance at Lids. 3. "Mr. Paperchase" - Either you work at a Border's where there IS a section called PaperChase for sationary and shit or else you think you're pullin down real dollars off a MySpace video. You're pulling 20 dollars a week, if you're lucky, to blow at the afforementioned Lids store in your local mall (which I'm sure you beg Mom to drive you to everytime some new JumpMan23 gear is unleased). 4. Oh, shit! I just realized your dad is probably Denny Blaze! 5. You really are talking about "Making it Rain?" Dude, Lil Wayne and Pacman Jones need to school your ass. All you're gonna make it rain at is your Sunday school class with Jeebus bucks. BITCH. 6. Yes, you are the boy I am trying, nah, succeeding to HATE on! 7. Who is asking you for "hi fives?" Your buds in the Webelos? 8. "My pockets hold the bankroll" - Lil Ronnie, I'm sorry to tell you that unless you have on XXXXXXL shorts your pockets ain't holding shit but your 2 inch dick. That "bankroll" you brag about? Your parents already spent that shit on a 30" Plasma. That is assuming you stacks paper as high as you claim to. And I seriously doubt that. 9. "I'm respected highly" - BY WHO? The Colts didn't promote your dick suck track as their theme music? Oh wait, I get it, your fellow wanna be down with the gangsta culture but grew up in suburbia (Ice Cube, sound familiar?) thinks you rep your suburb well? Shit, it's probably true. 10. "I'm just like Nic Cage, I'm your National Treasure" - Obviously you have never suffered through that movie or have the common sense to know most people are freaked out by Mr. Cage. Lil Ronnie, you further slippin'. 11. Awesome, here comes your "tribute" to DJ Screw and Houston. Save it young'n. Way to glorify someone who ACCIDENTIALLY changed the face of hip hop by drinking Codeine. 12. I don't care if the chorus is "Chopped and Screwed", I will NOT flip my fitted. 13. Dude, for all the shine you wanna put on yourself with your vid...no ho's are asking about you. 14. "You might go blind/ from this bling in my ear" - Uh, Lil Ronnie, I saw no shine or bling in that shot. What, did Granny by you some fake ass shit on QVC one night and told you they were real? Or maybe your bank roll is so thin that you got your shit from Claire's in the mall and tell everybody your ballin'? 15. Your video looks like some stage mom's version of the shit they show on BET in the morning. Even the dancing is bullshit! Wait, there was none! Just a couple of Disney Channel rejects doing a sub-Irish pop and lock! In conclusion, Lil Ronnie, you are more Vanilla Ice than you are the Beastie Boys. Give it up, bitch! J