Sunday, December 23, 2007

A FUCK YOU to Dickhead Xmas Shoppers

Tomorrow I will work my 8th day in a row, probably having to clock in early, go to lunch late and then clock out about half an hour after I'm supposed to get off my shift. A cigarette break will be a luxury and once again I will have to restrain myself from straight up telling a customer to go and fuck themselves (I flipped off one douchebag today) or restrain from punching some tard in the face. Ah the joys of retail during the most wonderful time of the year! Here are just a few of the things that the MORONS who procrastinate with their holiday shopping have been doing to make my life even more miserable. 1. "I'm looking for a book..." - Well no shit, asshole. You are INSIDE a goddamned bookstore. Sure, we got music and movies too and a few games but I suspect the primary reason you waltz into a bookstore is because you are looking for some reading material. That part of the statement I have learned to stomach. But there's more...oh jeebus there's always more. "...and I don't know the title and I don't know the author. All I know is it's a book about [insert vague subject description here]." I'm sorry you have no idea what in the hell you are looking for but please don't look at me like I'M the asshole when your question is as specific as "Do you have that one, that was with that guy, who was in the movie, that one time?" I really don't mind helping people find what they're looking for (and upselling the motherfuckers after. Hey, more shine for me) but if the only word of a title you can purge from that mammoth cranium is "the" or "like" then just go fuck yourselves and leave me alone. I could be dropping the entire Velvet Underground catalog on someone who is shopping for a Strokes record. 2. "I don't believe it. I have been allover town and I can't find it. Do you know if you'll get some more in before Christmas? Can you check in the back? You're SOLD OUT? I wanna speak to your manager!" - Yeah, this shit happens. Forgive me for not being Professor X and possessing the ability to tap into anyones mind at any given moment. I appologize for not having 10-15 of the most desperately desired Christmas gifts. My bad. And if you're going shopping tomorrow and are reading this: No, we will not get more of Gift X before Xmas. Everything we were gonna get we got on Wednesday. And it is ALL on the shelves. I know the stores look like they just got whacked by a hurricane but that's because people are scrambling for last minute gifts, just like you. Of course, they had to the good sense to show up in the morning and not after 7 p.m. Don't blame me because you're lazy. 3. "I'm looking for a gift for..." - I don't know the person, I can't tell you what to get them. You don't know what shit the dig on? Well, then if they're not that close of a friend that you don't know even the slightest personality details that would assist me in assisting you with your purchase maybe they aren't that giftworthy after all. 4. Fuck your kids. There, I said it. Kids are just like any other group of people: a few winners, a whole lot of losers. That said, could you proud parents please stop little Johnny and Susie from straight up destroying shit and then getting aggravated at having to pay for it? What, you never heard of your break it you bought? As your kids are an extension of your weak genetics, that rule applies to you in regards to your precious little darlings, Mom and Dad! Oh and please keep track of the little bastards. I'm not a babysitter, and if you're too busy checking out UsWeekly to see which Spears offspring is sucking semen up her cunt this week to keep an eye on a wandering, curious and mischevious toddler, well, I get pleasure out of seeing you freak out. If I could tell for a moment that it just wasn't over the temporary misplacement of your offspring but at the sad realization that you suck as a parent (and human being) then that would make my soul smile. In conclusion, if you're shopping tomorrow, I hate you. J

No comments: