Monday, October 6, 2008

Some Helpful Guidelines to the Galleria Shoppers

Kids and Leashes
If you don’t want me to treat little Timmy like the ravenous animal that he is then don’t put him on a fucking leash. I don’t give a shit if it doubles as a backpack for his blanky, juice box and mashed naners, it demeans both of you. So please don’t get offended when I come upon Timmy destroying the kids section in my store, roll up a newspaper, smack him on his cute little button nose and shout “NO!” It is still miles beyond your parenting skills. After all, you’re off in the corner flipping through Life and Style, French Women Don’t Get Fat and The Secret. The kid already has no shot.
And let’s be honest here, the only reason you have the leash in the first place is so you can publicly admit your failure to control and watch over your child. I put my dog on a leash in public so she can’t run up on people and play in traffic. Your kid is leashed so he doesn’t follow the old man with candy and get fondled in the food court bathroom while you’re deciding which kind of dipping sauce you want with your Wetzel Pretzel. Congratulations, mom and dad, you have successfully begun raising a pet that can talk back. And you wonder why the future is bleak? On the other hand, I do enjoy when the brat sprints off at top speed and gets yanked back, busts his ass and starts bawling while you stare in confusion.
Yeah, this should be an obvious one. You know, ways you walk through. It’s right there in the fucking word! But, that is just too confusing for most people. It’s great that you and 20 of your friends decided to aimlessly wander about this monument to consumerism but could you at least show some fucking recognition of your fellow drones but keeping the walkways clear? It’s almost impossible to keep your group together but can you at least clear space for everyone trying to get by instead of blocking one side of the aisle like a defensive line of dumbasses? Or how about we trust that the rest of the group can safely exit the escalator without clumping around its end so it doesn’t turn into 610 traffic jam? The other day I was walking from the store to the seasonal business with a hammer and seriously considered using it just so it wouldn’t take me 30 minutes to walk 10 feet. Sure, it would’ve taken the same amount of time to beat sense into all of your thick skulls but at least I would’ve felt better.
Cell Phone Usage
If you have time to spend browsing shops and cruising the food court for apathetic ass you do not need to be wearing a fucking Bluetooth. For some reason, I get the feeling that if this is what you occupy your weekends with you’re not going to get an emergency buzz calling you in for surgery or that the board has called a crisis meeting due to the economic downfall. You are just some jackass who wants to look important but comes off as a total douche. The Ed Hardy shirt gave it away, bro.Oh and double fuck off to the people who wear TWO Bluetooth sets, looking like some fucking alien. Unless you are balancing a stripper and your 401K simultaneously (hey, in these times, it actually is understandable) see above.
And can we please stay out of the bookstore when you get that important call about your long distance service or your fantasy football status? The bookstore is a quiet place and we don’t need you bitching about drafting Brady in the first round at the top of your lungs or using the walkie talkie device to find out what your friends or relatives are buying for Susie down at the Disney Store. Just dial the fucking person and have a complete conversation without all those annoying chips and static laden responses. It’s simpler and really will make all of our lives a little more pleasant.
Oh, one more thing. Whoever invented the function that allows you to blare mp3’s and radio via phone needs to be disemboweled with a rusty hook. Seriously, fuck that guy. And fuck the people who gleefully embrace the technology even more. You are inconsiderate, moronic, mouth breathing shit stains who incorrectly assume we all wanna hear Lil Wayne as you lethargically browse the skin and tattoo mags. First of all, the sound quality is terrible. Guitar Wolf records sound like fucking Phil Spector productions by comparison. Second, I’m sure there is headphone jack on the device so why do you have to share with us your unique and discerning musical tastes by forcing “Lollipop” on my ears for the billionth time. No one thinks your cool for doing so and until a dance party breaks out, cut that shit out.

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