Friday, April 25, 2008

The Value of Jay Debauchery

I'm pretty 50/50 with my job right now. There are some days I absolutely fucking hate it and especially two of the managers but I also dig everyone I work with and they can somehow keep me strapping a bomb to my chest and screaming "Alah, Barnes and Noble!" in the middle of a Saturday rush.
Since December there had been rumblings of raises on the horizon and as they seemed to be nearing reality in the 08, us grunts stepped up our game to make sure that we got paid. This involved soul crushing feats like pimping the new Oprah fad, telling stupid jagoffs that Across the Universe was genius and even upselling dumbshits who can't even make toast on Rachel Ray. It sucked.
So, we get our yearly performance evaluations which include the revelation of the aforementioned raise. To my dismay, I only "met" company expectations. This was pretty fucking infuriating since I know how to do shit some of the managers don't know about, am aware of the exact placement of EVERYTHING in the multimedia section without having to check the inventory, have had customers request to speak to a manager numerous times to complement me on my service and knowledge of music, movies and books, and even once upsold some chick on EVERY season of the Sopranos in one transaction.
You may think that I'm just placating morons who get giddy over the new Ashlee Simpson disc (note: I did fuck with everyone who has bought the title asking them, "So, is she the one singing on this record?) but I truly dig turning people onto to good shit. We sold all but one copy of the new Bad Seeds record in its first week and I got some people who were looking for the latest Gnarls Barkley to roll the dice on the Black Keys "Attack and Release." They've all come back looking for me specifically to pick my brain.
While I may be a caustic employee at times (you deal with E.T. all day long and cunts in charge who femme out over pithy things and even put music everyone on staff hates specifically to piss you off and see how often you show your teeth in a pleasant manner), I get my shit done, I help the store meet sales and am even allowed to advise re-orders since I know the stock and what sells. This isn't my own assessment. It was brought up in my evaluation.
Oh, and if you're reading this and want to hire me and pay me more that retail wages, holla. And now...drumroll raise was...three cents. Three motherfucking cents. That's really gonna inspire me to be more positive and upbeat when assholes who are salaried and make way more than I do get to hang out in the back office all day long while we drown in a sea of popped collars and bad cologne and "Habla, espanol?" on the floor. 8bit, I think that shotgun haircut is coming soon!

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